h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey Kreetch

You never got me my drink.
Goes towards the fridge to help myself
I see you still havent got my Tia Maria, what are you like.? lol
Hears a screetch of tyres outside and a car door banging.
In walks Stuey with his plumbing tools and with all his bits and pieces.
Stuey comes over to his Nats and gives me a
As he has done that he says, the ing traffic is terrible.
And he also says wheres the bar staff cos he wants a cos hes thirsty and exhausted from all the travelling hes done.
Stuey has finished his and go to see what the problem is.
Comes back and tells Kreetch the Float Operated Valve is nackere, the cistern has got a little crack in it, and one of the loo pans has got a hole in the side.
He goes out to the back of the van, and takes out Low Level Toilet cistern, one length 15ml copper tube, one length plastic 22ml solvent weld pipe and fittings, aswell as solvent.
Comes back out and asks for another while he goes out to lock the van up.
I hope you are happy with his work lol
We are now going to find some digs here, to spend the night together, so we will come back later on, or if not tomorrow.
Anyway we are going now to find some digs, or have you room in here.?
Let us know please one way or the other.

xx*NATS*xx and Stuey

Why, certainly. There are five rooms here at the Auchnawhaggisagin Arms, breakfast will be brought to the room of your choice. I do try to be around to actually manage this pub, but unfortunatly I also have another job that requires my presence, but do feel free to help yourself at the bar, I have a system set up that records whats being used. (Its called dust. Things that have been removed are therefore used and can be identified by the shape of the clean surface underneath. Crafty eh?!)(oh yeah, and the survaillence system identifies the user...)

I decided to expand my pub to include the surrounding area (and also to learn how to do more stuff, but I cannae seem to get the hang of the smiley things yet, goddammit little mites and their pesky coding. Do take a wander.

Stuey, the toilet is perfect, I admire the flushing action, the way it causes the little speaker to sing

You done a pee, you done pee
Now wash your hands, the water's free!

Sublime.

Now, about breakfast, will that be Full English, Continental or Highland Extreme?

Hi Kreetch

Mmmmm full english breakfast, oh yeah Kreetch can i have that please, the works aswell as all the trimmings.?
So you do have rooms then, have you a bridal suite, if so can i have one please.
I will be your cleaner if you want, i dont mind getting my hands dirty, but i wont do the toilets cos i have a queasey stomach.
How do you pronounce the name of the pub Kreetch, cos i havent a foggiest what it says.
Even my cousin is trying to say it lol
Whats a Highland Extreme Kreetch, cos i havent heard of that.?
Anyway ive come here for a Tia Maria so i hope you have got it in, aswell as the coke.
So you are pleased with the toilet then.?
Stuey asked nicely can he have a on the house please.
And i will buy you one back aswell as my self, when i pop in tomorrow ok.
I enjoyed that drink it was delicious, even if it wasnt Tia Maria and Coke, mmmmm what was it called again.?
Ha i know its just come to me Ave Maria, that was it mmmmm
Anyway im off now to see whats happening, and i will come again real soon.
Now dont forget to order the Tia Maria now ok, aswell as the coke.
Catch you later.

xx*NATS*xx

P.S. Let me know that i have the job please.

Well, sure you can be a cleaner, lets see about wages, what do you think of free drinks and grub and a free Seeing from Agnes? Oh, and I'll bung in £45 a week? (In hand, don't want those pesky tax men involved...unless you are looking for something with a pension, in which case check out the Post Office.) (I know, that was an awful plug for getting you to look at the other pages I put up...*dirty great smirk*)

Right, for some reason, I am having a heck of a job with these dratted smileys, so....Tia Maria with coke (ice?) is now right in front of you and a free drink for the plumber of exceptional skill (the loo works fine now, by the way, damn fine job that)


Room 3, Bridal suite with a Four Poster is available. If you want that I'll get the log fire set up for you in a jiffy. Full English with all the trimmings will arrive outside your door, just pull the cord by the bed when you are ready for grub and it will ring a wee bell in the kitchen and someone will pop up the stairs with the food.

