h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Never mind. I'll ban passports and that will be an end to it!

Sorted

Isn't it grand being a dictator?

as a dictator, obvs my family will fill all the important positions. I've asked the Gruesome Twosome what they want to be in charge of. #2 wants Education, the Environment and ponies. #2 wants Cats and rock festivals

Aren't you meant to make them queens too? I think that's the done thing...

A minister for rock festivals is a splendid idea. That way you can prevent the spectacle of Mick Jagger dancing and squeaking like Beaker the Muppet during "Sympathy For The Devil".

Let's just have a law that says if you're a rock star you have to stop performing after 50, and recording after 55, although there'd be a sliding scale depending on how successful you've been. Mick, Elton, Paul, Ozzy, they should all be forced to retire to their estates or show up on daytime TV that no-one (with any taste) watches.

However, if you were The Cravats, Punishment of Luxury, Patrik Fitzgerald or Spizz, you can carry on making a fool of yourself as long as you like

But there should be a law compelling people like this to carry on performing as long as they like because it's for the common good
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gutdzlHK6E

His Bobness does very well indeed and he's over 50. I've long given up on the Stones and watch tribute bands - all the fun, none of the Jagger.

My Dictatorship would be a republicaan one, but obviously rife with nepotism. I am really really looking forward to my train, though.

You could have a different seat cover material on every seat, and a bath on board

There's something appealing about hurtling through the countryside at 100 mph while lying in the bath. I think I'll need to have a train, too.

And I've change my mind about Jingle Bells as the national anthem. I think I'll have that wee man walking with his baby through the San Francisco Bay, instead.

I'd designate The Hamster Dance song as the National Anthem to discourage rabid nationalism.

Hell yes

You do realise you've just given me the earworm to end all earworms, right? Even the Vengaboys can't shift that one

No... I was given the mother earworm this afternoon by a Heinz Ketchup[sic] commercial airing during the Little League World Series. The featured music was to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It". I hope it won't air again after the series is over tomorrow.

...remember, the more viral the earworm, the more rabid the nationalism it stimulates with univalent types prone to that kind of idiocy...

You haven't heard the original Hamster Dance song have you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6TzAQXVpB8

Now, just try to imagine nationalistic furvor being inspired by that.

(The base thumping remix that is now all over teh interwebs however...)