Journal Entries
Local Man Loses Lottery
Posted Nov 17, 1999
Eaton NJ: Joseph Green, a cashier at Handy Mart has reportedly lost the NJ Lottery, again. "It's the third time in a row this has happened to me" Mr. Green reports. Friends say that Joe purchased the ticket at the newsstand on Wednesday. On Friday, Joe discovered that the ticket was worthless. "I had six numbers, but they didn't match the numbers picked by the Lotto drawing lady." Joe said. "The same thing happened twice before, this is a living nightmare for me". "What are the odds of this happening three times to the same person?" he asks. Joe has filed a formal complaint with the NJ Lottery Commission. Lottery officials today declined to make any comment beyond the fact that the incident is currently under investigation.
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Latest reply: Nov 17, 1999
On being ejected from public buildings
Posted Nov 15, 1999
Where is it written, that building security must always throw one through the air in a perfect parabola (friends have measured this for me) followed closely by one's possessions? Even when they were clearly told to merely "Escort this gentleman from the building". True, the "gentleman" part was emphasized a bit, casting doubt on the sincerity of the compliment. But "escort" has a certain gentility to it, almost as if they were performing a service, and usually the escort part works well enough (if handcuffs are not involved). It's that final loft I don't understand. "Eject this bugger from the building" has an inherent implication of flight. But why does "Please see this person to the door" get the same result? I think building security people see too many movies. In spite of this, they have excellent memories and can pierce even the cleverest of disguises. By the way Groucho glasses are a waste of money ( $1.79 plus tax).
Mind you, I didn't set out to study building ejection it just came about as a natural consequence of being expelled so many times (I became known for it really). My friends began to accompany me to job interviews, dental appointments, the movies, or whenever I came up with an interesting "experiment" that involved a public structure. They would wait outside, making bets on trajectory and whether my knapsack would burst or not. It was they who provided me with the statistics and other trivia that I began to piece together into a landmark study titled "Building Ejection Techniques Used by Various Security Organizations in the US and Great Britain". It's quite an impressive tome really, or was. It's gotten a bit ragged from being thrown out with me. Peddling my book to various publishing houses has added greatly to my statistical base, but I find their security departments are not as creative as you would expect. Certainly not as creative as those of Parliament, The FBI, The World Trade center, and Most General Cinemas (with the exception of the one in Edgewood). I devote a section of my book to those organizations who did not actually achieve flight, resorting instead to the "hard shove" technique. These include Harrod's, Tony's Bar in Reading, Toys R Us, (never question their grammar, they just hate it), The NY Public Library, and of course, the United Nations (unless you get that guy Mohammed Something (badge #12-312), who actually set a distance record).
Things I've learned that didn't make it into the book.
A dime thrown from a high building does not become a missile as is widely believed, however a billiard ball does quite nicely.
World Trade Center security people have no sense of humor especially Bob (badge #2311)
Never do Monty Python sketches at a job interview, unless of course your actual intent was to be introduced to building security.
Jacoby and Renette building security are unaware that there is a flight of stairs in front of their building. Writing them does no good, trust me.
Most movies are not like "Rocky Horror Picture Show", don't treat them as if they were.
People will walk on your popcorn before you can gather it up from the sidewalk (pigeons will also get some of it)
Trying on dresses and undergarments "for your wife" is not an option at Filene's
It is possible to be thrown out of a basement.
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Latest reply: Nov 15, 1999
The Wreck
Posted Nov 12, 1999
Descending the anchor line, the dark shape of a ship slowly becomes visible below. This once proud freighter now sits upright in the sand 120 feet beneath the surface. Looking as if she were still sailing the seas, her calm demeanor belies her horrible journey to this watery grave. Serene now, her decks were once covered with screaming men facing death. Torpedoed by a U-boat in the middle of the night, explosions wracked her hull throwing sleeping sailors out of their bunks in total darkness. Panic ensues as the mad rush to escape this flaming deathtrap begins. Some escape, some do not.
