h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Anyone who includes links to Max Cannon and Dave Barry and participates in forums on articles about Mel Brooks must be worth meeting, because anyone who does that has my twisted sense of humor. Sadly, I've not gotten in much Dave Barry or Red Meat since moving to college...

You think college is culturally adrift? You try living in New Zealand.

Dave Barry used to be syndicated in one of our newspapers, but that soon stopped when most of the population didn't get it ("but he IS making it up!" etc). And Red Meat is something I found recently and can't get enough of. (NB: any crappy double-entendres and puns will not be tolerated).

Nice page of yours, too. Sorry about your bike - although might I suggest doing what I do; have such a shite bike that no idiot would want to steal it for fear of both mockery and safety.

I've currently replaced my stolen mountain bike with an old racing bike that my parents used to use. I can't get used to that skinny little wheel, but it surely doesn't stick out as the most enticing bike in the area. Sorry that no one in New Zealand understands Dave Barry. Are his books at least available there?

Books? Not in real-life stores (the ones with people and counters and shelves and stuff), but undoubtedly they're available in imaginary internet stores (the ones with no people and different types of counters and credit card fraud and stuff).

I'm not sure, but I suspect that your old "racing bike" is what we backwards idiots in New Zealand used to call "ten speeds" - presumably because they had two gear positions that would work without the chain falling off. Ten speeds has those tiny little wheels, and also those ridiculous curvy handlebars that could be held 10,000 different ways and yet each time make you look like a plonker.

Although I've been told that with skinnier wheels it's easier to use no hands (although thinking about it now, that must be bollocks). So it can't be all that bad.

That's them alright!

Well there's no fear of further theft then!

In fact I think we have just developed a brand-new and surefire anit-theft method; that is, if you don't want something to be stolen, make sure it's so pathetic that no self-respecting criminal waould want to steal it. This approach could apply not only to bikes but also cars, CDs, partners and jokes.

There's a kid here who put duct tape on his brand new bike seat and spray painted his brand new bike a flat color so that no matter how good a bike it was, no one would steal it.

I do it 'Double Dutch'.

I have a pathetic looking bike, and about 6 kilo's of solid steel locks. My bike is over fifty years old and cycles as smooth as jelly fish in olive oil.

(Now that you mention it. I've got a flat tire too.)

Well I guess there must be a point where the theft-repellent element is completely overridden by the functional utility element, but nice try nonetheless.

And to be honest, I've never seen a jelly fish in olive oil. But I have seen a snail in sulphuric acid. Yuck.

Why would a snail be in sulfuric acid? I mean, I understand why a jelly fish would be in olive oil, but why would a snail be in sulfuric acid?

Because some mean-spiritied school children put it in there.

I have never seen a better visual representation of "writhing in agony" than that poor snail.

Bastards.

That's awful!

I can assure you that I had nothing to do with it. All I did was paint racing stripes on the side of my snail.

Okay, so this snail walks into a used car dealership, and picks out the fastest heap of junk in the shop. He tells the salesman, "okay, I'll buy it, but first I want you to paint a gigantic 'S' on each side." The salesman looks puzzled, but he complies, having the garage paint a gigantic "S" on each side of the car. As the snail gets ready to drive off, the salesman asks "well, sir, I'm glad you bought the car, but I've just got to know, why the big 'S'?" "Well,"says the snail, "I've been so slow all my life, everybody always teases me because I'm so slow in everything. But I thought if I could get a car, I could really be fast, faster than a rabbit, faster than anything! I just wanted everyone to stare and say 'Look at that "S" car go!'"

Right then. This union worker is on the job. There's a snail down by his feet. He lifts up his leg and stomps on the snail. SPLATT!!! The guy next to him asks, "What the hell did you do that for?" He replied, "The damn thing has been following me around all day."

Now that's... that's mean.

only in the UK - nz doesn't have any union workers left does it?

Alright then - here's a less topical but equally as pathetic snail joke:

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.
"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.
"I'm a snail," the bloke replied.
The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
The bloke replied. "That's Michelle."

I do believe the ball is in your corner, Mr Washington...