A Highland Extreme has the following:- One bowl of porridge (salted or sugered)followed by; two slices of fried bread that had been dipped in egg, two Lorne Sausages (they are flat, rectangular sausage meat...I've never seen them in England...maybe they just get called something different), two fruit pudding slices, two fried eggs, three slices of crispy bacon, two sausages, two slices of haggis, two tattie scones, beans/peeled plum tomatoes/cut up tomatoe optional, pot of tea/coffee then the antacid of your choice; Zantac, Tagamite, Rennee, gaviscon liquid.

As to how to pronounce the name- Auch as in "Loch" Naw as...um...gnaw Haggis ...yeh...as in...um..."Haggis" Agin as in Ah-gyn...um or again without the "a". Hope that helps.

Hi Kreetch

So i am officially a cleaner, cool you have made my night.
So you dont mind me not doing the toilets then.?
Hope not YUCK lol
Ermm well one thing about the name lol i still cant say it
What am i like hey.?, im nutty as a fruit cake, so my friend Carol says lmao
Have you been in my space Kreetch.?
If you have, what did you think of my poems.?
Im going to go to bed soon ok, so i will say good night, and hope you have pleasant dreams.
Im going to check for postings then im going to bed.
So you take care ok.
xx*NATS*xx
P.S. What time do you want me to come to work, or do you want me to come to work when im ready.
Please let me know cos i sometimes get up late.
Anyway this is not going is it.? lol
Right here i go to my pit, for i need my beauty

xx*NATS*xx

Well, *throws a big key over* just let yourself in when you feel the urge to clean...leave a note by the humungous whisky bottle that you've been in...

Yup, read your work. Nae bad at all! Got another job for you too! I'd like a poem on the virtues of drinking at The Auchnawhaggisagin Arms, I'll pop it onto me main page under a heading of "Why a Punter Should Drink In Here; Regular Punters Thoughts and Prose" If yer up fer it, ofcourse? (I done a smiley! I done a smiley!!!) If you are, cool. I got a run of shifts in me "real" job the next few days, but write a poem and I will be honoured to house it in my humble establishment.

Nighty night and sleep tight

Good Morning Kreetch.

Oh theres nobody around, think i will help meself to an
Well were to start, ah i know the glasses need polishing in the cabinet.
I will do them first, cos they are mucky.
Mmmm let me see, ing heckie flumps the state of the floor.
Right thats it wheres that hoover, la la la la mmmmm i feel like im in heaven la la la la mmmmmm
Right thats the hoovering done, my how time flys by when you are having fun.
Right what next, let me see now.
Oh what have i found here.?
Hey Kreetch ive found a £50 here do you want me to put it in the till, or the jar.?
I will have a go about the poem for you real soon, i promise ok.
Oh i knew there was something i had to tell you Kreetch, talking about Loch well i have the The Loch Lomond Castle on a painting, i dont think its geniune but it is a good painting.
Right dust dust cough couch splutter ing heck the dust cough splutter, when was this last cleaned Kreetch.?
I dont like whiskey so i will leave a note by the Tia Maria, i guess you stocked up on it
Oh well nearly finished just doing the main entrance then i will go.
Oh dear this is even worse, i need soap and water here cos the glass on the door is terrible.
Now thats much better i can see out now.
Oh well leaves note by the Tia Maria, i think i will keep hold of the keys, i hope you have a spare set.
Oh well, job well done even if i say so myself.
Right im off now, so i will come in later ok, to see if theres any damage, and if theres any breakages i will scream lol
Right im definitely going.

xx*NATS*xx

Hi Kreetch

Well i see no one is in, so i will just help my self to an still early in the day for me to start drinking.
Hang on a minute, that wasnt there before, come on own up, whos been here.?
Oh well i will keep it my self, cos i can play a harmonica.
I guess i have missed the cobwebs, so i will do them now.
Wheres my fluffy stick, ah there it is, how did it get behind the bar.?
Someone has been here for definite, come on own up whoever you are.
Oh well ive searched and searched to no success, so i will go now and hope when i get back that there will be people here.
Catch you later pub

