h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, the tea break went well.

Let's just say that Man U fans are not used to humiliation.

We have one lone Man City fan in the office. He has a hangover the size of Jupiter but he made it in. After decades of being a joke there was no way he was going to miss work this moring.

Always good to have an excuse to go to Galway. Still the best drinking town I've ever been in.

Morning people.

Morning Mac.

All went well yesterday, after all.

I'd be perfectly happy if it wasn't for the thought of next weekend's game.

Jack, we've got Bolton at home before that. And even though in reality I am thinking of Saturday, I think keeping up the pretence of being distracted with Tuesday's game is the right way to go.

All in all, it hasn't been a bad week Jack. We'd best make the most of it though.

We'd better.

'Cos I think we know what's going to happen tomorrow. We'll play the kids, keep the stars on the bench, then send Van Persie on for the last ten minutes when we're chasing an equaliser and he'll do his cruciate missing a last minute open goal.

Not that I'm naturally pessimistic or anything.

I don't think that's pessimism Jack, I reckon that's just the sad truth of it all.

Maybe we should simply never mention football again, Mac.

So, ermmm, what are you having for lunch?

I've made my mind up early today. It's a classic.

I'm not sure actually Jack, I am thinking a Classic but then the correct ingredients for a Classic aren't always available here so I might have to make do with some corned beef or something.

And never mentioning that sport again Jack sounds good. I know PSD would sign up to it.

That is, not talking about it unless something good happens tomorrow night of course.

Gah!!!!

You won't believe this but some half-assed, idiotic, braindead, dozy twonk decided that today would be a good day for a fire drill.

So everybody in the entire building had to go outside and stand in the pouring rain for five minutes before coming back in.

That's hundreds of people completely soaked.

Worst of all was a guy who for some reasom chose not to wear a jacket when he went out. Just a shirt and tie. Very clever. Inevitably he's management. That's the thing about management. They're all idiots.

Jack, I've come to realise you don't get anywhere in this life unless you're a complete idiot. Look at those people from that sport we won't mention. And like you say, management too.

I always thought Thursday's were the designated days for fire drills anyway.

Food time.

Lunch over.

It turns out it wasn't a scheduled fire drill earlier.

Some idiot electrician who's working in the building accidentally set the alarm off by cutting the wrong cable. So he got hundreds of us wet and was also responsible for the fact that two fire brigades automatically came out for a visit.

An electrician cutting the wrong wire?

That doesn't sound like he is an electrician at all.

Maybe he's a United fan who's going around in a trance.

There could be incidents like this all over the place today. United supporting bakers setting the bakery on fire. United supporting truck drivers causing massive accidents.

ALl I'm saying is, if you're travelling by train this week, Mac, just make sure the train driver isn't a United fan.

I am but on Thursday so hopefully he'll be lucid enough, given they have Aldershot. If they do go out of the Carling Cup it's probably for the best that I don't get a train for the next year or so.

Even defending like they did in the last five minutes yesterday they'd be good enough to beat Aldershot.

Maybe you should just walk back to Colne though, just to be on the safe side.

Do you reckon I'd do it in less than a year? There are a lot of KFC's I'd erm 'run' in to on the way.

Can you live entirely on KFC for a whole year, Mac?

I guess not Jack. McDonald's too?

Surviving entirely on KFC and McDonalds would mean no classics for a year.

I wouldn't recommend it.

You'll just have to take your chances with the zombified United fan driving the train.