h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"It's really there, but you won't see it, because it's lost in the blizzard."

Maybe if we tell them it's like one of those magic eye pictures - if you sit staring, squinting through the screen for long enough, you'll be able to see the programmes.

Or "You can only see the programmes by wearing our special Channel Five-o-goggles. They're £35,000,000 a pair."

Come on - if they had any dosh they'd be watching Sky, not C5.

You don't think it would work as a subscription channel, then? Subscribe to C5 and get "Blizzards From Hell" 24 hours a day, otherwise all you get is a screen full of static...

Hmmmm......It's a long shot, but it might just work. They've got a 24-hour weather channel in the States, you know. And people really do sit there watching it. As much as it pains me to compare the great unwashed to idiot Americans......

Not that I think all Americans are idiots, I hasten to add!!! Just the odd one or two....

If you have any doubts - watch them get up and parade quite embarrassing personal lives on Jerry Springer. I mean, no sane person would ever, ever, dig their way deeper into the gutter like that.

Surely.

It's an entirely different way of thinking. "Okay, so untold millions of people in every country in the world know about me and the goat and my wife who weighs three quarters of a ton and is actually a man, but I've been on television and you haven't!"

I'm not speaking personally, of course, that's just a hypothetical example. I didn't tell anyone about the goat.

Well of course not. Everyone would want to interview the goat and the whole damn media circus would drive it to some barnyard suicide scenario, no doubt.

Either that or in the great tradition of John Wayne Bobbit it would star in some soft porn remake of the entire saga.

I have been reviewing the plans for this station and I have to say that I feel we are neglecting the youth market somewhat.

What does the youth market require? How about a Saturday morning magazine type show featuring interviews with top celebrity guests, interspersed with dull but informative articles about the environment, presented from within a huge vat of green slime?

No I was thinking more about Ant and Dec dropped in the middle of a blizzard in Antartica in only their underwear.

There could be a game show in it - two celebrity teams battle against the elements and each other, to see who can stay alive the longest.

"Ah-ah-ah-ah, staying alive, staying alive."

Forget the underwear, it's too kind. Spray them with water first. Cold water. With ice-cubes.

A sort of update "Now Get out of That!" Yes I like it. I think we should include a round in the Kalahari desert though.

Anyway, I think the Japanese have already beaten us to the punch on this concept. It's called "Endurance".

I think what the yoof of today require is "Jackanory". Or "Romper Room", with Miss Rosalind.

Ah, happy memories: "Romper Stomper Bomber Boo, tell me magic mirror do, have all my friends had fun at play....."

This is what the switched on generation is missing!

That's all very well, but UK Gold has probably bought the rights.

Let's do something dastardly with Phillip Schofield. We will have to be quick though as he is about to go on a World Tour with that horrendous musical version of Dr Doolittle. That is something that could get us into trouble with the UN Commission on Human Rights.

How about an enormous robotic Gordon The Gopher, which will smash its way through the walls of Schofield's house and squeeze the life out of him until he goes "squeak"?

Gopher it, EV!