h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My Dear (certainly) and Esteemed (probably) Reverend Armchair,

First, you simply must let me apologise for not having the slightest idea who you are. That, and not really being quite sure why I'm writing this either.

What happened, you see, is that Pinniped suddenly became extremely self-important. Yes, I know he is, but even more so. Let me go back a step. It all started when he instructed me to alter the screensaver message to "The Mighty Pin".

I'm afraid I did something extremely foolish, and asked him why. He then attempted to recount the story of your upbringing, in a very grandiose manner but for little apparent reason. The only part of it that made any sense at all, I'm afraid, was the bit about steaming tramps, which took me right back to my own happy second childhood in the Colne Valley.

Still, I digress. Pinniped is now convinced that he is "appreciated by genius". Over the course of the last few hours, he has progressed from commissioning a "Mighty Pin" T-shirt to ordering the construction of an airship bearing the same legend, one that he apparently fully intends to fly over the Pier.

The parlous state of our funds (so the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine incessantly tells me) makes it imperative that we nip these flights of phocoid phantasy in the proverbial whatsit good and early, so to speak. The SYWM's mission, therefore, is to restore Pinniped to his normal state of abject and reclusive pessimism, expressly and solely for the sake of the Pier finances, you understand.

So, to cut a story of medium length into one that demands no more than a modest resort to the scroll-bar, the SYWM has instructed me to write to you requesting that you advise our currently-overstimulated employer that it was all an unfortunate mistake, and that you accidently confused him with someone else, and that he should immediately revert to being a complete non-entity.

I thought that this was a little cruel at first, only the SYWM pointed out that Pinniped has also taken to sucking lollipops, which does frankly look rather ridiculous and could easy lead to further profligacy in respect of otherwise-unnecessary whisker-hygiene products.

With a heavy heart, therefore, I've acceded to the SYWM's request, at least I think I have, and written this, which almost certainly mentions what I think I'm probably supposed to say somewhere along the way. Quite possibly.

Yours, not really knowing why I do this sort of thing,

Alberta Coleridge (Ms)

Alberta,

Thank you for your letter which I received by carrier pigeon this morning.

The Speak-Your-Weight-Machine is being too kind, I think. I suggest that the best way to deflate the dirigible of Pinniped's ego is to let him know that while he is certainly appreciated, it is not by a genius.

I think you should go ahead with the screen saver and the T-shirts though. 'The Mighty Pin' is the phrase that immediately came to my mind when addressing him in the other thread. And it did so, I think, for two main reasons.

First: Pinniped is the force behind that vast superstructure of the imagination - the Pier, and all of its attendant facilities. He is Ozymandias turned upside down. Who could not look on that work and fail to find delight?

Second: Pinniped is a both an innovator and an inspiration. I was around when he first appeared -(but don't tell anyone - I never usually talk about this at all and I only do it now out because I want Pinniped to know it)- and I remember thinking: "Yes - it is possible to just sign up and create something great here". And that thought is the beginnings of Dr Funderlik as he appears today. (Hmmm - not sure if Pinniped really would be wise to accept responsibility for that one though ... )

I want to talk more but have to head of to RL for some time. Will check back later.

Ahem...

This is indeed a disturbing development.

It's something of a relief that Pinniped is far too busy being lynched elsewhere to have noticed this conversation.

May I also say how much I appreciate your kind intimation that the Pier is imaginary, but we all gave up trying to persuade ourselves of that some time ago.

Do go on, though. After all, if you don't, the damned albatross will.

Yours, etc.
SYWM

Ah, well it was Pinniped's lynching that I wanted to get on to next, actually.

I have been following, with interest, his efforts to free up the edited guide from the strictures of the current guidelines for edited entries.

I am, in general, very sympathetic to his point of view, but there are so many cross-currents and issues on this thing that I find it hard to get my head around it. So, if I may, I will try and break it all down into chunks..

I take it that, at its most basic, the position is this: Relax the current guidelines - they stifle creative input. At another level: Allow fiction into the edited guide. At yet another level: Allow stories into the EG. And at yet another: Allow the use of first person narratives in the EG.

I agree with all of the above in principle. Here's why: I think that, as it stands, many entries in the edited guide are just plain boring. They are like listening to a car mechanic intoning how a Ford Escort takes corners in a dull monotone voice. Yes, you might learn something from it, but who'se going to hang around enough to bother?

I suspect that there are two main forces driving this state of affairs:

First, there's the utility esthetic that prevails here - 'Make it useful', they say, 'unnecessary embellishment is a sin against utility'.

Second, there's the fact that the BBC pays only a handful of people to run things around here, and these people already have a lot to do. Hence, anything that sounds like more work is going to instinctively get the thumbs down, unless it really really might help the site as a whole. And I imagine 'relax the guidelines' translates into 'loads more work' for many reasons.

How to fight this? I can think of two main ways..

First, from within. This means joining volunteer schemes and sneaking entries in past the gatekeepers. The conservative part of me says that restrictions are a boon to creativity. The challenge is to work within them and thereby make stuff that surprises everyone. Changes might follow. It is slow and perhaps futile - but it *is* something.

