h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi ya all,

I noticed that there are several forums on H2G2 that contain jokes but not very many(ofcourse most of them are sometimes pretty funny). So I thought why not start one dedicated to jokes ?

Now here are the rules(because we want to keep it entertaining don't we ?) :

1. No jokes that are sent all across the world by e-mail PLEASE !!
2. Try to think of something outside of IT(hey did you hear that one about Microsoft......not).
3. Be original. If you want to put up a topfive list or whatever be my guest, you might make one up yourself. Hell we might send the best ones to David Letterman, mentioning H2G2 ofcourse )

Good luck and don't let me doen now.....

The TowelMaster.

quick question before we start this forum rolling.....can they be slightly risky????
monsy

No problemo Monsy.

FANTASTIC!!!!!....I am ready to roll then
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why do Scotsmen wear kilts????
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sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!!!!
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what do you call a happy Roman????
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a glad*i*at*or!!!!
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a blonde and a brunetter were strolling down the beach when the brunette said, "look, a dead bird", the blonde looked up and said, "where?"......
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by the way, just for the record....i have scottish heritage and spent a great deal of my life as a blonde......
monsy

Oh, no, Monsy....not you!!!

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer...I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

once again I'm to the dirty jokes... must....resist.....crass...sophmoric...jokes....!

Dali and Picasso are speaking to one another. Dali tells Picasso "You're good, but you're always doing the same thing- why don't you escape that artistic box?"
Picasso replies "Because I'm a cubist".
Well it was funny in spanish.

Got more, can't remember them right now, though...

Fenchurch!!!!....I am SO glad you got my message!!! I did not want to be the only one posting these kind of jokes ....although they are quite good aren't they????
as for the cheekyness of my past blondeness, all i can say is this...."THANK GOD FOR HAIR DYE!!!!!"
now, on with the jokes!!!!.........
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?????
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You marry her!!!!
monsy

I'd never let you ramble alone!!!

Hair dye---Artificial Intelligence?

A blonde was driving through Iowa, past some corn fields, when she looked over and saw another blonde. She was setting in the corn rows and was rowing like she was in a boat. The blonde called over to the one in the corn field and said "It is stupid blondes like you that gives the rest of us blondes a bad name. I would come over there and knock your head off .... if I could swim."

Two guys feel like going to lunch, but they happen to be with their dogs- a labrador and a chiwaua(sp?). The guy with the labrador says "Don't worry about it, I got a way to get him in." he proceeds to walk through the entrance, and is then stopped by the manager. "You're not allowed to have dogs in here." "Oh you don't understand, I'm blind, this is my seeing eye dog". The manager then proceeds to let the man go through. The second guy decides it's a good idea, and follows suit. "Sir, this is my deeing eye dog." "I've never seen a chiwaua used as a seeing eyes dog before!" there is a slight pause- "Those bastards gave me a chiwaua??"

Cognito Eggo Sum- I think, therefore I am a waffle

what do you call a hillbilly female that can run faster than her brothers????
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A Virgin!!!
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monsy

HAHAHA That one takes the cake.

Three men are arguing over which kind of engineer would design the human body. The first guy says "I think it was a structural engineer- just look at the way all the pieces fit and move together. The second guy says "It was a visual engineer. Look at the body's beauty." The third guy says "You're both wrong, the human body was definitely built by a civic engineer. Who else would run toxic wastelines through a recreational area???"

what did the storm say to the coconut tree????
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hold on to your nuts, a blow job is coming over!!!!!
monsy

Oh my ladies ! I'm sort of collecting my materials so to speak

I'll get back with MY list (gnagnagnagnagna...)

TM.

Hello All .....you may recall this from another forum but I thought it was good so I swiped it for this forum....hope you don't mind
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.What do you call a zit on a mans genitals?
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His brain.
monsy

Eearth, some information to help you live on it.


The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation

15.Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14.Grooming the Wookie
13.Making the Kessel Run
12.Polishing Vader's Helmet
11.Evacuating Tatooine
10.Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9.Releasing the Special Edition
8.Jumping to Delight Speed
7.Communicating with Red Leader One
6.Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5.Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4.Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3.Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2.Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...

1.Test Firing the Death Star


The Top 14 Song Titles if the Artists Re-Made Them Today

10.The Eagles -- "Pantsful, Queasy Feeling"
9.Van Halen -- "Limp!"
8.Aretha Franklin -- "D-E-P-E-N-D-S"
7.Crosby, Stills and Nash -- "Suite: Betty Ford Clinic"
6.The Rolling Stones -- "(I Can't Get No) Satisfactory Erection"
5.The Who -- "(Talkin' 'Bout) My Operation"
4.Rod Stewart -- "Tonight's The Night (If The Viagra's Alright)"
3.Led Zeppelin -- "Chairlift To Heaven"
2.Elton John -- "Saturday Night's All Right For Bingo"

and the Number 1 Song Title if the Artist Re-Made It Today...

1.Yes -- "Owner of a Bypassed Heart"


The Top 12 Unpublished Beatles Songs

12.Got to Get You Off of My Wife
11.She Came In Through John's Fragile Ego
10.She's a Woman (Who Was a Man)
9.Can't Buy Me Love (But Can Rent It by the Hour for 300 Big Ones)
8.Lucy In The Sky With Linus
7.Eleanor Furby
6.All You Need is Drugs
5.Nor-Region Woody
4.She Came in Through the Whitehouse Window
3.While My Guitar Gently Fetches £150,000 At Auction
2.I Wanna Hold You, Hans

and the Number 1 Unpublished Beatles Song...

1.Lay Me, Madonna>

very good
picture this: a man standing on the side of the road looking confused when a police officer came up to check on him.......
policeman: son are you alright?
man: i seem to of lost my car.
policeman: where did you see it last?
man: right on the end of this here key (showing the policeman the car key)
policeman: have you been drinking son?
man: no sir osifer....
about this time the police officer notices the mans pants are unzipped
policeman: son zip your pants when you talk to me can't you see your willie is hanging out????
man: OH HELL!!!!!.....I lost my wife too!!!.....
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sorry bad one i know but i couldn't help myself
monsy

You have a dirty mind, can I borrow you for a while...?

sure!!!......where are we going
monsy

O my darlink,,,I vill take u to greece vith ze lovelie beaches and ze beautifull sea...Oh la la....

On retour toujours a ses premiers amours....

*Grin*......oh my!....Greece.....sounds lovely........(i can't do the accent but maybe you can teach me) ..........*starts packing*
monsy

I'm leavink on ze jetplain...