h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It must be a nightmare, being a member of S Club 7. You can't even claim you're in it for the money, because there's so many of them they only eamed 37p each from their recent hit.

Yeah...and that whole Beatles thing, what was that all about, eh?

Oops, sorry, wrong forum.

Yeah, and Mozart, what's that all about? Just some bloke writing tunes all day! Rubbish!

Yeah, and Wolfgang Amadeus...what sort of a name is that? Oh, and just who does Ralph Peabody think he is, eh? EH?

And while we are on the name Ralph ....Ralph McTell no you cannot take my hand and I don't want to walk through the streets of London thank you.

I think I need to lie down

"I'll show you something to make you change your mind." (Lochangel slaps Ralph's face very hard.)

And if I read one more bloody newspaper with yesterday's news I shall puke. It's all about eclipses for one thing.

Oh, by the by, did you know there's a meteor shower tonight? Jeremy Beadle told me. Apparently Sky are doing an all-night Meteor Watch from a live-cam just outside Biggleswade. At peak times there could be as many as three insignificant streaks of light an hour!

An event like that could boost the number of viewers into double figures.

Perhaps Channel Five ought to show it? They are working closely with Jeremy at present.

I have a great idea for a new game show - "Win Beadle's Liver". You answer a series of questions, and if you get them all right, you win the chance to pull the bearded one's liver out. Or you can gamble for the star prize, which is the chance to pull his liver out without giving him an anaesthetic first.

That is definitely one for Sky One - no doubt to be co-hosted by Emma Noble and James Major.

Well, obviously Sky would be stretching its budget to get presenters at that level, but I'm sure it would be worth it.

Well think of the additional publicity through the Hello! articles.

Emma and James speak of their love for one another and invite you to watch the ritual disemboweling of Jeremy Beadle.

Sounds like a winner to me!

Dear Broadcasting Standards Commission, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the programme "Win Beadle's Liver". My wife and I were all set for half an hour of family entertainment, but this programme made us physically sick. Why oh why oh why can't we just see the ritual disembowelling of Beadle without being forced to watch Mr & Mrs Major? Yours sincerely, Lt Col Sir David Pants.

Dear Mr Blair,
we are disturbed to find that in a so called democracy such as New Britain such immoral attrocities such as "Win Beadle's Liver" are taking place. After Episode One the liver was replaced and the poor man kept alive thanks to advances in medical science. Only for the same thing to happen at the same time the following week. While we all accept that under law Mr Beadle is considered vermin and thus must be destroyed couldn't this be done in a more humane way such as a steam roller,

Yours sincerely
Mrs Edna Pink (Widow)

That's an idea.... why doesn't the government ban fox hunting, and replace it with Beadle Hunting? In fact, why not make it compulsory? "Watch out, Beadle's been ripped to pieces by some dogs."

But it would be better to fire him, Chris Evans and Noel Edmonds out of a clay pigeon trap and have Vinnie Jones shoot at them with 12 bore shot guns. You could have a telephone poll each week to decide the next episodes victims.

I think Noel Edmonds should be gunged in that amusing way of his. BUT, what Noel doesn't know (but the audience does) is that the gunge actually contains tiny flesh-eating insects, which will completely take him apart within 27 minutes, thus allowing the spectacle to fit nicely into the prime time schedules.

Oh yes and Les Dennis could be finished off through "Get your mates to break Les's legs."

"I think I should be allowed to live, our survey says...." BEH-BUUUUUH!