laziness.

the lazy person's guide to Creation from the hand of bod aka Brother Mouse.

Early mornings annoy me. why? because i am part of the select cult of lazy people worldwide who have devoted their lives to vegetative activities. it is but the work of a moment's thought to see why this is the case. any sensible, clear thinking person is liable to be lazy at some point in their lives or even if they think hard enough, become a fully fledged waster. before i go any further, i should like to point out that wasting is NOT the path to spiritual fulfilment and anyone who suggests otherwise is unlikely to be a waster and should be ignored. now, as i was saying, laziness is the way to go if the mere thought of effort is sufficient to bring you out in a cold sweat. there are many ways to achieve laziness, the most satisfactory of these being to STAY IN BED. don't get up. unless you have a job or a girlfriend/boyfriend IN A CONVENTIONAL RELATIONSHIP [in which case you are unlikely to want to become lazy] the world just isn't worth it. besides, you can achieve anything you want, even spiritual fulfilment from the privacy of your bed. your bed is your temple. enjoy it. the only time you should venture out is for any of the following:

Food (or you get hungry)

Toilet stops (it gets messy otherwise)

should you become bored with wasting (shame on you!) to attempt to get a job or find a heterosexual partner - sorry but i just don't get this whole gay thing when there are so many gorgeous women in the world. those of you who are of this "orientation" may find the previous statement crass and offensive - if you do, sorry, but i really do not understand you.

anyway, leaving the world of serious matters - these are as waster's mortal enemy as they may actually cause you to take an interest in something which requires effort to acheive and so lure you from the path of wasting. unless you are one of those few lucky b******s who happen to have a TV in their room the only way this will happen is if you are either taken unawares by a sneak attack from the world outside while communing with nature/preparing food (in which case WHY is the TV on when you can't see it and are unlikely to listen to it as you are no doubt trying to sleep???), or if you have attempted to sneak a few hours away from the safety of your bed (what harm can it do me, you think. fool. before you realise what you are doing you will be out fighting for the rights of someone you have probably never met.) think of all the time people waste doing things like this when they could be safely ensconced in bed. of course, if everyone were to stay in bed no miscarraiges of justice/industrial accidents/injuries/thefts/mysterious disappearances would occur. this is, however, about as likely as me becoming head of MENSA, i.e not very likely at all, as many of the people responsible for these irritations (such as politicians, almost the entirety of the legal profession, filthy scheming capitalist bizness people etc.) which cause would - be wasters to do other things are now known (for the most part) to be incurable masochists and are hence unlikely to participate in any activity which would afford them any pleasure. many of them are even known to play golf.

according to varied eastern mystics and western cult leaders, the secrets of life, the universe and everything will be revealed to you if you meditate (this involves sitting very still and doing apparently very little while thinking things along the lines of : why am i doing this, i wish my ear would stop itching, what if people are watching me, etc) . while i disagree totally with the doctrines these women and men represent, (there isn't really much i do agree with, in case you're wondering) they may have the faintest glimmerings of a point here. if you expend the energy normally associated with moving from one place to another,(when they are all pretty much the same anyway and if there was a better place why not just stay there? life becomes so much simpler when you just think about it for a minute, breathing, digesting etc on thought you could think of some things which scientists and philosophers the world over could be very interested in if they ever got around to popping into waster's bedrooms - although not unannounced or too early as this may provoke a violent reaction - or indeed moving from their own. many wonder where all the world's genius has gone. in all probability it is still in bed.

other useless pages by people i know:

Dwane (zipo_bibrok)'s page(s) on our wonderful educational establishment, alford academy. there are about four of them, with subtle differences - so perhaps you can play spot the difference with them. or you could just read one.

Link to Dwane's page

Nicky has an obscure page on the great bic pen conspiracy - it's worth reading about if only to scare people who aren't terribly aware. now we all know that isn't very nice. really we do.

Link to Nicky's page
credit for this masterpiece (the blue fishie) must go to nicky (see above link) and credit for the morphing fishie bit to the excessively generous Wingpig. thanx.

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Hand of Bod, ACE

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