Now she sits here in the silent calm of the sea bottom and witnesses the life around and inside her. She has become a refuge for fish that need to hide from predators. As a consequence, she is patrolled constantly by those selfsame predators looking for a meal. Fish may occupy this sturdy vessel now, but it wasn't always so.
Ships are all about people, and this ship is no exception. People built her, people sailed in her, people loved and admired her, people lived and died in her, and finally, people killed her. I feel that ships welcome the company of people even when they are resting in their final grave and can no longer serve their function. Is this anthropomorphic? Yes, but that's how I feel, I can't escape these feelings anymore than I can resist the urge to explore wrecks. In a way, I like shipwrecks more than I like ships. Shipwrecks are history, beauty, mystery, romance, and much, much more. Moving slowly along the ships railing, I imagine the sailors who leaned on it and dreamed of home while watching the moon rise over the horizon. Entering the wheelhouse, I imagine the captain guiding the ship through a narrow channel, his weathered hands moving the ship's rudder with precision born of long experience.
At last, the time has come to return to the surface, where this poor vessel will never go again. As I ascend the anchor line, the wreck gradually dissolves into the gloom. The surface is far above me and the trip back to the sunny ocean surface is all part of the experience. It's always with sadness that I leave a shipwreck but I know that I'll return.
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Latest reply: Nov 12, 1999
Note to myself, Driving in the British Virgin Islands
Posted Nov 10, 1999
Don't. First of all, they drive on the wrong side of the road. Apologies to all you Brits, but you know it's the truth, and damn silly too if you ask me. It's not sufficient that you drive on the bloody wrong side of the road, you've got to get other people doing it as well. There you go, corrupting the helpless natives of Caribbean islands, you knew would have no chance at all to check with the Auto Club first. Now it's too late to change them, they've been brainwashed for so long, they couldn't change anymore than they can fly. And you only did it because you couldn't admit that you were driving on the wrong side of the road, so you got others driving on the wrong side of the road just so you could say "Hey it's not just us". Well, in any case, like I said before, don't drive in the BVI. It won't do you any good in any case, because you can't get past the Taxis anyway. So you might as well be sitting in the back seat of the cab in the air conditioning, gritting your teeth, while the driver chats with everyone he meets on the road as be in a rental car behind him doing the same. Don't expect the cab ride to go smoothly either. Aside from the constant stopping to chat every few feet, you can also expect him to pick up hitchhikers as well (while charging you $40 for the ride). In a single ride from Beef Island Airport to the resort, our taxi hit a donkey, picked up three women, made a detour to let them off one at a time, hit a bicyclist riding on the wrong side of the road (not the American wrong side, the British wrong side), stopped three times to chat with drivers coming the opposite direction, killed the engine on a steep hill and had to back down around a hairpin turn to get another run at it, and tried to run over a chicken but missed. The BVI are beautiful and worth the trip, but don't drive.
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Latest reply: Nov 10, 1999
Mental Self Abuse
Posted Nov 10, 1999
This sentence is self referential.
This sentence wants to be self referential but doesn't know how (though it succeeds in spite of itself).
This sentence disagrees with the first sentence without knowing exactly why.
This sentence attempts to undermine the confidence of the third sentence but fails miserably and retires in confusion.
This sentence is the last sentence in this dialogue and is self-referential as well.
This sentence has (as its sole raison d'etre) the task of refuting the previous sentence's remarkably silly and pretentious claim to being the last sentence when, clearly, THIS is the last sentence in this tedious and quite pointless dialogue.
This, the actual last sentence in this dialogue taunts and ridicules all the sentences that thought they were last but were not, while simultaneously deriding the previous sentence for its pretentious use of raison d'etre and assures its place in the dialogue by killing the final sentence which attempts to follow.
This sentence UUURRK
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Latest reply: Nov 10, 1999
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