Journal Entries
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I'm still here.....
Posted Feb 2, 2005
I'm sorry everybody. I've been feeling very low lately. Whenever I feel down, I tend to withdraw, telling myself nobody cares anyway. And maybe they don't, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was/is that I don't care anymore.
Feeling hopeless, lost, scared, frustrated- all the things that lead to depression. The only positive aspect is that I am not letting it get me depressed. I'm feeling the fear, the frustration, the hopelessness of my situation, and especially the anger at my situation- but not directing any of it into me. I'm not letting the feelings get turned inward against me. This does not, however, let me off the hook as to actually feeling those feelings- as I still have to do that, and work thru them. Feelings of bitterness, anger, resentment, fear, despair- these are hard things to work on, and I am getting no help.
I don't know what the doctors recommended, but I was denied disability benefits. This makes me so angry, as I would love nothing better than to be able to work, to work out, to dance!, but the pain is still here with me, a constant companion. In this country, even if you are blind or a quadriplegic, you are denied disability benefits the first time you apply. You have to appeal the decision to get approved. That way, they weed out the people who aren't serious. I just wonder how many suicides they are responsible for, since you can't get medical attention, including psychiatric care, in this country without money unless you're on disability.
So, I'm here, just not communicative. I'm sorry, but I just can't be my usual little ray of sunshine self. I have too much on my mind, and on my heart. Please believe me, I'm grateful for this forum, and everyone here. But right now, I just can't be here.
"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...."
Love to all,
Cali Gal
Discuss this Journal entry [13]
Latest reply: Feb 2, 2005
No news is not necessarily good....
Posted Dec 23, 2004
Because the doctor was examining me to determine whether or not I was disabled, for disability benefits, he wasn't allowed to TELL me what he was going to determine, or even what my pain was, or whether or not it will be going away any time soon.
I have another dr appt on January 5th with a psychiatrist, to see whether or not my severe depression is permanent, and therefore a reason to give me disability benefits.
I just want to be able to work, but people keep telling me that daily thoughts of suicide are NOT normal. Really? I've had thoughts of suicide for at least the last 15 years. I've attempted twice before. Nobody cared then. Heck, nobody cares NOW.
I just take up space. At work, when I'm working, at home, and at any event I'm unfortunate enough to be invited to. Everybody would be a lot happier if I just went away. And believe me, I wish I could. Even if they weren't actively happy, they wouldn't notice my absence.
Between my back and my thoughts of suicide, I doubt I could find work. Everybody wants service with a smile, and I have no smiles to give. I'm in too much pain, and I'm tired of faking it.
Oops, gotta go. My brother is dragging me out to dinner. I don't know why he wastes his time and money on me.
Discuss this Journal entry [108]
Latest reply: Dec 23, 2004
Nervous, Scared, and Sore
Posted Nov 29, 2004
I'm sorry everybody, I know I said I'd write back to everyone today, but I'm just not feeling up to it. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, for my back, and I'm feeling very nervous about it. I don't know what is going to happen, and so much is riding on his diagnosis. Will I get better? Is it treatable? What IS it? And why am I in so much pain?
So I'm sorry that it will be another two days before anyone hears from me. I'm just too anxious to be talking about things, anything, right now. Too scared, too nervous, too anxious.
I'll come back in a couple of days and let you all know how my dr visit went, and will hopefully have some good news to share, or at least news. I really hope he tells me something!!
Wish me luck!
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: Nov 29, 2004
Just complaining- Please ignore me
Posted Nov 15, 2004
I had several bad days in a row with my back, where I didn't even get out of bed. Today was the worst, but I made myself get up. I sit here typing with what feels like a huge dagger made of molten steel lodged beneath my shoulder blades. The pain is sharp and hot, and is getting worse the longer I sit here and type.
But I had to get online. I simply could not take a fifth day in bed. I'm suffering from cabin fever. I've grown to detest television, and books. My world consists only of tv and books, and when I'm down, and can't get online, I feel so frustrated and limited that I hate tv and all books. I don't want to watch any more tv or read any more books. I want to do what I used to be able to do.
I want to work out. I want to do my kickboxing, work out with my punching bag. I want to climb a mountain- its been over a year since I last climbed a mountain! I want to go swimming. I want to go hiking. I want to go to movie! I can't even do that because the chairs hurt my back. I want to go roller skating, ice skating, play tennis, go to the mall. I can't do anything, and when I can't get online, I feel the loss more acutely. So even though I sit here, my jaw locked in position against the wail inducing pain, I feel relieved just to be able to be here, and not in bed.
A week ago, my brother went into Albuquerque to stand in line at midnight when they released a brand new video game. I went with. I thought I could handle it. We stood in line for an hour! By the time we were able to leave, I was in so much pain I could barely walk back out to the car, and spent the entire ride home moaning in agony. I can't even stand up for an hour!!!
Okay. Complaining over and done with. Just needed to get it off my chest. I'm okay now. 
Back to bed for me, with another book, to dream about what my future might hold.
Discuss this Journal entry [17]
Latest reply: Nov 15, 2004
Feeling Lost
Posted Nov 9, 2004
About a month ago, on September 24, I hurt my back at work. This threw my whole life into a tailspin. I has finally got the perfect job to help me go back to school. I was a stock person for a department store. I went into work at 3 am, and was done by 9 or 10 am. I was signed up for school- University. I was going to be a teacher. Then I hurt my back. I've been in bed for the last month and a half almost, in so much pain that I literally pray for death every night. In the dark of night, when the pain is great, and my future looks dim, I wonder why bother continuing. I can't work, I can't sit at the computer for more than 15 minutes at a time without being in pain, and no pain medicine works. And the one thing that brings me more joy than any other thing in the world- dance, is something now forbidden to me by pain so extreme that I cry. I never cry.
So what do I have to live for anyway?
Everything.
All the things I still want to do, the places I still want to see, the people I still want to meet(including my soulmate- I just know he's out there somewhere!), and most of all, all the stories I still have to tell. I still want to be a teacher, and a writer. I still want to do so much, that I simply cannot give up, no matter how bad the pain gets, nor how long it takes me to achieve those goals. No matter how dark the future seems, no matter how lost I feel, and alone, when no one seems to understand or comprehend the physical and emotional pain I'm in, I have so much left to accomplish that I simply cannot give up.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
I WILL NOT.
Or as Tom Petty says, "I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down."
Discuss this Journal entry [13]
Latest reply: Nov 9, 2004
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Cry_Havoc
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