h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Two Bit!

I thought to ask you about this because you've probably dealt with similar situations professionally and might have some good advice to offer before things go awry.

My brother is worried that his future ex-wife will run with their child when she visits him this weekend. My brother has custody for the time being, as his wife has been ordered by the court to get her alcoholism sorted out. She's probably a bit desperate, realizing that she might not have custody for quite some time. She wiped out their savings accounts and has enough money available to go underground for a good while if she wanted to.

I suggested that he implant a little Lo-Jack kinda device in a stuffed animal that my nepphie will take with him (started a thread on Ask H2 to inquire about that) but was wondering if you had any other ideas which you'd be willing to pass on.

Thank you!

I don't have any particularly good advice. I don't know what sort of tracking hardware that you could put on a child or in his property that wouldn't be prohibitively expensive. Maybe someone will come up with a good idea in Ask h2g2. My guess is that the cost would be comparable to hiring a private investigator to monitor her.

Although it just occurred to me, cell phones are getting pretty easy to track, and they are pretty small. One might be concealable. I don't know that I'd tell the child about it because the child would be a security risk. You also don't want to spook the child in case Mom's visit is perfectly normal and she returns the child.

You don't want to cast the mother as a bad guy to the child. I'd make sure that the child knows that its well loved, and how much he's appreciated at home. Ask the child to call every night while he's away. That may make it harder for the mother to convince the child that dad doesn't want him back.

I'd make sure threat I had Mom's tag number. If there is an abduction. That's the thing that's going to get her stopped by the police what with Amber Alerts and BOLOs.

As for dealing with the mother, I'd speak with her. Express hope that her treatment will go well, and that the father will bring the child whenever visitation is allowed. Try to get her focused on what will happen when she's recovered and leading a healthy lifestyle. Try to think of ways that everyone will be able to work together for the benefit of the child in the future. This is sort of rif on hostage negotiations. I haven't ever considered using it before a hostage situation took place in order to prevent one.

I think the idea that she's going to abduct the child sounds melodramatic. Obviously the relationship between the mother and father is dysfunctional. If this is being brought up, they're probably using the child to attack one another through the child. They're probably getting the child involved in their disputes, and the child is probably getting torn apart. Few things piss me off more than when parents get their kids wrapped up in their drama.

Everybody needs to think about what they're doing, and therapy should be considered for all involved. The child MUST be taken to see someone.

It's really time for a reality check for everyone. The parents need to agree to settle their issues between themselves, and leave the child out of it. They need to agree in letter and spirit to keep the child knowing about the issues that the parents have with each other. The parents should make an effort to emphasize what is good about the other parent in the presence of the child.

I doubt that any of what I've written in the last three paragraphs will do any good. The parents are engaged in a lot of drama, and the child has already been mentioned as a pawn. I suspect the paernts are probably lobbying the child already, even if its subconcsious. Left on it's own, the child IS going to engage in self-destructive behaviors such as premature sexual activity and dysfunctional romantic relationships. Since the mother is prone to alcohol abuse, plan on the child being chemically dependent.

I've spent the last two days in a homicide investigations class. On the way home, I spent two hours working with kids in a probation intervention program. The rest of the night has been spent reading about sexual assault classification, with an emphasis on child abuse. I might be a tad hypersensative tonight with a low tolerance for drama involving children.

Thank you, Two Bit.

My brother is extremely aware of how he talks about his wife in front of his son. He *wants* the boy to have access to his mother, hence the visit this weekend (which is not required by the court). He just demands that she have other adults with her during the visit so she doesn't get ripped (or drive drunk) with the boy in the car. Problem is, her family.... they're not-very-smart rednecks and have already lied to the judge at the first temp custody hearing about the drinking. It came out that *they* had filed mental health paperwork in the system to get their daughter help and were worried about my nepphie's safety. The second custody hearing put my nepphie (he's 3 years old) with my brother. Her family believes they have everything under control and that the lil fella is better off with his mom and them, though he's doing just fine with my brother who's a military doctor.

Talking to the wife doesn't work because she's in total denial, claims it's all a conspiracy to steal her son. She was drunk again a couple days after the court-ordered rehab. She's a good person, just, her mind is waaaay messed up right now. Blackouts, violence and paranoid-style rationalle when she drinks.

Though it sounds melodramatic, abduction is a very real concern. Not only did the wife wipe out their joint savings accounts, she forged my brother's signature in order to do so. She's got her hands on enough cash to disappear for 6 months comfortably, and hasn't even paid her attorney yet. Her family has voiced concern that she might suicide if she doesn't get custody, and her entire reason for living is for her son. She's desperate, especially since she didn't get the boy back as soon as she completed rehab as she'd expected.

It's a mess.

I'm sorry to have hit you with this when you were hypersensitive, but your advice has helped and I thank you.