xx*NATS*xx

Hi Kreetch

Well i see no one is in, so i will just help my self to an still early in the day for me to start drinking.
Hang on a minute, that wasnt there before, come on own up, whos been here.?
Oh well i will keep it my self, cos i can play a harmonica.
I guess i have missed the cobwebs, so i will do them now.
Wheres my fluffy stick, ah there it is, how did it get behind the bar.?
Someone has been here for definite, come on own up whoever you are.
Oh well ive searched and searched to no success, so i will go now and hope when i get back that there will be people here.
Catch you later pub

xx*NATS*xx

Hi Kreetch

I dont know whats going on here at all, where is everyone.
And all that cleaning i done aswell.
Im going to now
Oh well at least i found that £50 and the Harmonica.
Well i had better go then, cos theres nobody here
Catch you later

xx*NATS*xx

Hi Kreetch

I am not impressed lol
I do all that hard work and nobody came at all.

Oh by the way i am still trying to that poem for you
I might aswell go for now, and i will pop back in later.
There better be some one here when i get back, otherwise there will be trouble lol
Catch you later

xx*NATS*xx

*Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm...Squeeech. Hopping off motorcycle, wiping visor free of midgies*

Ahhh, me pub. I think...yip, defo me pub, Nats musta have been round. Its...cleaner. Much...cleaner...

*Eyes the shimmering shimmer of cleaniness nodding in appreciation*

Right, ah...good, she got that £50, I'll bung another by the Whisky...no, I wont, note says Tia Maria, okay dokay. She found a Harmonica eh? Cool, I'll see if she'll do the Thursday night spot. Oh goody! Looks like I'll be getting a pub poem I'm so chuffed I think I'll raise her wages! There, another £20 on top of the £50.

*Tum te tum de dum te tum, busily changes barrels and other pub like chores*

There, open for business for a couple of hours before I got to go back to Lothian. Dratted real life. I wonder if that ghost has been moving things...

Hi Kreetch

All is well then?
I thank you for raising my wages, it was very thoughtful of you.
What shall we do with the £50 then Kreetch?
Oh i know we can put it in the charity jar for the blind, what do you think?
There is already £120.00 in it, cant be bad can it?
Once theres £300.00 in it, i will take it to the bank and get a cheque for it, what do you think.
What kind of bike have you got Kreetch, is it brand new.
My cousin has got a hairdryer lol, in other words a scooter
Im still working on the poem Kreetch, its a hard one i can tell you lol
Hey but i will get there ok.
So you want me play the Harmonica on Thursday then?
Not a problem then, i will be obliged to play it, but the customers have got to sing to the music.
I can play the old songs, likes It's a long way to Tipperary, Softly Softly, Little things mean a lot, and The white Cliffs of Dover.
Talking about Ghosts, it scared the living day light out of me yesterday, cos it kept on picking up the whiskey jar, and do you know something that was strange?, well the contents in the bottle was disappearing.
I have had a spiritualist in to cleanse the place, lets see if that works hey.
Im going now to get a bit to eat, i think i deserve it.
What do you think lol
Catch you later
Oh hang on i forgot to tell you, there was a note under the door.
The note said, that who ever owns this pub must be rich.
It even said that he will come back to see about a job.
Well what do you think?
We need a cellar man, it will save your back getting sore, and he is younger than us, and also muscly mmmmmm i like men with muscles lol
Anyway must dash, cos ive my cousins mum down to dinner tonight.
Catch you later
Oh be careful you dont fall of your bike, cos one of these days you are going to, the way you speed
Stuey has orderd more new toilets and urinals aswell as new sinks.
Free of charge aswell, mmm cant be bad can it?
Anyway i must >>>> so i will catch you later

xx*NATS*xx

A cellar man? We cannae keep a guy down the cellar! What would the Environmental Health say!! Tell him I'll interview him, but he must definatley must not spend more than the legal hours in the cellar. How the heck is he gonna get a tan? If he's any good, maybe he can do the bar. The Aussie says he's gotta head back for the new term of college. Damn fly by nights.

Oh, by the by, purdy means pretty, heard it in an old western..."Tha's a mighty purdy lil ol mine ya got there..." or something along those lines. Or was it Joanna Lumley in the New Avengers....

Anyhoo, When the money gets to £300 a cheque will be fine, but mind and tell the blind that its the Mountain rescues turn after.

