h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Yar gets blearily out of bed in the middle of the night, walking to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. As he pours himself a glass from the sink (which is connected to an unusual-looking filtration system), he looks thoughtful, as if something's just occurred to him. He pauses, just holding the glass under the tap, rubbing his chin thoughtfully and staring off into space, until the glass overflows and water spills onto his hand. Nearly dropping it, he turns off the tap and sips from it, looking a great deal less bleary and a lot more thoughtful. A thought cloud appears above his head: first it contains some sort of sleek airplane design, then it shifts to two odd-looking machines hooked up together, and then, for no apparent reason, switches to what appear to be a set of arm and shin guards.]

[The next morning, some odd noises are heard from the vicinity of his basement, the current location of his mad scientist lab ...]

*Peeks in*

[Yar is sitting with his back to the entrance, in front of several dozen computer screens. In addition to his red jacket, blue jeans, and black H2G2 t-shirt, he is now wearing white, sci-fi-style gauntlets and greaves. He is typing at three keyboards in front of the screens, and occasionally typing something into a holographic keyboard on his left gauntlet. Beyond the screens -- the area is now, most improbably, about the size of a small hangar -- some sort of half-built aircraft that vaguely resembles a paper airplane is getting assembled; its hull is the same color as Yar's armor. The odd noises are caused by machines and robotic arms as they assemble it.]

[Most of the screens seem to show schematics and wireframe models for a complete version of the vehicle, but there's a few with more obscure text and imagery on them -- one appears to show some sort of DNA strand, another shows a list of alien races and civilizations, and a third shows what appear to be a simulation of liquid molecules bouncing around, and so on. The Aperture Science portal-gun is off to Yar's left, hooked up to some sort of machinery, in front of a pair of vertical slabs of concrete, each with one end of the portal on them. To the right, two Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson brains are hooked up to each other and to the computers displaying the screens. Oh, and another screen shows the view from a security camera pointed at the exit.]

[Yar] [glances at the security monitor, and turns] Oh, hey, Affy. I'm makin' myself a new ride. The Millenium Bug was ... well ... closed-source, if you know what I mean.

*Raises an eyebrow and chuckles a bit*

Well, not entirely...but I can guess. There are advantages and disadvantages to open sourcing something. What changes are you making?

[Yar] [shrugs, typing away] Well, I'm starting from scratch, mainly. That way, I have full control over every single part, and I'm my own tech support. I'm also trying out different cloaking devices.

[A few screens shift, now showing a Romulan Bird Of Prey, a Predator spaceship, and the spacecraft Yar is building except that its color scheme now pink with green polka dots and the caption "SEP".]

[Yar] I'm also working on what I call the Unlikely Drive. Uses a standard "Bambleweeny 57, atomic vector plotter, tea" setup to generate *finite* improbability, which opens a portal to your destination that closes as soon as you're through. And since tea is kinda hazardous on a moving vehicle, I'm using a *second* Bambleweeny to simulate the tea.

*Nods*

I getcha. Finite improbability is safer.

Unless, of course, you're trying to escape the pull of a black hole after you've crossed the event horizon and all you have are standard engines. In that case, infinite improbability all the way.

[nods sagely] Indubitably! In any event -- horizontal or not ... You must of course know about my Dark Side clones.

[He seems to close down a few things, putting the construction on autopilot for now, and the screens change to show what appear to be three clones of Yar, a couple years younger than he is now, each wielding a red-bladed lightsaber; the one in the center is wearing a Darth Vader costume with a necktie, the one on the left has blond hair and wears black Jedi robes, and the one on the right has black hair as normal in an afro style and wears black armor and Sith robes. They are otherwise identical to Yar himself. Captioned, in the order described: Y2K (Darth Corrigible), Y3K (Darth Sipid), Y4K (Darth Brooks).]

This was taken in 2004. As you know, these three have existed and been evil since 2001. Now ... hairstyles aside, do you notice any physical differences between them and me?

They're...no, not really, beyond a few sarcastically obvious things.

Okay ... here's a shot of -- wait, hang on, I got that mixed up. [pushes a button, switching the captions so that Y3K is now Darth Brooks, and Y4K is Darth Sipid.] Anyway, here's them circa March 2006, within a month of going to the Star Wars galaxy.

[He pushes another key. The screens shift to a much lower-quality scene of the clones engaging in wanton destruction with their lightsabers and Force-lightning, in some sort of space ship. The most obvious difference is the physical changes: their skin is now a ghastly pale shade (Darth Brooks is slightly less ghastly, but still quite pale), and their eyes are yellow. Corrigible has a malicious smirk that, while evil, doesn't quite seem in character for his previous behavior. Darth Sipid is snarling with uncontrolled rage, his hair rather more messy now. Darth Brooks is grinning like the Joker, made all the more apt by the fact that his hair is green. An Imperial stormtrooper is partly visible in the background, getting stabbed from off-camera by someone else's red-bladed lightsaber.]

Sorry about the image quality, this was the best shot from the security feeds that had all three of them. They and a bunch of other Sith and Dark Jedi surfaced in the Star Wars galaxy, and I got recalled there by the Jedi Council to deal with 'em. Long story, but ... well, this has given me some rather unconventional theories about the Dark Side, and I'm thinking of organizing some sort of expedition to the Star Wars galaxy to investigate it.

I see.

Yeah, uh ... [shrugs] Do we know anyone trustworthy who still hangs around the H2G2, and knows enough about the Star Wars galaxy to help us come up with a list of locations with concentrations of Dark Side energy? [frowns] We'd also have to decide black-and-white whether to count the Jedi Academy video game as canon, since a central plot point of *that* is that the list gets ... shortened.

*Scratches his head, idly*

I think that I have to be left off the list of people who know much about the Star Wars Galaxy, I fear. Judging by my understanding of what you've said so far, at any rate. Pretty much just the three movies, the three alleged movies, and a touch of a book once or twice.

[Yar shrugs] In that case, I suppose we should skip to organizing the expedition, and I'll make my own list ...

[He types a bit at the keyboard. The screens shift back to the various items for constructing the new ship; four screens shift to show different planets, respectively captioned "Dagobah", "Endor (Forest Moon)", "Korriban", and "Vjun".]

Oh, and I'll want to make a stop by the site of the Omegamatic -- I'm pretty sure my *other* three Dark Side clones got killed there, and it'll work as a control for this enquiry.

On that note, how good is CLI technology at detecting the Force, and anomalies in it? Or are we going to have to shop around for that, to?

Best at detecting the Force in the Galaxy. Well...every once in a while a sun-spot'll register as The Force accidentally...but it's the best for your value.

Since we won't be looking directly at any suns with it, I figure that's good enough for me. [sits back] Well, I suppose that's it for now until I've gotten done with my new ship ... and decided on a name for it.

[He gently punches his fists together idly; the gauntlets clang together.]