h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I had to go in for a spot of surgery yesterday, and I'm back at home recovering now with my friend Mr Painkiller.

Looking forward to a couple of weeks off work, which makes it all worthwhile.

Feel free to post any of your favourite medical stories and jokes to cheer me up

We think you should cheer US up. We didn't know you were sick.

We shall now have fun imagining what kind of surgery you have had...

My guess: You've had an eye, ear, and hand fitted with bionic implants. And now you work for MI5, 6, or some number too secret to admit to.

That's North. Icy North. Martinis shaken, not stirred. Beautiful women materialize nearby everywhere you go. That's the life!

Thanks, guys?

Just imagine something painful, Dmitri. The surgeon told me I may never play the sousaphone again.

This is TERRIBLE! And just when you were so close to your Carnegie Hall debut.

The world will never know what it's missed. I was in advanced negotiations for a recording contract for the nine Beethoven symphonies.

The surgeon was sympathetic. 'Have this tuba pills' he said.

surgery sucks.... well. it does if they use the big hoovery sucky thing during it was it really cool surgery? lazers? knifes? scapules? were you awake watching it? - talking to the surgin whilst he's cutting you is just so weird I find - especially if your prone to cracking jokes and fear he/she's gona lose their prescision hand coordination more seriously.... hope your gona be feeling good enough to enjoy the free holiday off work

I once managed to slit my wrist on a sharp piece of metal while unloading my kayak from the top of the truck.

As soon as I saw the thick black blood flowing from the wound I realized that this was not good.

Fortunately there was a helpful stranger there with his young son. When I asked him to drive me to the nearest Emergency Room, he asked me why and I showed him. He not only drove me to the hospital, he waited while I was treated and drove me back to my truck and helped me re-load the kayak so I could drive home.

They ask a lot of embarrassing questions when you arrive at the ER with a slit wrist.

F S

Thanks 2legs.

I thought they were going to anaesthetise me before I went into theatre, but in the end they wheeled me down to the theatre doors, then told me to get up and walk through the doors. As I opened them it was like a film set - all these guys in scrubs adjusting all the equipment with flashing lights and plastic tubesarranged around the edge. They all turned to look at me, which was disconcerting. I lay on the couch and they anaesthetist then proceeded to ask me a lot of questions that he'd asked me approximately 2 minutes before. No I don't have dentures/piercing/pacemakers. It was interesting feeling the anaesthetic go in. A cold rush came up my arm, and when it got to my elbow I was out like a light - to wake up with a jolt a couple of hours later minus some bits of anatomy and plus stitches. It all seems to be holding together for now. I fully intend to enjoy the time off work, but I can't really travel around yet.

Did they draw on you with a crayon? That part always amuses me.

Good to hear about your helpful stranger, FS. Hope it all healed ok.

The worst part was the drive home. I had a 'four on the floor' manual transmission and it was my shifting arm. All the way home I kept saying 'Please Lord let me get home before the anesthesia wears off''. I did and the only reminder I have is a scar about 2 inches long.

F S

Great to hear that someone's at home for a while and will be posting more on hootoo! If you get fed up of trawling through and reviving old threads and starting lots of scintillating new ones (which it is our duty to do in such periods of convalescence ) you can have a rest going through these two:

F16034?thread=76493

F107265?thread=1862098

Cool old Guy rereading the threads
"
Well that should indeed keep you busy for a good while.

Hope the scar does not scare too much, or many I am never sure with those."

While I was recovering from surgery to remove a benign tumor from the base of my skull I had two balloons in my nostrils and an understandably splitting headache. I was restricted to bed at a certain angle as they tracked the spinal fluid draining from me. This caused me to begin having congestion in my lungs and trouble breathing. My mother, a retired R.N. alerted the nurse on duty. Note, sometimes the staff on duty on weekend graveyard shifts aren't the most competent. So at my mother's urging she brought in an incentive spirometer. That's that thing that looks a bit like a Habitrail with a ping pong ball in it that you breath through to lift the ball. This nurse hands it to me and tells me to blow into tube and keep the ball above the line for 10 seconds. I try but the ball doesn't rise and my head explodes in pain. My mother stops me and explains that I'm supposed to inhale not exhale. It literally was like I was blowing my brains out.

My mother took the nurse out to the hall and had some words with her. It wasn't long before she was replaced by a nice young man for whom English was his native language. The first nurse had also left me with no pain meds all evening


Anyway, the lesson is that an incentive spirometer has a one way valve and you shouldn't attempt to blow into it with balloons up your nose and a hole in your head.

I had one of those things once. I never knew what they were called. (I'm kind of glad: the word 'incentive' would probably have made me mad.)

Incentive is one of those words which have lost their original meanings. It literally means to strike up a tune (canere is Latin for 'to sing')

I didn't realize it was two words for the longest time. When I would try to tell this story I would struggle trying to remember what it was called. "Aspirotherometer? Ansilospirometer? Aspitharnathanaraxirometer?... that thingy with the ping pong ball in the tube, you know... "