h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ooh, let's talk sheet

I have two fitted ones - one beige and one maroon - and a flat blue one. The maroon one is currently hanging on a nail by the front door. FYI, they make great draught excluders. I hammered four nails into the wall, one at each corner of the door frame, and when it gets exceptionally cold (about three days a year in Texas ), I stretch the fitted sheet over the nails and it helps to keep the cold out and the apartment toasty warm

I'm not very good at talking sheet. I prefer to make blanket statements.

I wonder...how can we use the knowledge of the colour of Gosho's bed sheets for profit and personal gain? Could we blackmail him? Threaten to tell The Sun?

That's a clever trick with the nails. It could also work as a mosquito net, or some kind of a contraption to capture fugitives! I hear that bounty hunting is big business in the states.

So Gosho, what kind of sheets? Terry towelling? Or fancy high-thread count Egyptian cotton? I find fitted sheets have an annoying habit of coming unstuck at the corners during the night. I often find myself pulling them off and throwing them away in frustration, after waking up all tied up in sheet.

Was it Debby Harry who said, 'Roll me in designer sheets...'?

Blanket statements

No, just plain ordinary cotton sheets, KB, nothin' fancy. Not much need for terry-towelling sheets here, which is a bit of a shame really because there aren't many things as nice as climbing into bed in the depths of winter with terrycloth sheets top and bottom

No need for those any more though. I bought a 12.5 tog goose-down duvet more than 30 years ago and it's still keeping me as warm as can be, even though it's shed a few feathers lately, and even on the coldest nights. And it can get cold here, perhaps colder than in London. What's 17°F in the centigrades... -8.3°C The coldest temperature I remember in London for sure is -5°C, but we had two winters in a row with cold snaps that went down to 17F.

Well that's interesting. It looks like the coldest temperature recorded here in Austin is -2°F/-19°C, but in London it's only -10F/14C.

I seem to be giving away a lot of information about my bedlinen. I wonder what the Feds and Google are currently making of that...

Wait, that doesn't look right...

London is 14F/-10C

You'd better watch out. Homeland Security is going to be all over this valuable intel.

They'll use it to break you during interrogation! They'll use it to build a profile and get inside your head! Before you know it you'll be in an orange jumpsuit and they'll know you were the guy who slagged off the eccentric Texas beer laws!

I'm freaking out now. I'm saying nothing more til I see my solicitor and get examined by my doctor.

Hmmm, Gosho, you have admitted to owning three sheets and using them to block draughts.

So you've just publically stated that you're three sheets to the wind.

Don't let THEM hear THAT!

Pretty damning! I'd say it's curtains for you. But the less they know about the curtains the better.

No curtains here, matey boy, it's all blinds.

Oops, I've said to much

For the life of me I can't work out how this became a conspiracy thread. It must be the mind control beams affecting us. It can't be 2legs' fault, as he's in absentia.

That's very suspicious anyway, if you ask me. Just how did he know to get out of Dodge so quickly?

2legs must be wearing a bigger tinfoil hat.

I think I've re-subscribed to everyone now. It's nearly December.

I'm still nearly hypnotised into signing everything [Amy P], but that will pass.

It'd be very confusing if you signed everything [Amy P] as well

Don't worry, the agony is almost over.