Journal Entries
Even more rotten luck
Posted Jun 10, 2008
Dear all,
Many thanks for the hugs. They meant a lot to me.
It gets worse. I had to go into hospital for surgery, as after two weeks or so my body hadn't managed to complete the miscarriage on it's own. And a few days after that, I collapsed and was rushed back to hospital with a post-operative infection (not-very-funnily enough, also known as puerperal fever, or that which killed Mary Wollstonecraft (the mother of Mary Shelley), so my literary credentials are still intact). I have been sent home again, after spending a couple of days being pumped full of the sort of almighty intravenous antibiotics where everyone's surprised if you DON'T throw up. I didn't surprise anyone 
. I am now on three more antibiotics, all of which could probably kill a badger at seventeen paces, but at least I get to swallow these and keep my lunch.
I feel rather unwell. I can't think why.
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Latest reply: Jun 10, 2008
Rotten luck
Posted Jun 3, 2008
I thought I had better explain why I've mysteriously vanished from hootoo. I finally got pregnant - those of you who know me will know how very long I've waited for this - and just when I was about to leap forward and announce the miraculous news, I miscarried. On my birthday no less. Happy Birthday to me.
Discuss this Journal entry [12]
Latest reply: Jun 3, 2008
Insane Yarn
Posted Aug 8, 2006
I've knitted since I was a teeny child. Lately I've even become quite good at it. Too good. It's taking over my life. Well, if not my life, then certainly my living-room.
Projects currently on the needles:
- 'Irish weather' socks (the yarn colour is very like Irish skies - all shades of grey and white with glimpses of blue) for me! me! me!
- White lace 'christening' shawl, consisting of approximately a bazillion stitches on teeny tiny 2.5 mm needles. I am not making it for anyone in particular. I just wanted to see if I could design and make a shetland lace shawl. Apparantly I can - very very very slowly.
- Mindlessly simple purple sweater in chunky yarn on whopping needles, for when the lace shawl is doing my head (eyesight?) in. Also for me. Because my winter sweaters are in the nth stage of decrepitude, what with being all second hand and thirteen years old.
- Smart silk sweater with shirt-like collar. I am sewing this one up. I hate sewing. It will therefore be finally finished when I am sixty-four and no longer need or want a smart little top for work.
- Green 'cobweb' shetland shawl. Even finer and more maddening than the white shawl, and final proof that I have lost my mind, as again I am only making it to see if I can.
- Dozens of miniature hats (made out of yarn scraps and left-overs) for innocent's 'Supergran' project (http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/us/our_ethics/doing_good_things/supergran/)
Things that SHOULD be on the needles:
- Little pink dress for niece's birthday (she genuinely is one of the few little girls who really REALLY suits pink. This distresses her grungy mother a great deal).
- Mother's cashmere slipper-socks which should have been for her birthday. I tell myself I didn't get started becasue I was looking for the ideal pattern. Honestly compels me to admit it's because they're cashmere. Cashmere! I. Must. Not. Sc**w. Up.
- Knee-socks for favourite aunt. Because I promised her four pairs and have only delivered three.
- Cute wood-nymph-colour knee-socks for sister's birthday.
- Silk camisole for her Christmas present.
- Black lacey stockings for other sister's Christmas.
- Fingerless gloves for Mum's Christmas (I have the yarn! It's made out of soy protein! It just tickles me pink that I'm making my dear old hippy mum tofu gloves).
- Mohair and silk scarf/ stole for step-Mum's Christmas.
- Lace wedding-ring shawl for best friend's wedding. This one may very well BITE MY ASS. Especially as she hasn't yet decided whether she wants this or a patchwork quilt (also to be hand-made by yours truly). Oh well.
See? OUT of my TINY MIND. Where's the coffee?
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Latest reply: Aug 8, 2006
A bitter life
Posted Jul 23, 2006
There are, here and there about the internets, message-boards for the use of women who are trying to get pregnant and would like some support, reassurance and vent-space. I have, of late, been prowling them, clearly and obsessive-compulsive thing to do that I must stop at once. I could go on about the unnecessary medicalization of what should be a fairly natural and healthy process and about many (MANY MANY) women's extremely unrealistic expectations ('We've been having unprotected sex for 33 days now! Why aren't I pregnant!'). And we'll skip over the deeply, unhealthily weird effect all this seems to be having on a lot of women's sex-lives. What truly bugs me, what, in fact, is stopping from me joining in and chatting with these ladies, is the bile.
