Journal Entries
cathedral
Posted Oct 9, 2006
the silence ensured my surrender
in the presence of all embracing mystery
i laid down my arms
and all my defences were shattered
strewn across the ancient stonework floor
sharded in the light that streamed from old glass windows
floating like housedust in the golden morning sun
i was a captive
almost paradoxically set free
though unsure if i should place my last remaining chip
on my old familiar agnostic black
or try the pristine white of sins forgiven
"i've gambled too often" said my wise old inner self
"and the dice never fall where you expect them to"
that's the thing about age and experience i think
in the end it trumps mystery every time
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Latest reply: Oct 9, 2006
saturday
Posted Sep 23, 2006
i was wondering what it is that ages us humans ....
is it just that our moving parts wear out? ... or that the ebb and flow of life just washes away our vitality? .... or that the planet needs to create space for new joiners and so we are genetically programmed to step out of the limelight...take leave of centre stage?.... and if so, is it the leave taking that undoes us? ... or was it being centre stage that wore us out?
i met an old friend yesterday on a train.... in the three years since I saw him he's aged so much
i don't think he's an accountant any more.... or if he is i don't think he has any clients.... he's worn out... aged aged aged..... old at fifty... knocking back red wines in the sleazy train bar like there was no tomorrow....and maybe there's not.....
he gave me a manuscript to read... what his life's all about now he says.... 5000 words i guess.... maybe 7500..... some of them the most beautiful and moving juxtapositions of words i have read in years..... most of them enigmatic.....groping to fall in a meaningful order on the page
it seems he had sat all day.... clutching his manuscript .... gazing at caravagio....weeping the tears of the truly bereft....
there was a time when dublin world have welcomed him into its bosom ... coccooned him from his fall from corporate meaning.... whispered in his ear that 7500 words was worthwhile as a lifetime's contribution .... but that was before the celtic tiger.... now the young dudes would have ignored him ... pitied him maybe.... certainly accused him of bottling out...
and when i picked out the line of his book that touched me the most he kissed my hand....my skin washed by his tears ... and then i noticed that acros the front page he had written in a desperate longhand....
"Publish this....please.....in case I don't get the chance"
there's been a long empty space of time since i wrote that last line......maybe 20 minutes.....
He asked me a question as i was leaving the train....and i have no idea if he believed my answer..... but i'm putting it here.... and if he's meant to find it i'm sure he will.....
Yes it's worthy PK .... it's worthy.... it's more than worthy..... finish it... publish it....find a way ....even if the angst of it costs you all you had...
your friend
ian
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Latest reply: Sep 23, 2006
the technological insult
Posted Sep 20, 2006
today i sent an email ...... it was sent to one of my team and in it i asked her to contact a client and ask him to get his finance director to co-operate with us pfq (use your imagination here.. the p is for "pretty" and the q is for "quick")....what i forgot to do, of course, was to check my recipient list for the mail .... and so, it transpired that the client, his finance director, my team member...and possibly the entire heavenly host... all got the mail ....
now this is clearly embarassing for me .... though thankfully not terminally so... and it made me think a little....
the inclusion or exclusion of others in the minutae of our lives .... in our communications .... in our thought patterns ... was always a pretty arbitrary thing....we learn the black arts of "need to know" at an early age and hone the skills throughout our lifetime.... in fact our whole life is normally a series of one act plays lived out for whichever audience we deem appropriate.... and what they don't know, we assume, will never hurt them....
and then something happens and they do know.... and all our communication constructs end up crumbled on the pavement....and there is always a price to pay....
now this is no new thought ..... for originality it ranks with "who invented god?" or "how did jacobs get the figs into fig rolls?" ..... but newness and originality, despite what i like to tell myself, are not the sole arbiters or meaningful sentence creation .... and today's lesson was a good one.....
i need to get it into my head pfq
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Latest reply: Sep 20, 2006
tuesday
Posted Sep 19, 2006
walked in this morning playing bruce cockburn in my head ... you have to do that when you forgot to own an ipod...it's probably better for the environment too, in some mysterious way we'll hear about in 2027 when the last eco warrior is laying down her arms at the megamaxinike chapel revolving doors.... anyway...enough of such defeatism and back to cockburn...it was the "charity of night" album i was listening to .... a truly wonderful album exploring such a gamut of ideas and emotions ... and i'd just got to "pacing the cage"...which may just be my favourite song of all time ... well, of course, except for "blue", and "love minus zero", and "late for the sky" and "whole of the mooon", and most of the antony and the johnsons album.....you get the drift..... anyway ... back to "pacing the cage"...
"i've proven who i am so many times/the magnetic strip's worn thin/and each time i was someone else/and everyone was taken in"....
and i was stunned again.... for probably the 3,527th time in my life...
and i just thoght i'd share it .... not that i'm presumptious enough to think that anyone actually reads this you understand....
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Latest reply: Sep 19, 2006
monday
Posted Sep 18, 2006
there is no sky more beautiful than the backcloth to a lovers' kiss....
i stood.... on the tree studded sloping of ancient cavehill...as the sun died amber in a bleeding sky.... and your mouth was on mine.... and i could taste the need of your tongue and the ferocity of your lips hard against my own shipwrecked longing.... and i wept tears that day.. and you kissed them from my face... and all of me was swallowed up in the mystery that was you...and i have never found my way home....
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Latest reply: Sep 18, 2006
ianhimself
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