h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ugh. School bites. I'm currently trying to figure out how to appropriately satirize organized religion without going completely 'Life of Brian.' My meager intelligence has been insulted by the Georgia High School Graduation Tests (GHJSUZT) that started today and I'm feeling rather violent. I spent two hours last night writing a grand total of thirty-two pages of creative essays that I doubt I will ever show anyone. I do find that strange, but I don't really mind as no one will ever call me on it. Not much to write as I've got gadzooks of homework to do, so here are some general questions that should be answered, marked with numbers, bullets, letters, or summat.

-Do you eat/like white bread?

-Would you buy bread with the crusts cut off?

-What is the purpose on NONclumping cat litter?

-How would you remove pine sap from your skin?

-How would you go about trying not to kill a teacher that is a religious zealot who believes that everyone not attending her church is going to hell?

-What do you prefer? Ptarmigan, dove, quail, or...duck?

I only eat white bread.

Probably wouldn't buy it with the crusts cut off.

I know nothing about cat litter. My cat is trained to go outdoors.

I'd probably rub it off then and there and wash with soap and water if it still felt sticky later.

Generally the best way to kill a religious zealot is with a sense of humour.

Only having eaten duck I'll have to go for the duck.

Actually thinking about it I don't know what all those Indian and Italian breads count as so maybe I eat some type of bread other than white. I probably eat brown bread in croutons too. Mmm, croutons .

I shall refrain from making comments until everyone else has answered, but I am acknowledging your answers.

Its ok. I mostly eat Helgas.

No. I love crusts, and my hair is straight.

Don't have a cat. Period.

With a pumice stone and warm water.

Tell her that I am a X and that unless she refrains from her bias view I will report her to the department of education.

DUCK! *whoom* whew!

ACKnowledged.

-I like white bread
-I would not buy bread with no crusts
-Don't bother trying not to kill the teacher, just go ahead and buy the cyanide

-I eat it, but brown is usually better.

-NEVER!

-To annoy the hell out of any cat-owner, or any person who doesn't own the cat, but still gets charged with the job of cleaning out the cat-litter. Possibly also that you use up the litter more quickly because you empty the whole thing every time.

-I would probably rip and tear till my skin was all red, and then go on with scratching. If that fails, I would use enormous amounts of soap, and start screaming if it didn't work. Not that it's much of a problem, because my skin is smooth enough to ensure that the pine sap is rather easy to remove.

-Go for sarcasm, and the occasional indirect insult to his or her religion. Then make sure that you do everything you deliver absolutely perfectly so she can't really take her hatred out on you through your grades. If she tries anyway, report her, and WHAM!!!

-Duck!

1) I eat it but prefer brown
2) Naah, crusts are the most interesting part!
3) So it doesn't stick to the box
4) WD40, shifts anything, is non-toxic and reasonably cheap.
5) Give him/her a doctrine on the evils of mass religious hypnotism and advocate personal choice over sheepism. For "Religion is the opium of the masses"
6) Erm...Duck but even that can be sickeningly greasy.

I loathe white bread. It has absolutely no nutritional value, falls apart when you try to make grilled cheese sandwiches, and sticks to the roof of your mouth.

I would like bread made of nothing but crusts.

It's useless and annoying. It turns to clay sludge when it gets wet.

Thanky, ZZ/LM. I, however, would use gasoline.

I would write a biting satire that she assigned making her sound like an exterminist.

Ptarmigan. Have you people no class?