h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Monday

No car. Consider slitting throat, then realise it would not even be a tiny bit attractive on the pale sage carpet and doubt if the offsprung could afford the carpet-cleaning bill.

Walk to village...Perhaps I should train for next year's Marathon? Walking isn't really that difficult.

What happens if I go a bit faster?

Dear god, everything wobbles. That is quite unnatural! I could break an ankle in these boots, both ankles even.

Meet Chloe for lunch.

'They're going to make me redundant!' She wails.
Quite good at wailing is Chloe.
It's probably because she's tall.
Wailing somehow looks more elegant when you're tall.

Tears coursing down impeccable cheekbones and slowly but gracefully, forming pools of woe on the restaurant's marble tiled floor.
Unlike what happens to the vertically challenged who end up drowning in a lake of wet salt with a face that screams 'contagious! Unclean!'

Still if they're going to make her redundant I'll have some company on the Job centre run.

'Oh excellent! We could do the job centre game together, perhaps you can give me a lift.'

Wrong response. Try again.

'Oh no, that's dreadful! How dare they! They'll never cope without you!'

(I think they might actually but I won't go there).

'What am I going to do? I'll never get another job.'

'With legs like yours of course you will! Stick with me, kiddo. I'm an experienced hand in the unemployment game. In fact I think I should be fully qualified by now, do they give you a degree or something? That would be nice a BA in unemployable.'

She is too depressed to respond.

Walk home. Wonder how long it will be before the boots need re heeling?

Tuesday
Car still not better.
Toy with idea of buying bicycle.
Realise that a) cannot afford it, b) not very good at riding them even when young and c) suspect everything will wobble more than it does when attempting to trot.
Walk to village. I am sure there is a hole developing on the sole of my left boot. Perhaps I should pad it with a bit of the Guardian? Isn't that what you do? Didn't Charlie Chaplin do that in one of his movies? At least the classified section would serve a useful purpose. Not one reply to my media job applications. OK perhaps I'm just a tiny bit under qualified for controller of channel four, but only a tiny bit surely?
Have lunch with Malcolm and Amanda
Apologies accepted.
Walk home.
Have dinner with Patrick
Slightly more histrionic apology also accepted.


Wednesday

Watch 'Trisha'.
Oh my god I have to get a day job! Daytime television is a fast track to suicide.
Mow lawn, weed garden. Lunch with Dimitri. Phone garage. Hurrah! Car will be ready tomorrow! Seriously pleased with that; public transport was almost becoming appealing.
Download employment agency addresses from Internet. Revise CV. Call friend in town. Arrange lunch.

Thursday
Collect car. Hit town. Do agencies. OK why is life never simple?
Have printed off a million copies of my CV and do they want that? No, they want me to email it. Oh, and can they take me on their books now? No. Why? Because they have to assess me, not sure I like the sound of that.

'Why don't you apply for a teaching job oversees?'
My lunch date and erstwhile comrade in Tesol arms enquires?

'I can't afford to. It doesn't pay enough to keep the house and allow me to live in Delhi or Dubai! Besides you're a fine one to talk! How many jobs have you applied for exactly, Miss 'I'm definitely giving up my job and starting a new life'?'

She has the good grace to look suitably chastened.

'It's complicated.'

'It's a man.'

'Well...'

'It's a man.'

'It might be.'

'You've just lost the whole plot you do know that? A quick glimpse into your future. One marriage, 2.4 children, an A-Z of stretch marks and in thirty years you'll be wondering 'Would I have made a good teacher?' and 'What would life in China have been like?'

'Don't you dare start lecturing me! Why on earth did you go on the course if you're not even going to attempt to use it?'

Now there's an interesting question. Why did I do a course that turned out to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, cost me a fortune and deprived me of sleep or sanity for 28 days? A course that I may never even use because teaching is not even a passion.
Good grief even mid menopause, I am forever obedient.

