h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Began photography class last night. Confirming suspicion that Karratha is fuelled by a conspiracy of fools. Teacher, large Spanish woman with affected Australian accent – most interesting mix, if somewhat unintelligible. Kept saying “in-matter-of-factly” apropos of nothing in particular, somewhat like a conversational place-holder (equivalent, I suspect, to an “umm” or an “err”). Whole experience quite painful, with linguistic analysis the only happy place to escape to. Made more bizarre by the fact that the STRONG pain relievers for the migraine chose to kick in only after leaving home, rendering the evening somewhat of a fuzzy blur. Do recall dominating class conversation in most hideous and know-all manner. Now convinced can no longer attend class, or show face in public ever again. Think have finally succumbed to the Karratha Conspiracy (of fools). Now part of the problem and not the solution. Have prepared paper bag for public appearances.

Love child #1 currently going through growth spurt (read testosterone levels through the roof). Chooses to display undying love for own mother by continuous, monotonous “why” questions (and no, it isn’t the sign of an enquiring mind when it’s the SAME “why” question repeated 1500 times!), followed by contradiction of every answer. Am beginning to understand and appreciate why some animals eat their young at birth.

Growth spurt responsible for Love child #1’s appetite resembling that of a large rhinoceros (possibly named Desmond?). Begins his morning by inhaling a platter of fruit. Subsequently devours two (that’s TWO) bowls of porridge. Then there’s morning tea. Usually consisting of pancakes. Then a plate of fruit and a sandwich for lunch. Then the love children will have afternoon tea (fruit and popcorn/slice of cake/biscuits). Rounding the day off with dinner (and if offered dessert). Rueing their metamorphosis into teenage hood! Food bills already equivalent of National Debt. Despite food intake, love child #1 maintains figure of emaciated rake! Am horrified at own envy of offspring’s body shape. Love child #2, however, sporting rather attractive potbelly – won’t be so attractive when he’s 20!

Puppy continues to wreak havoc in household. Most interesting and imaginative tussles are between puppy and love child #2 – unsure whose side to take. Torn between concern and rolling on floor, holding stomach with laughter. Creeping concern that really am very bad at parenting thing.

How can you go wrong, rolling on the floor with laughter?