Journal Entries
The Liff & Times of…partII
Posted May 3, 2003
Puppy continues reign of destruction. Am beginning to truly understand how cuteness is a survival mechanism – ONLY reason he has not yet been skinned and used as floor covering.
Day progressed from banal to bizarre. Amazonian-Spanish-photography-teacher had mentioned she had contract for work beginning Saturday morning. Rings at 4pm Friday asking if ok to borrow camera. Am so stunned by question that adopt possum approach and fall into deathly silence. Amazonian-Spanish-photography-teacher takes silence for indecision and becomes loud and panicky. Decide possums don’t have any clue about human relationships and are not very intelligent mammals anyway. Desperately flail about in own mind for different approach to situation at hand. Amazonian-loud-panicky-Spanish-photography-teacher becomes even more desperate and begins to offer cash for use of camera. In sheer fright put her off by saying will think about proposition and ring her back. Manage to get her off phone and fall into chair in state bordering catatonia.
Muster resources and ring love of life for moral support. Not very sensible move as love of life says decision solely mine. Hang up from love of life thoroughly dissatisfied with answer and decide to ring professional photographer friend. Buoyed by professional photographer friend’s answer that Amazonian-loud-panicky-Spanish-photography-teacher is also somewhat insane and not entirely professional (as everyone *knows* professionals carry at least two camera bodies at all times just in case first one goes to pieces at last minute!). Ring Amazonian-loud-panicky-somewhat insane-not entirely professional-Spanish-photography-teacher to tell her of new resolve. Amazonian-loud-panicky-somewhat insane-not entirely professional-Spanish-photography-teacher on phone so line busy. Torn between sheer relief of escape from intimidation and irritation at not being able to enact new-found assertiveness. Go about own business of herding love children and puppy around. Amazonian-loud-panicky-somewhat insane-not entirely professional-Spanish-photography-teacher rings back saying all ok, has fixed problem with camera, doesn’t need mine after all. Feel like I should have been thankful she chose me to borrow camera from, however am not at all thankful. Eternally grateful that Amazonian-loud-panicky-somewhat insane-not entirely professional-Spanish-photography-teacher’s camera was fixed and thus problem averted.
Decide this is cosmic message confirming decision never to go back to photography class.
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Latest reply: May 3, 2003
The Liff & Times of... (with due respect to DNA)
Posted May 2, 2003
Began photography class last night. Confirming suspicion that Karratha is fuelled by a conspiracy of fools. Teacher, large Spanish woman with affected Australian accent – most interesting mix, if somewhat unintelligible. Kept saying “in-matter-of-factly” apropos of nothing in particular, somewhat like a conversational place-holder (equivalent, I suspect, to an “umm” or an “err”). Whole experience quite painful, with linguistic analysis the only happy place to escape to. Made more bizarre by the fact that the STRONG pain relievers for the migraine chose to kick in only after leaving home, rendering the evening somewhat of a fuzzy blur. Do recall dominating class conversation in most hideous and know-all manner. Now convinced can no longer attend class, or show face in public ever again. Think have finally succumbed to the Karratha Conspiracy (of fools). Now part of the problem and not the solution. Have prepared paper bag for public appearances.
Love child #1 currently going through growth spurt (read testosterone levels through the roof). Chooses to display undying love for own mother by continuous, monotonous “why” questions (and no, it isn’t the sign of an enquiring mind when it’s the SAME “why” question repeated 1500 times!), followed by contradiction of every answer. Am beginning to understand and appreciate why some animals eat their young at birth.
Growth spurt responsible for Love child #1’s appetite resembling that of a large rhinoceros (possibly named Desmond?). Begins his morning by inhaling a platter of fruit. Subsequently devours two (that’s TWO) bowls of porridge. Then there’s morning tea. Usually consisting of pancakes. Then a plate of fruit and a sandwich for lunch. Then the love children will have afternoon tea (fruit and popcorn/slice of cake/biscuits). Rounding the day off with dinner (and if offered dessert). Rueing their metamorphosis into teenage hood! Food bills already equivalent of National Debt. Despite food intake, love child #1 maintains figure of emaciated rake! Am horrified at own envy of offspring’s body shape. Love child #2, however, sporting rather attractive potbelly – won’t be so attractive when he’s 20!
Puppy continues to wreak havoc in household. Most interesting and imaginative tussles are between puppy and love child #2 – unsure whose side to take. Torn between concern and rolling on floor, holding stomach with laughter. Creeping concern that really am very bad at parenting thing.
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Latest reply: May 2, 2003
minimeas
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