'Because my daughter told me to! Now can we please change the subject and organise our next reunion!'

Friday
A day's work at last.
Well this is nice. Lovely day, good view, a flowering tamarisk across the road if I'm not mistaken, and lots of beautiful cars. Yes I think I can do the answering the phone game here for the afternoon.
What sort of cars? Well how on earth should I know? Shiny cars that start first time and have four wheels and all their hubcaps on. Oh and there's a yummy one with no lid. I suppose it must have a lid somewhere but it's not wearing it at the moment. The seats are all white, my sort of living room but what do you do when it rains I wonder? Not a bad price either £7395, oh dear I missed a 9, £73995! Good God! You could buy a third world country for that. OK maybe only a small one but at least it might be hot.
Smart showroom, dark green deep buttoned leather chairs and Chesterfields, interior houseplants in shiny aluminium planters. To my left a flower arrangement of the 'if it's dried it's died' variety. Not bad, just dead looking. Oh and a glass cabinet with stuffed animals and toys. Why on earth would anyone want stuffed animals when they buy a car?
Still nice background music and a telly.

Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrr

Good heavens! I suppose I have to answer that. I wonder what all the buttons do.

'Hello, can I help you? You want to speak to Mr Brown? Splendid, do you have any idea which department he's in?
Of course you do. Well that's jolly handy perhaps you could tell me, I'm sure that will be quicker than my trying to find his name on the list. No I'm not the usual receptionist, I'm the temp, you'd never have guessed? Well that's nice but between you and me I am absolutely stuffing useless. Look I'll try and put you through but there's every chance you'll end up in a call centre in Delhi. Oh gosh I forgot to ask for your name. Mario, that's nice. Do you have a second name, Mario? Oh he'll know whom you are will he? The Chairman… Right, gosh, can I apologise in advance for your re-routing via Delhi.'

Somehow I think this might be my first and last day.

Monday

Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrr


'Hello. Oh hi, Sam, you've got some work for me? The garage wants me back? They can't want me back. I sent every call round the world three times. I was rude to everybody including the Chairman. I told the old boy who was looking at the car with a lid off that he was far too old to have a car like that as it was strictly a pulling machine…He bought it? He didn't? The dirty b*****d! The Chairman thinks I'm entertainment value? '

Dear God I really do need a proper day job.

Have they got an opening for me at the car showroom? We could do a double act, I could nicely stuff up their computer network and creatively wipe out their accounts system whilst still looking well groomed!

It's quite fun when the expectations are nil but once you'd stuffed up the accounts the entertainment factor would diminish!
It seems I am amazingly employable as a useless temp. Unfortunately rates won't allow it to become day job, which is a bit of a shame as no emotional investment is required!
Take care
boots

The marathon idea is interesting. I've always wanted to be a runner. But it's just too comlplicated. Special shoes, routes, pedometers, water bottles, achy muscles, heart attacks. I'll just stay in my garden.

Hi Hypatia
Did the race for life walk last year and have signed up for the 26 m ile one for next year. It's actually not too bad as long as you keep to walking, and have groups of friends strategically placed along the route with picnic hampers and chilled wine! By the time you pass the 10 mile marker you don't feel a thing Feet are a bit battered the following day mind!

Well, that answers that question then. Not going to do the tefl thing? Not? Have you any idea how soul destroying that is? Still...

Hi Solnushka
No alas finances don't allow the luxury at the moment. Also don't think I will be brilliant in an academic environment, timetables etc.
Now if it really were a mud hut in the middle of the jungle with a stick in the sand...I'd be there! The reality is a city and an institution. So will, for the time being, settle for day job that affords banking and then take time out to do something on a project somewhere hot and filled with mud huts and sticks in sand!
take care
boots

No, I know, I'm only being flip really. You gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck with it though

You might bump into No1 son, boots! He is planning to do a postgrad teacher training course next year and soon as he can, head off to sun and mud huts!