Look, ladies, I completely understand feeling sad and envious when someone or other you know gets pregnant or gives birth. Heck, a friend had a 10-pounder just yesterday (though I must say, any envy I felt there was subsumed entirely in the feeling of ten pounds? TEN pounds? Good God Almighty). I also understand the complicated and cross feeling you get when said sprogging aquaintance then tells you they hadn't been trying/ were using birth control/ didn't want more kids. And I know how annoying relations can be about the whole business. Indeedy. And most of you are quite legitimately venting and asking for reassurance.
But really, why do a few of you indulge (unchecked, indeed, even encouraged) in such vile bile and sputum? Directed towards innocently happy women innocently and happily being delighted with their own miracle? Why such rage at people who 'don't seem to appreciate their luck?' What, actually, IS lucky about having four kids already and not enough money or time or health to do it all again? What, precisely, should an 18-year-old at college be grateful FOR when her birth control fails? And here you are, seemingly intelligent women, so blinded by your own desire for a child that you lose all ability to understand or empathise with another person's utterly different circumstances.
Oh, I agree, people need a safe place to vent anger and loss. But I insist, there IS a very important difference between lamenting that every one else seems to have all the luck or the ironies of unwanted pregnancies just when you really want one, and downright hating people for daring to have a life and to carry on with it. As if the entire world revolved around your uterus. As if no one was allowed a baby until you'd had your turn. As if other people's children weren't the precious inheritance that would be your doctors, nurses, policemen, waiters, shop-assistants, home-helps, TV presenters, tax-payers damn it, that would keep you alive and well and amused in your old age whether you yourself every sprogged or not. There's venting, and there's stewing away in your own little hell. We are adults. We know some thoughts do not become us. While some thoughts are inevitable, that does not make them right. It certainly does not give us permission to wallow self-rightously in them.
Please, someone, tell me if I ever get like that.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Jul 23, 2006
Love me or leave me and let me be lonely
Posted Jul 15, 2006
I adore babies. I can distinctly remember disliking them intensely - nasty noisy incontinent incoherent dribbling little things - between the ages of, well, my own babyhood and 26 or so. And then, I started to slowly like them, find them sweet and amusing, smile and make faces at other people's babies in queues, and feel chuffed to bits when they responded with smiles and gurgles. I find pregnant women fascinating as well, and am genuinely interested in the whole process (indeedy. From start 
to finish) of making new people. I think this is what everyone meant when they used to tease me about biological clocks. My husband and I would love to make a whole new person of our own.
However, because Life Is Like That, I have a fertility problem. (I am feeling highly aware of it at the moment as my body has gone completely nuts and has taken to bleeding at random intervals. Gah). Friends and family have taken to responding in two ways:
1) Aware that we want kids, they swamp me with (well-meaning but frequently unhelpful) advice, talk to me about my future children as if they were really going to definitely turn up any minute, tell me off for not being pregnant already (yes. They do. Apparantly I am cruelly and deliberately depriving my niece of cousins her own age), and generally seem totally unaware that an infertile woman might not like to have her face rubbed in it at every family gathering.
2) Never ever ever ever mention the subject of babies and pregnancy - any baby, any pregnancy - at all. Even their own. I appreciate their desire to protect me and their consideration, I really do. BUT...
...as I said above, I LIKE babies. And I want to hear all about my friends' pregnancies and sproglets. I really really do. I agree, I will from time to time go all wistful and maybe even a little envious (a lot envious. Just once or twice. Sorry).
Ideally, friends and family would talk to me about THEIR babies, tactfully ignore me if I wander off to blow my nose, be ready to listen and sympathise when I (note. I. Not you. I) want to vent/rant/whine/sob/talk about acupuncturists. 99% of the time I'm not going to cry or bitch, I promise. I want to enjoy my infant acquaintances and my nearest-and-dearest's company. And if anyone has heard something really interesting and possibly helpful about my condition, I would like to hear it. Only, I'd like people to say 'Have you heard about/ considered/ tried whatever-it-is?' and hush up should I say 'yes/ not appropriate for me/ already tried/ not interested in trying.' As it is too many people start 'You simply MUST try this/ read this/ do this,' and refuse to accept that I might me an intelligent adult who does her research and understands her own weird body best.
And don't nag me or tell me I need to relax 'and it'll just happen'. Do people even realise it sounds horribly like they're blaming me for being childless, and uncomfortable, and in pain?
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Latest reply: Jul 15, 2006
Agapanthus
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