h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Where is it written, that building security must always throw one through the air in a perfect parabola (friends have measured this for me) followed closely by one's possessions? Even when they were clearly told to merely "Escort this gentleman from the building". True, the "gentleman" part was emphasized a bit, casting doubt on the sincerity of the compliment. But "escort" has a certain gentility to it, almost as if they were performing a service, and usually the escort part works well enough (if handcuffs are not involved). It's that final loft I don't understand. "Eject this bugger from the building" has an inherent implication of flight. But why does "Please see this person to the door" get the same result? I think building security people see too many movies. In spite of this, they have excellent memories and can pierce even the cleverest of disguises. By the way Groucho glasses are a waste of money ( $1.79 plus tax).

Mind you, I didn't set out to study building ejection it just came about as a natural consequence of being expelled so many times (I became known for it really). My friends began to accompany me to job interviews, dental appointments, the movies, or whenever I came up with an interesting "experiment" that involved a public structure. They would wait outside, making bets on trajectory and whether my knapsack would burst or not. It was they who provided me with the statistics and other trivia that I began to piece together into a landmark study titled "Building Ejection Techniques Used by Various Security Organizations in the US and Great Britain". It's quite an impressive tome really, or was. It's gotten a bit ragged from being thrown out with me. Peddling my book to various publishing houses has added greatly to my statistical base, but I find their security departments are not as creative as you would expect. Certainly not as creative as those of Parliament, The FBI, The World Trade center, and Most General Cinemas (with the exception of the one in Edgewood). I devote a section of my book to those organizations who did not actually achieve flight, resorting instead to the "hard shove" technique. These include Harrod's, Tony's Bar in Reading, Toys R Us, (never question their grammar, they just hate it), The NY Public Library, and of course, the United Nations (unless you get that guy Mohammed Something (badge #12-312), who actually set a distance record).

Things I've learned that didn't make it into the book.

A dime thrown from a high building does not become a missile as is widely believed, however a billiard ball does quite nicely.

World Trade Center security people have no sense of humor especially Bob (badge #2311)

Never do Monty Python sketches at a job interview, unless of course your actual intent was to be introduced to building security.

Jacoby and Renette building security are unaware that there is a flight of stairs in front of their building. Writing them does no good, trust me.

Most movies are not like "Rocky Horror Picture Show", don't treat them as if they were.

People will walk on your popcorn before you can gather it up from the sidewalk (pigeons will also get some of it)

Trying on dresses and undergarments "for your wife" is not an option at Filene's

It is possible to be thrown out of a basement.

I decided to add this warning to those planning to follow in my footsteps, wear padding! Wearing padding is sufficient provocation to get you ejected from some places. I am (as always) Ubiquitous