Second - convince people with vision. Try and fathom what those running the guide want for it ideally. Then write your sales pitch accordingly. Heres my two cents:

I suspect, currently, there is a drive to get the EG filled - to make it a proper working encyclopedia. Which is ok, but we already have Google for that. If I want flatpack information, that's my first port of call. So the 'make it useful' esthetic is ultimately doomed in my view. What's needed is something more than what Google gives.. and what might that be? Bingo - quality of writing. Make *that* the focus of your guidelines and you might be on to something.

A final thing - in your Velvet Gauntlet thread, Sam posted something about stories, stating (I'm relying on a very fallible memory here) something like, 'stories are too limited and subjective, but anyway we've let some in to the guide before because they were good'. It all sounded a bit confused to me until I thought:

OK Stories, fiction, first person accounts - of course they are subjective by definition. So why are some of the 'good'? And my answer to that is that the good ones transcend their subjectivity and speak to us all on a universal level. They are gripping to read - all good stories are - and at the same time they have something to teach us all. So they *are* objective in that sense.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. I hope you get my intention here. Your cause has been making me think a lot, and I want to get the more general stuff down and posted because I agree in principle with your (sorry - Pinniped's) aims.

* screws up draft of Entry on the Mk1 Escort *

Actually, what you wrote contains some of the most reasoned and considered points yet made on this subject.

Part of me thinks that's a pity, since you're not supposed to do reasoned and considered. You're supposed to do unquenchable fruitcake. No matter.

You're also the first person to know what I meant by Stories. I'm interested to see what happens with my currently-pending Guide Entry (on the Batavia Mutiny). It's just come back from the sub-editor unmolested, but there are many aspects of it that break rules. If it goes in as-is, I'll start to believe we're achieving something.

'Utility aesthetic' is an intriguing idea. A bit different from the 'Journalism aesthetic' I'd imagined, and which the Beeb is certainly liable to inculcate. There is such a thing as great Journalism, but of all the forms of writing it's surely the most corruptible. And good journalistic editors use a lot of red pen, and say "No! Boring..." a lot. Like ours don't.

The point about the Italics being driven by administrative convenience is persuasive but depressing. Formulaic editing is about the most pointless thing I can think of, a complete confusion of ends and means. The (now disappeared) VG-Space had it right, second time. Editors are indeed midwives. (Actually, I've just thought of a parody. Hee-hee! Start on that in a minute!)

Do you think I should volunteer, then? I've certainly thought about it. But I'm not interested in social work, in praising the mediocre and promoting inclusiveness. If this place is worth anything, it's as a writer's training-ground. Volunteers must be teachers. My two reservations are then my own fitness to teach and (most of all) the recptiveness of the Community to the type of criticism people need to accept and act on in order to improve.

'Restrictions are a boon to creativity'. In a way, yes, and an encouraging thought in the climate. But I fear it's only true for the really gifted, or for the really unimaginative. The vast majority here are in between, and it's maximising their contribution that will do most for the site and the Community.

...and that's the last time I intend to be serious in this thread, OK?

Pin

Plato once said (and I paraphrase) - 'there is a thin line between the witty man and the buffoon'. Which I take to mean: You can't be an unquenchable fruitcake all the time, since no one will take you seriously anymore. Thus, if I may remain in semi-serious mode for a moment (Battenburg mode? Swiss Roll?), I have some news for you, re: Batavia.

The news is: You're getting a picture for it, and I'm the one that's doing it. That means that it is highly likely that you are going to hit the front page with this one. We are talking 'editors choice' here. They like it, and they like it enough to put it up top. My congratulations. (If I were to guess - and guessing is all I can do here - I would imagine that this means it will get through without much alteration)

But, one caveat - I only know this stuff because Batavia came up as an option in one of the batches for us community artists to choose to illustrate and I chose it. I've read the piece and commented as a scout, so I'm well placed to have a crack at it. And, basically, we do the illustrations for the front page. So my news is inferential - I don't have a hot line to the editors or anything. Its just that, in my short time as CA, I've never yet seen something we did an illustration for fail to turn up on the front page as editors choice. Also: don't go shouting about it yet. You 'aint seen me, right?

Anyway, I tell you all this because I'm open to any suggestions you may have for the illustration. And we're allowed to ask if we feel the need too. I recommend it features the ship. If you want to leave the rest to me, that's fine. If you have any strong feelings about it, thats fine too.

Become a scout if you want. The best part about it is that you get to read stuff, and then tell the author the bits you think might improve it. If only we could do that with films. And you get to choose stuff to go in the guide too - so you could try and bring in more story orientated stuff.

Glad you liked the serious points I made above. Feel free to let Pinniped rip them off at will, if he's still up to the fight. Ok, back to unquenchable fruitcake mode.

*whistles*

Chickens as yet uncounted.
But I'm really pleased it's you doing the picture
Not an easy one, though.
If you Google/Images on "batavia abrolhos" you'll get some useful stuff, including photos of the reconstructed ship.
There are pictures of the Freemantle museum gallery here :
www.mm.wa.gov.au/Museum/ disp/batgal.html
The other images I thought about were the lengthened shadow of a hanged man, or possibly a heap of dead seagulls. But maybe the ship is best. It should either be at sea, in full sail, or broken and on her side on the reef.

I'll think about Scouting. Like I said, though, I'm no diplomat. Anyone can pick out the good ones and nominate them. The useful contribution is to help people to improve as writers, and then it's a case of cruel to be kind, yeah?

OK. Now back to the fruitcake.
Pin

Well, it is up there on the front page today
Hope you like the image!

Congratulations