I'm thinking of promoting you to Head Bar running person as my shifts in Lothian are coming in thick and fast. It'll be another £150 a week plus tips (on top of the £50 per week for the cleaning and the £20 for the harmonica playing), free grub and beer, and you can have yer own room (okay, its an over sized broom cupboard, but get those guys in from Changing Rooms to fix it up, just mind and plug the pub on the telly).

The Ghost is still here, but maybe it'll pull in some more punters.

Tell Stuey I seen that catalogue lying around and I think that the cistern with the little angels peeing motif is...um...unusual, its just it was circled...if thats whats he's putting in free of charge I certainly ain't complaining, it's just I kinda like the ones with the kilted dolphins...

Yeh, that £50 I left out for ya, I didnae have anything smaller, so I raised the agreed wage by a fiver.

I gotta hop on the old Triumph and get back to the real world for a bit (work)I don't go that fast, its just the way the exhaust sounds...bean can job...

See ya when I get back

Hi Kreetch

I havent laughed at a thread like this before lol
Screeeeeetchhhhhhh van door opening, Stuey gets out, slams door and pops his head round the door of the pub.
Locks all the doors except front, Nats goes and helps carry a surprise in,, Stuey dissappears into the ladies, comes out grinning after a half hour, and goes back to the van,and comes in with a object covered with tarp, gives Natty a wink, then dissappears back into the Ladies.
Suddenly there is a lot of banging, and shouting next screaming and runningout of the ladies toilets and he is shouting and shaking.
I try to calm him down, and when he eventually does, i get out of him what was wrong and why was he screaming.
He says the ing ghost has just tryed to hit him with his hammer, the ghost picked the chissel aswell and runs after him, while Stuey is leaving a dreadful smell and a trail of all over the place.
Next the ghost comes through the wall, with hammer and chissel in its hands as stuey passes out lol
Two hours later Stuey comes round and he settles for a couple of mins with a stong
So when hes he finishes the job.
Then he comes out of the Ladies and blind folds Natty, and leads her to the toilets.
Takes off blinfold, and there in front of her was a bronze statue of her boss on his motorbike.
Next to it was a small fountain, shaped into a toilet with water bubbling out of it, as if it had been flushed lol
Natty is shocked at what she sees, and shouts her boss to come and inspect the Ladies toilets.
Stuey says he will come back tomorrow to do the painting, and refit the kitchen cupboards and sinks.
Anyway Kreetch Stuey says goodnight, cos he is absolutely shattered, cos he has done a hard shift lol
I am also going, but i will be back to inspect my work aswell as Stueys.
Catch you later

xx* NATS*xx
P.S Ive got to come back and disguss the cellar mans job

Hi Kreetch.

Oh, nobody is here again, oh well i will have to see what needs cleaning.
Hang about, whats this?
Oh that ghost is back again.
He has only gone and drunk all the whiskey.
Hey Kreetch, we will have to order more whiskey, cos that pesky ghost has gone and drunk it all.
We definitely have to get this ghost sorted out once and for all, cos it's not drinking all your stock of whiskey.
Oh by the way, i have hired the fella for the cellar.
His name is Alan, and he says he doesn't mind hard work.
What do you think?
He is rather muscular and fit with it aswell.
I told him its only part time first, to see what hes like.
He says thats no problem, but i had to see you first.
So what do you think?
Oh well im off to bed cos im knackered, ive been out all night at my ex sis-in-laws getting me hair done.
Catch you later ok.
xx*NATS*xx

Look, I had a seance with that ghost, its apparently the spectre of the landlord here a couple of centuries ago. After a nice chat he has agreed not to go chasing after people with objects that can cause them physical harm. As for the Whiskey...*smirk*...I've got in a large supply of Irn Bru, now heres some phony whiskey labels, bung these on any empty whiskey bottles and fill them bottles up with the irn bru, keep these bottles in that locked cabinet over there, and I think that will solve the dissappearing stock problem...Yeah, I know you are thinking theres no way the ghost will fall for that, which is why I bought this box of Whiskey flavoured additive, (goes in cakes and stuff I believe) just add that too it as well. The medium said that ghosts cannae really get drunk, so it should have a nice placebo effect

Alan seems fine, work out his wages and I'll sign whatever needs signed.

