h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not sure quite how my mind took this turn, but I found myself idly wondering today what I'd be like if I was a dictator.

Now...I'm pretty convinced of the fact that no matter how decent someone is, the fact of being a dictator turns them into a , and I've no reason to think I'd be immune to that. But on the broad spectrum of dictators, I don't think I'd be allllllll *that* bad.

But let's assume I avoided massacres and mass incarcerations. I was wondering what eccentric traits I'd develop.

I'd need the obligatory big mad fortress in the mountains, of course. And no doubt I'd indulge myself with a few top chefs in the kitchen*.

I don't know that I'd design myself a military uniform, but I might prance about in a kilt now and again.

I don't think I'd bother with a whole big repressive state apparatus. From self-interest, really. History suggests keeping people apathetic and complacent makes them less of a threat than keeping them scared and pissed off.

I'd make "Jingle Bells" the national anthem, and all schoolchildren would have to learn how to drive a one horse open sleigh.

I'd ban frozen potato products, as they're usually crap.

I'd open some breweries and institute university brewing degrees

Oooh, statues, I'd need statues...but not of myself. One of a wolfhound, one of Charlie Chaplin's tramp, one of Samuel Beckett because he has such a fascinating face!

I'd hire someone to teach me how to do crazy backflips and somersaults...

I'd ban golf (but allow freedom of travel for any headcases who want to play it outside the country - I think that's fair).

I know! I know! I'd reintroduce wolves and have a mass reforesting scheme.

But mostly, I think I'd just mooch about the place enjoying the good life.

Right, enough talk. Who's with me? And how many compadres would it take to effect a successful coup d'état?



*Errrr, re-reading that line, I noticed there's a certain ambiguity in it. )

"I'd make "Jingle Bells" the national anthem..."


That's me out. It would do my head in. I have a hard enough time abiding holiday music for the three months that make up the holiday season.

Ah. The monastic life has proven unsatisfactory, I see

I was just thinking of Papa Doc Duvalier, who was convinced his opponent had turned into a black dog, so every black dog in Haiti had to be killed...

And Enver Hoxha, who said everyone should chew bones because, like with dogs, it would be good for their teeth...

And the guy from...was it Equitorial Guinea? Who had the head of the national bank killed, and then hid all the national treasury reserves in his house..,

And Kim Il Sung, who had everyone taught in school that he didn't do turds...

And Mobutu, who allowed nobody to be mentioned by name on TV, except himself...

And after all that line of thought I wondered how mental I would become if it was me.

But... if he really had been in turned into a black dog, he'd have been killed too, presumably

And as for Kim Il Sung, I think there might be a grain of truth to that one. After all, all British people know that the Queen doesn't go to the toilet, so perhaps that's a universal head-of-state thing... or maybe it's only royalty

that was the point of killing the black dogs, though.

I know the Queen uses the toilet because when she visited our regiment they had a new one plumbed in for her just for the royal behind, and there was a space in the timetable for her to "retire" for 30 minutes.

30 minutes? The old girl needs to eat more fibre.

I'm amused by the idea that she has that daily event scheduled

Where will you get the snow for sleighing, though?

Are you saying I can't control the weather? You're for the gulag in Wexford!

If she needs half an hour to take her ease, I reckon she has a copy of either Woman's Realm, Titbits or Hello! in her handbag. It's probably a pleasant respite from dealing with the hoi polloi

I was at the museum of the Modern German Federal Republic, in Bonn, yesterday. It is fascinating - brilliant, even, and I can thoroughly recommend it.

http://www.hdg.de/bonn/

Anyway, the last thing we saw - almost by accident - was in the basement when we were going down to the underground tram station. And I have decided that when I am a dictator (possibly benevolent, I haven't yet decided) I am having my own train.

What is it with you people and basements?

Did you do the Einbürgerungstest? I did it and got everything right, but no one gave me a German passport.

yes - twice but no passport for me either

Why do you want a passport?

(I am interested. I'm not being disingenuous by asking, honest.)

because the process for renewing it is much much easier and cheaper and while I live and work in the EU it makes no difference where it comes from.

plus then I'd be able to vote

I don't want a passport. It just bugs me that I know more about the country than many people who do have one.

I've utterly lost the plot of this conversation. It's as if it's turned into word association