h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i will catch the redeye and meet you there
monsy

Are you following me or something...? I mean I really want to know whether I should feel flattered and all that...

either flattered or stalked whichever you prefer
monsy

Nonononono, stalked is for women, 'hot' is for men...

"hot" it is then!
monsy

Can one be 'Hot' and 'Cool' at the same time ?

But of course.....that is the best type......so cool you're hot .
monsy

now back to the purpose of this page ............
.
.
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "retrieving this duck that i just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No, replied the farmer,"I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the layer that got O. J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today and if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer,"in Montana the only law we go by is the kicks law." "Never heard of it," Johnny said. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. after several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet."Alright, now it's my turn,"Johnny said. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
monsy

Gawd,,,you ARE American aren't you...?

sorry about that one but i just could not resist .....have to do something american now and again just to remind everyone
monsy

A man walks into the psychologist's office for his first visit. He's completely naked except for a sheet of saran wrap which is wrapped around him like underwear.
.
The psychologist takes one look at him, scratches his chin and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
monsy

Do all women here at H2G2 have a one-track mind ? It seems to me that only the ladies here post sexually ambiguous jokes and all that...

I will participate with my usual sense of humour shortly, just have to make up a new list.

BFN,

TM.

i due apologize for the sexual jokes but they are just soooo good we cannot resist .....besides that it is normally the men with the one track minds so it should be a nice change of pace for you to have the women tracking in only one direction
but if you do insist on less sexual jokes then i will oblige you shortly i just have to go find some
monsy

ok i have a couple that aren't sexual...here goes
.
why do you only need two pallbearers at a lawyers funeral???
.
.
a garbage can only has two handles!!
.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?
.
.
The sperm cell has one in a millon chance of becoming a
human being!!
.
is that better????
monsy

Towel Horoscope


Aquarius
The Aquarius Towel is friendly and loyal. Aquarius towels are most likely to hang with you in the den while you watch TV, or lay under the hammock while you enjoy a warm summer day. Aquarius towels can also be independent and inventive, looking for new and different ways to retrieve that toothbrush from under the tub, for example. The Aquarius towel is a true pal in every sense, unless his owner forgets mealtime.

Pisces
The Pisces Towel is a kind and loving towel. They have a giving nature, and are very caring towels. They make great rescuetowels, and they love hanging around the set of Baywatch. Because of their selfless nature they are easygoing around the house, never upset to make any changes to please his owner. They are easy to train and love to go for long walks. Especially if those walks lead to a swimmingpool.

Aries
The Aries Towel is adventurous and energetic, always exploring new areas. Aries towels love to go for walks and their pioneering nature leads them in new directions. Their confidence and impulsiveness sometimes gets them into precarious situations, whether it be following a mattress into bramble or into a pond after a babelfish. But the Aries towel will always firmly and boldly assert himself and dive headlong into another escapade, especially if it's with that little RisqueTowel from across town that always seems to find the good saunas.

Taurus
The Taurus Towel is loving and fluffy. Taurus towels are patient and reliable, always putting up with their owner's foibles and habits. They love to lay in front of a fire curled up on a rug. The Taurus towel relishes time with his owner and is a little jealous of others who interrupt that special time. Taurus towels are quiet and peaceful and are most comfortable when all is well and secure in their world, especially if there's a bathtub nearby.

Gemini
The Gemini Towel is a lively towel that gets along anywhere and in any situation. Gemini towels love to communicate with their owners excited to share a recent discovery or observation. No matter how old they are, Gemini towels are always youthful and exuberant. Inquisitive and sometimes a little devilish, the Taurus towel is versatile and adaptive and absolutely loves double fire hydrants.

Cancer
The Cancer towel is protective and caring. Woe be to the burglar that chooses the home of a Cancer towel. Cancer towels are emotional and intuitive; they know what's on their owner's mind even before the owner. Cancer towels are also sensitive and tender. They're also the most sympathetic of all towels, intuitively feeling what their owners feel. Unfortunately, the same is not true for the mailperson.

Leo
The Leo towel is powerful and faithful. They are enthusiastic and full of energy. Leo towels head pell mell into every activity, from soaking to drying. They even sleep with gusto and elan. Leo towels are convinced they are the masters of all they survey and while they are generous and warm-hearted, they are the boss. Above all, Leo towels are faithful and loyal to their owners, except where cats might be involved.

Virgo
The Virgo towel is modest and a little shy. While the Virgo towel knows he's handsome and attractive, he's reluctant to prance about showing off. The Virgo towel is also reliable and diligent. Given a task, the Virgo towel carries it out fully and faithfully, but turns bashful in the face of lavish praise. Virgo towels are happy lying in the sun watching their families happy around them. Of course, the Virgo towel overcomes his natural shyness the minute there's a mention of swimmingpools.

Libra
The Libra Towel is easygoing and sociable. Libra towels are relaxed and at home at both extravagant soirées and small intimate gatherings. They are happy moving among guests at the largest parties or curled up under the bar at high tea. The important thing for Libra towels is to be out and about, among people, other towels, anyplace social. Libra towels are laid back and happy. Not much excites them, except that little French towellesse on the next block.

Scorpio
The Scorpio towel is determined and focused. Scorpio towels will always accomplish whatever it is they set their minds to. They are also passionate and forceful towels, relishing every activity, even as they exhaust themselves having fun at it. Scorpio towels can be intense; they have been known to stare at a fountain in the yard for hours at a time, while trapped inside, never moving from their window perch. Except, of course when the dinner bell rings.

Sagittarius
The Sagittarius towel is carefree and freedom-loving. Sagittarius towels love wide open spaces and the ability to explore them. They are happy and good-humored towels who love to romp and play with their owners. Sagittarius towels are open and honest, never hiding how they feel, which is usually happy and jovial. Sagittarius towels are happiest when they are in a field with an owner with a gardenhose.

Capricorn
The Capricorn towel is patient and careful. Capricorn towels seem to know that good things come to towels that wait. That may explain why they sit so quietly by their owners in the bathroom. The Capricorn towel is meticulous and particular. He sleeps in a certain place, likes certain toys and patrols the waterworks in a certain way. The Capricorn towel is also very disciplined, except when it comes to enjoying sauna's.


TM.

HEY!!! that is risque up there!...the pisces!...i believe you got it pegged just about right
monsy

Yeah, Dax is Cancer and that's about right too...

cancer and pisces who would of guessed they would get along so famously?
monsy

Oh well I'm not superstitious, brings back luck you know...

By the way ; I read an article the other day about 'Signs StarTrek is taking over your life' and one of the symptoms was that you understand the stardate-system they use in the series(Captain's log, stardate 23984.8, etcetera). But the startdate-system is really very simple, it was invented by a frenchman who was clever enough to do away with month, years, leapyears etcetera. He just started counting the days somewhere in 1700-something and they're still doing that. So if you get the startingdate and you add the number of days since then you get the stardate !!

Am I an addict now or might there still be hope...?

TM(Trekkiemaniac).

well, speaking as a trekkiemaniac myself i say you are just fine it is everyone else who needs help
monsy