*Looks at hair* So you changed your mind about the Marge Simpson look?

You are doing a damn fine job here. Now mind about the harmonica playing thursday night, unfortunatley I gotta shift in Lothian, but I set up the video camera *points over by the stage* and theres £75 as prize money if you can get the punters to sing along with you, the best singer obviously getting the dosh. The video camera will record it all and we can try and edit it for the advert thats going on the telly.

Tell Stuey I am very sorry about the Ghost giving him a near heart attack. I've arranged a free kilt fitting for him in Glasgow, (with free kilt of course) heres the address of the shop. Its just as we are up in the Highlands, I can get him more busness locally if he shows some leg.


Right, sorry about the intermittant postings, but my shift pattern somtimes doesn't have a pattern and me computer time is curtailed according to what spare time I got *shrugs* I'll probably be able to drop by later tonight aftre work and check on how Alan is doing

Hi Kreetch

I agree with tampering the whiskey, to fool that pesky ghost.
He was a nuisance, he even followed me to the toilets, the cheeky er
Sorry i wasnt much at enternaining the guests on Thursdy night, its that i was under the weather, especially passing out 3 times all together.
But i managed it the best way i could, what do you think.?
I was even suggestion to my Stuey that we hold a party, what do you think of that.?
I could make some s in all sorts of flavours, aswell as cooking s, s, s, even fired s.
We could even give the regulars a free drink, to show how much we are grateful for their hospatilty.
Oh what do you think of Alan then,?
I thought he was brilliant at the job, even Stuey says he was good aswell.
All we want now is a word from you, to let him know that hes got the job full time.
I cant wait to see his face, when you tell him, cos it will be a picture.
We havent yet agreed with a wage yet, but i said we will pay him this week, until we finally settle a wage for him.
Anyway i said £7.50p an hour, and Stuey says £8.00 dead, but what do you think.?
He has only got 6 days to go until he gets paid again, but we will have to cut out his tax, cos we dont like tax men do we.?
About the sing along, well nobody would do it.
What are they all like hey.?
They all said that they couldn't sing, but theres no word such as cant is there.?
At least i still got to play the harmonicha, i was in my element
Oh thanx for complimenting me about my hair do, it was very kind, but i changed my mind about the Marge Simpson look, instead i wanted a Cameron Dias look.
What do you think, do you think it looks or do you think its horrible or
I think that i told you the colour didn't i.?
Well if i havent, the colour is burgundy lol
I look like a chimp monk gone wrong lmao
Stuey says its alright matey, it wasn't your fault about the ghost ing him.
At least it didn't give him a heart attack Phew.
He is looking forward to his Kilt fitting, cos he has always wantd a new kilt, especially with a white sporren.
What are you for, i's not your fault you have to work, well is it.?
So there you go, but wouldn't it be great if this was all true.?
I will have to do another poem on my page, what do you think.?
Anyway since this place is empty, i will shoot off to me bed, cos i am ing knackered.
So i will come back later , and i need to do something.
You will find out soon, what its going to be, but i cant tell you so there.
Just finish my Tia Maria and Coke on ice with a umberella and straw.
I have even washed the glass, and its been put back in the cupboard all nice and dry.
Right then, you take care
Goodmorning (evening) lol

Love xx*NATS*xx

The buggers never sang?! *Shakes head* I'll watch the video later.
So Alan was okay...good. Give him another couple of nights on the bar and if he still handles it okay then he's gotta job. I checked the going rate round here, but I think if I am going to pay him £8 an hour he will have to do the handy man duties as well, did you notice the roof needs a few tiles? Its just most barmen are on a lot less up here and I have to make sure the locals don't get cheesed off and dob himk and me into the taxman, so if he can do odd jobs (not plumbing, thats Stuey's department) then I can justify the wage to anyone that asks. Pesky social politics. I guess he'll need a kilt too.

*Rubbing eyes* I'm going to have to crash into me bed soon as its been a busy day...right, see ya later and I'll check out yer new poem before I goes offline

Um...I just reread your post..you're thinking of doing a new poem or you've already done one...sod it I'll go see for meself