Journal Entries
Monday 30 October 2000
Posted Oct 30, 2000
Today has to go down as one of the more interesting days, recently, but most of what it involves is still not positive.
Firstly, the real estate agent has threatened to evict me if my housemate doesn't sign a lease agreement to be a ‘co-tenant'. While this suits me, either way, as it will get my housemate off my back or will get the agents off my back and preserve my reasonable rental record, and is not in itself a big problem, I think, it is a hassle. Second, the Department of Social Security, who are responsible for doling out the pittance on which I live, have demanded that I do some ‘mutual obligation activity' to justify this support. While I would be more than happy to do this if I thought it could even potentially be useful for something, I am almost resigned to the fact that it won't be, if I don't choose what the activity is. The range of ‘approved choices', however, is depressingly small, and none of them require anything like the skills or abilities I already possess to do without boredom, and I do not propose to give my experience away for free. I do not want to work to somebody else's specification if they do not pay me for the inconvenience, to me, of having me do it.
I want to move out of this depressing situation, but the options for doing so are too limited. I can't leave all the stuff I already have behind, and I'm not going to sell anything, nor am I going to sell myself, to survive. I want to move house, but I have to extract myself from this one first. I want to work doing something useful, but nobody seems willing to employ me. I want to get the DSS off my back, but they will not do me the service I need (which is to find me a job), and they can't do me the service I want (which is to pay me enough to actually live, as opposed to ‘not starve', on), and so I am forced to keep using them. The options are too limited, and none will lead, even eventually, to any outcome I want.
I need another vantage point, another place from which to move. Somewhere where the ground is more solid underfoot, and the surroundings not so threatening. I am very tired of living by being threatened. I think this is fundamentally wrong - not just unfair, not simply unjust, just wrong. I need somebody, or something, to take me away from all this, or to take all this away from me.
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Latest reply: Oct 30, 2000
Wednesday 25 October 2000
Posted Oct 25, 2000
Dad was going to ring me tonight, but I was delayed getting home, and had a much longer walk than I'd anticipated. He's leaving the country for China, tomorrow, so it's unlikely I'll hear from him until he gets back - which is a bummer, because I like talking to my father.
Things are otherwise fine. Weather's still overcast, and it's not even summer yet.
The course was really interesting, tonight. We studied a bit on posture and back problems, and there's a world of hurt possible there, I can see.
Nothing much else to report. Life goes on. Nobody much else has too much of interest to say, either, by the looks of things. Oh well.
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Latest reply: Oct 25, 2000
Tuesday 24 October 2000 - later
Posted Oct 24, 2000
An hour on this site and I don't feel quite so lonely anymore. I'm not sure what it is about this place...
!
Congrats to Spartus and Amanda...
!
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Latest reply: Oct 24, 2000
Tuesday 24 October 2000
Posted Oct 24, 2000
You remember that girl I was besotted with? It's safer not to name her in case I wax lyrical. She doesn't want to be besotted - leastways not with me - I think. I get that impression, and while it disappoints me, I guess it's better that I accept that - even if it isn't necessarily true - and move on. I just have to face reality and get on with other things than unfulfilled longing...
It's hard, though, and I really dislike it, but it's the way life has to be, the world, experience and my emotional integrity all assure (or reassure?) me.
I think life is OK. I am successfully a human being, rather than a human doing. Most people would probably think I should be working harder to make things happen, but in what I suspect to be a true Taoist vein I think that anything I can make happen, with minimal action, is a long way off happening yet. The weather is uncongenial, but at least it's not nasty, as it could be. Friday night, when we hit the town, will be something interesting, I think.
The course is going well, and riding at night is still challenging, even with lights. I won't be able to ride tomorrow, though, because the interview for the C.I.T. job is on at 3.00pm, and I'll have to catch a bus if I'm going to be able to carry all the stuff I need for class afterwards. I think I'll have to walk home tomorrow, but it should be a pleasant walk, as long as it's not actually raining.
Where can I find contentment? My own heart does not have the answers, at present.
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Latest reply: Oct 24, 2000
Monday 23 October 2000
Posted Oct 22, 2000
I had an interesting weekend, ultimately spending a good part of yesterday lying on the grass, in the sun, in the middle of the local school oval, talking about sex (probably among other things, but that seems to dominate my imagination in my recollection of the conversation...) with a friend of mine who has an ongoing interest in the subject.
In the course of the conversation she remarked that it was really good to spend time doing nothing, and talking, communicating, in a way that she felt unable to do in normal circumstances. It was good, she said, to be "human beings, rather than humans doing." That struck me as one of the most fundamentally important expressions of humanity that I had ever heard. Combining that with ‘City of Angels', which I saw for the first time on television last night, made the entire weekend - slow, relaxed and uneventful as it was - one of the best I think I've ever had.
It was one of the best I've had in spite of the fact that my housemate, in a fit of drunken temper, wrenched the handle off the window-winding mechanism of the window next to my computer. Of course, he did this while shutting the window, so that it now can't be opened, and the stink of dog can't be effectively dispersed from my loungeroom. He hasn't tried to talk to me about this, I would guess because he's embarrassed, and also because he's as aware as I am that, if the landlords aren't willing to fix this problem, then he will ultimately have to pay for it - either financially, or by being forced from the house as an idiot. Either situation works to my advantage, ultimately, but it is annoying. I'm ringing the agents later today...
Conversations dominated this weekend, from Saturday afternoon on. New articles are in the offing - the notable one being about ‘sexual relationships': an ‘ultimate guide'? I made rissoles again last night. Dinner tonight will be a good one - leftover rissoles and sandwiches while straining the brain at C.I.T. The bike is ready, I'm prepared, the rent is paid and the day - although overcast and uninspiring - is good.
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Latest reply: Oct 22, 2000
Hypoman
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