h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yeah, I thought it was pretty good too, but I've just one small matter to point out; which is that I am female and not male... oh, and I'm non-existent, therefore I can't die. But that's all. And I reckon that all that can be absolutely fine if you say just two words. And just to make things easy I'm going to say them myself: Poet's License. Right, that's just ruined any sort of suspense that I'd managed to work up, sorry and all that...

femMing. Explain to me your theory of your non existence I am very interested.

sorry to mistaken your gender identification ming. I was thinking "ming the merciless" not fine china. cleverly, your page does not let this secret slip at any point but if you say you are a girl I will believe it for now (although for all I know, you may be one of Imaldris' coconuts).
but anyway how can something non existent have a gender, when any distinguishing physiological or psychological characteristics of gender do not exist?
ah ha. poor ming's gender identity vanishes in a puff of logic.
pow - mic killed by heard of zebras when he is strolling through the desert in a hambueglar costume.

i'm just going to snicker and keep an eye on my coconuts see if they have come up with spontaneous gender associations now. If my coconuts get coconuts i'll be quite astounded. I'll stand back in silence now and peel the hamburgler off the ground, maybe pile some coconuts on his head and sell him to an art gallery or something.

'eye call zis pieze of ze art "steel life wiz flat hamburglar and coco nuts" eez beeautifool, no?'

I know my page (you went on it and read it? someone did that? Wahoo!) doesn't at any point let this slip, that is intentional so I can see who thinks I'm male and who thinks I'm female and who doesn't want to prejudge my gender...
And as to the gender front, I can be female, 'cos as you pointed out something that is non-existent cannot have a gender. Therefore it stands to reason that they cannot be 'it's either because that is also a gender. Therefore they aren't anything, which makes referring to them difficult, so they decide which gender they want to be known as. And as I was female before I became non-existent I wished to be known as a female, and therefore am although it is impossible...
Sometimes I really hate being non-existent. It's so complicated!

i wandered about your page for a bit but hmm...i think i'll refrain from calling you anything now... Why the hell are you non existent anywho??? I wish i was a non existent muffin then all these people would stop bothering about my unpaid bills....and i could just tell them to eat me.

who referred to you as male, anywho? I don't recall doing it.

it was meeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I don't think that becoming a non-existant muffin would be that good a move. how would you open doors? how would you smoke pot. oh oh you could be a hash muffin.

mmm. hash muffins.

I have absolutely no idea how I came to be non-existent.
Have you any idea how you came to be existent?
What in thingy is a hash muffin? Surely you can only be either hash or a muffin? (or the non-existent form of both)
Being non-existent means that you can't really breath and you can't really eat. I'm a non-existent that can't breath at all but eats loads. And if you can't breath then you can't smoke...

wait, before i comment, are you still unsullied by the dirtiness of the world that you don't partake in the little smoke?? i would not like to be the devirginizer of your drug free mind especially since i'm only a muffin, but assuming that you know a hash muffin is an enhanced sort of muffin that starts this sort of endless cycle of stone munch stone munch stone munch, aggg. existent? Do not try and bend the imaldris, instead try only to see the truth.
There is no muffin.

yes it is a wonderful co-existence: both hash and muffin, both causer of munchies and satisfier of these very cravings, both imaldris and hashy yummy oil infused baked good!!!

bend the spoon shape the spoon anyway you want the spoon, as long as you don't cogitate the spoon then it's alright!!!
(d'you think I'm onto a hit or what???)

ming: if imaldris doesn't want to go sullying you and you are still as yet unsullied then please allow me to be the one to advise you that all drugs are good in huge quantities and anyone who tells you different probably works for the government!!

by golly i think you are! do not cogitate the spoon ,do not proceed to emasculate with the spoon. The hash muffin says, she has heard society say it is not a good thing to do drug, she takes a nibble of her sleeve and thinks, "eh! f*#% society!", listen to Ac-1d, hes the man who can sully most thoroughly.

The only drugs I have tried are alcohol and caffeine. I do not like any form of alcohol and only like caffeine in fizzy sugary soft drinks. Like coke and Dr. Pepper and Red Bull (got any of those wherever it is you lurk?). I am perfectly happy with getting high and hyper on sugar, E-numbers and caffeine, and I really don't need any other drugs to do it. (except maybe that amazing stuff adrenalin that we actually make ourselves in our bodies. Unfortunately I don't have a body to make it, but I remember it for some reason from when I did.)

But don't let me stop you dong whatever drugs you like yourself, I am happy with what I've got and I think you should also be happy (or as happy as you can be) with what you have.

Non-existent Ming says to non-existent hash muffin that still goes by the name of Imaldris 'you also chose to be female, then?'

Thoroughly sullying bloke, that Ac-1D.

yes, I'se be being a feminine american hash muffican, non resident of ny in fact in the state of insanity. And it be great. Drugs. Eh, well they arent all they seem. but i'd stay away from them for as long as possible i were nonexistently you. Adrenaline is grreat, dr pepper is EVEN BETTER!!!!! you seem to be american of what non state are you? (please don't be from a dakota!)

Well, I'll do my best to stay away from them...

I'm not American, goddammit! I'm English, British, whichever's right nowadays...
But at least I'm not from Dakota...

¦M¦

yay I'm not from dakota either. (silently thanks the big drug in the sky).

I am glad that I have now attracted a reputation as a sully-er. now I can go into business as a professional.

yay yay yay I'm not from dakota.

um, what's wrong with dakota? is that where all the mutants are kept?

well, by the way if you like energy drinks you'll love lsd. (that's a freebie)

I remember my PSE (Personal Social Education) teacher told us all about the effects of LSD and I thought maybe if I had a spare life I might try it. But to the best of my knowledge, I don't actually have a life at all, let alone a spare one, so I won't. But thanks for the offer, anyway... (????)
We're doing a play in Drama at the moment about Mutants. I'm a Mutant's mother called Mary. Good, that isn't it ; Ming - Mary! OK, it's really not good at all...
Yeah, what IS wrong with Dakota? (you've got me really curious now, come on!)

¦M¦

well you see the thing wrong with the dakotas are its underlying themes of elbow sex and inbreeding...in the animal population. THe way ive heard it, is that there are no humans in dakota, only mutants that look like humans, or maybe its the other way around. oh yeh, humans that look like mutants. and it'd be better to stay away from the dakotas, if you have a choice, if you don't have a choice however, i'd advise to keep your head down and mutter to yourself "grenade launchers" and you'll fit right in long enough to fire bomb them and escape. oh, and sorry about the cultural mix up there, you english person you, hey YOU LIVE WHERE THE HISTORY COMES FROM!