h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK, so you reach 30+, have a proper job, apartment etc, and you know you're not a kid anymore because you want clothes for Christmas? You're a bit of an odd'un.

Maybe blokes just don't desire new clothes in the same way women do (really, Frizz, what an astute observation!) - or is it clothes shopping that puts you off? You really wanted a new whatever but can't stand the shopping, so wait for Christmas and let someone else do all the work?

I don't consider myself as having terribly great taste in clothes. Could be my nerdiness, I suppose. It's certainly nice to have someone with better tastes than I pick out clothes to suit me and even foot the bill, for goodness sake.

Actually, I was referring to once being a kid and wanting nothing but toys for Christmas. Too bad toys hadn't been invented yet (or Christmas, for that matter).

Crikey - I couldn't trust anyone to buy clothes for me

I don't want to be too boring and pedantic and spoil the joke, but I think toys have actually been knocking around for an exceedingly long time - even longer than you, perhaps?

Oh no, hang on - I think we'd dated you back to early prehistoric, hadn't we?

Yes, I and my ameobic friends didn't have toys or even any concept of the passing of time. Had to acquire that one.

Well you seem pretty fit considering your age - still got your faculties, own hair and teeth. You're doing v. well for someone millions of years old. What's the secret to your longevity?

Well, having no concept of the passing of time helped for a while. It could be my ability to evolve into new shapes and forms (a skill which I appear to have lost about 30 years ago).

But I think the main reason for my longevity is that I'm so old. If I wasn't so old I never would have lasted this long.

So do you celebrate birthdays - or as you developed in a time before calendars do you celebrate some sort of formation of consciousness day? (or has that not happened yet )

Very funny.

Unfortunately, long-term memory didn't develop until long after consciousness, so I don't remember the day of consciousness. No calendars then anyway, so the day of celebration would have to be arbitrary. However, I currently have better things to do than jump about my apartment celebrating a non-remembered period encompassing the development of conscious thought. I have work to do, for God's sake.

Ooh, you party-pooper - sounds like fun to me

I wonder what kinds of party games you'd play at such a celebration. The weevils would likely get drunk on honey again and start forming pyramids on my television and forming conga lines.

Excellent fun - can I join in (I'll bring my beverage of choice if you don't mind, honey gives me a terrible headache the next day.)

You should see the weevils the next morning. They're scattered everywhere, most f them upended on their backs. Last party I had to dismantle my A/V receiver because three of them had wound up trapped inside. I still have no idea how they managed to get in there.

And, naturally, the bathroom is a disaster area. Poor, sickly little weevils everywhere. I have to gather them up and set them in their little beds with little cups of hot cocoa and little bags of ice on their poor aching little heads. It's enough to make you want to take a picture.

What a caring type you are. I wish I got that sort of sympathy from DM

This imagery is getting silly, but I'm rather enjoying myself with it.

To return rather scarily to reality, that sort of reminds me of a 'comedy rat episode' chez Frizzychick.

Awoke one morning to discover one of the rats had gone walkabouts during the night. cat was only a wee kitten at this stage, so we were pretty sure he hadn't got him - but could we find the blessed rodent anywhere?

Answer : yes, actually. His sneaky hiding place was given away by his tail hanging down from below one of the shelves - he had climbed up a cable from the stereo and was hiding behind a speaker V. funny - esp. his silly little tail coming out of the back of the speaker.

I bet he tought he was pretty clever, hiding so successfully behind the speaker. he must have had egg on his fur when he was discovered.

I think he was probably quite pleased - methink he was a bit stuck

Did the other rat laugh at him when he was put back?

Yes, I think there was some rodent sniggering.

Tommy, the lost rat in question, has since passed away and has been replaced (you know what I mean) by the cutest little blonde thing - called Ewan - who does not have the same sense of adventure and has yet not ventured off the roof of his cage, although recently he has been looking longingly at the stereo. Rats must just like music