h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I start this thread to try to collect quotes from the old master, mr. Waits. If you have any favorites feel free to put them in this thread.
Here are few of my favorites

"Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

"No, I don't have a drinking problem except when I can't get a drink."

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

"I like to walk out of a restaurant with enough gas to open a Mobil station."

"...Never could stand that dog..."

"I was born in the back seat of a Yellow Cab in a hospital loading zone and with the meter still running. I emerged needing a shave and shouted 'Time Square, and step on it!'"

"Colder than a well digger's ass"

"I knew him when he was nothing and he hasn't changed a bit"

"...it seems a stray bullet actually pierced the testicle of a Union soldier and lodged itself in the ovaries of a woman standing approximately 100 ft. away. She's alright, the baby's doing fine...ofcourse the soldier's a little pissed off..."

"Never trust a man in a blue trench coat, never drive a car when you're dead"

"There ain't no devil, there's just god when he's drunk"

"I want to thank you all for being here tonight; it'd be mighty strange here tonight if nobody showed up."

"It takes much more than just wild courage Or you'll hit just the tattered clouds you must have just the right bullets And the first one's always free"

"Theres a golden moon that shines up through the mist And I know that your name can be on that list Theres no eye for an eye theres no tooth for a tooth I saw Judas Iscariot carrying John Wilkes Booth He was down there by the train."

"Pour me a cab, I just can't drink no more."

"Broken umbrellas like dead birds; steam comes out of the grill like the whole God-damn town is ready to blow."

"...If you want a taste of madness, you'll have to wait in line. You'll probably see someone you know on Heartattack and Vine."

"The cat'll sleep in the mailbox and we'll never go to town, till we bury every dream in the cold cold ground."

"And the ambulance drivers don't give a shit, they just want to get off work."

"..the quality goes in before the name goes on.."

"Won't you tell me, brave captain why are the wicked, so strong, how can the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves his porch light on."

"I know a girl, she been married so many times, she got rice marks all over her face"

"Why don't you have another swig and pass that car if you're so brave i wanna get there before the sun comes up in burma shave"

"Well, I don't mind working cause I used to be jerking off most of the time, in bars"

"The light man's blind in one eye and he can't see out of the other"

"I'm reliable sources, I'll tell ya anything you want me to know."

"My friends think I'm ugly, I gotta masculine face."

"Oh yeah, I remember my first beer." (to a waitress dropping a tray of drinks)

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."

"He's a lawyer, he ain't the one for ya."

"And when they pulled her from the wreck, you know she still had on her shades."

"It's harder to get rid off than tatoos"

"I don't need no make-up, i got real scars, i got hair on my chest, i look good without a shirt"

"There's a place down the street; Seven Xs. What does that mean? Maybe it's... girls without skin."

"'Cause there's nothin strange About an axe with bloodstains in the barn. There's always some killin' You got to do around the farm."

"Don't plant your days they turn into weeds"

"Theres nothing wrong with her that a hundred Dollers can't Fix

"They all come from nice families, but somewhere along the line they picked up ways that just aren't RIGHT."

"and the things you can't remember tell the things you can't forget that history puts a saint in every dream"

"You can tell me that it's gospel but I know that it's only church"

"Matilda asks the sailors `are those dreams or are those prayers?'"

"I've got a bottle for a trumpet, a hatbox for a drum..."

"It walks down to end of the counter (His Veal Cutlet) and beat the shit out of my cup of coffee. I guess the coffee just wasn't strong enough to defend itself."

"I'm not weird about it or anything (Masturbating in this instance). I don't tie myself up first or anything."

"Driving dangerous women over dirty sheets"

"The Moon ain't romantic. It's intimaditing as Hell"

"I did my time in the jail of your arms"

"She used to have a sugar daddy and a candy-apple caddy. A bank account and everything,accustomed to the finer things."

"...You end up taking advantage of yourself. There ain't no way around that."

"I'm so goddamn horny the crack of dawn better watch itself around me."

"Coleen's belly was shakin' like jelly And I'm gettin' harder than Chinese algebra."

"Oh I don't mind going to weddings, just as long as it's not my own..."
"All the donuts have names that sound like prostitutes"

"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away"

"It was a hubba, hubba, ding dang, baby you are just everythang. A week later it's a hubba, hubba, ding dong, baby sure didn't last too long."
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So Thats a fine start if I say so my self... And I do... So jump in and add to this... I've left out much just to see if it pops up (sorry Tosser)in this thread...
Skriv Snart

Matrix Mage