Journal Entries
More from me soon!
Posted May 12, 2005
Hello, all of you who visit me here on my site. I am selecting cronicles, or stories (I myself do not know yet how to call them), in short, things I have written over the years about things I have seen and lived through over the years, to copy here to amuse you all. Maybe, by glimpsing how life can be so different from you own, you can even appreciate more what you have on the other side of this beautiful planet Earth.Maybe I can make you smile, maybe I can make you cry or shake your head.... Soon, I promise! May 11. 2005
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Latest reply: May 12, 2005
Old Poems
Posted Mar 17, 2005
Here are some poetic efforts of mine. These are the only ones I have in English, all the others are either in Portuguese or German. So her goes:
Dez. 1979
Lonely nights
Memories of precious embraces
fading in the mist of time,
sweet words of love spoken softly
traveling backwards through space,
gestures and sounds once familiar
slowly losing meaning and reality
a once constant presence dead!
leaving nothing except lifeless photographs
and longings
and a voice on a tape
and tears
in endless lonely nights.
Dez. 1979
How many lonely people
there must be in this town!
Staring at empty ceilings,
weeping into pillows of down;
waiting for the phone to ring,
hoping for someone to care,
longing for a loving voice
to take away the emptiness,
the despair ...
If all the lonely people got together
wouldn’t it half the number of the lost?
couldn’t bleak, meaningless existence
turn into joy, into peace for most?
August 1980
Love is never easy
love always hurts
at its most supreme moments
and in its most unfulfilled despair.
Septembr 1980
I don’t want you
to stay forever,
just long enough to take your time,
time to know my soul,
time to know my body,
time to let me know you,
explore you and find
time for us – to love.
1974
Oh, that I could be loved again
and be held close to his heart –
to feel my flesh against his flesh
to be one – even if it does not last.
To delight in the sun,
in the moon and the stars,
to feel the wind in my hair,
to feel his eyes on me
and his lips on mine
and to be close – and beloved
and I shall ask no more!
Oktober 1981
Alone
Driving alone,
soft music in bars,
happy people,
cars traveling at speed,
lights, laughing faces
of couples – couples everywhere.
Lines outside of motels.
phones ringing,
hot rhythms,
dancing feet
of couples – couples everwhere.
Kissing at traffic sings,
blaring radios,
loving eyes
of couples – couples everywhere
on Friday nights.
May 1982
For Peter
Your voice sounds lost
over the telephone line,
like a sigh drifting
up to the clouds,
like a frayed band of mist
pulled across the sky;
like a feather blowing
on the wind ...
ethereal, lost and lonely;
and I do not want
to give it substance,
I love it the way it is.
May 1982
Illusion
We feed ourselves
on illusions,
we see only what we
want to see
and when we glimpse
reality through the
selfmade mist
it nearly destroys us.
Discuss this Journal entry [10]
Latest reply: Mar 17, 2005
heartache
Posted Oct 5, 2003
Hi universal granny, so kind of you to be interested and anybody else, of course, is welcome to give their opinion. I need that!
O.K., my situation. I am asking for opinions and advice, mainly to know if I am the fool I think I am or crazy, or masochistic or what because I have to get on with my live and right now I feel it is not worth a lot. I feel small and ugly and lost.
For 20 years I am living with a guy who is the kind that says he loves me, but does not show it much. I am a widow, and all I ever wanted was to continue being happily married. Ten years ago my daughter married, had a child and became a window, all within a few months. My man considers the child to be his child and is being a father to him.
I met this man when he was down and out and loveless. He said he loved me. We had some good years, he robbed me of some material things, he cheated me in business, he used me, but he said he loved me and I believed him. I needed very much to believe in love and feel loved. About ten years ago I helped him find a good stable job and now he is the one on top. He earns the money, he owns the car and he pays for most of the bills.
He has always wanted to keep part of his life a mystery. He wanted to keep on having the freedom of a bachelor while enjoying the conveniences of marriage, having his cake while also destroying it. I am almost sure he did not have other women, he just liked to go out with the boys some nights and have some beers, but he never called me, he just came home late which took a lot out of me.
He never demonstrated much tenderness, or consideration; he considered these things unnecessary between two adult persons who loved each other, like the stupid sentence of never having to say sorry. He is undersexed, when my first husband was oversexed, so that in itself is already a problem for me, thinking the more he needs me, the more he loves me. (Are all women like this, for God’s sake?) He never reacted well to my advances. HE likes to decide when. Of course, it was not always that I had pleasure in bed with him; his attitude killed that. His lovemaking was monotonous too and he ran from any romance I tried to bring into it.
One day I refused him sex without preliminaries, explained that sex was the climax of a good relationship and that I saw no motivation or pleasure in sex twice a month with nothing in between. He said he’d never ask me again.
There followed some six years of hate. Both of us have felt loveless; we said ugly things to each other. I stopped sleeping in the same room. He started having sex twice a month with somebody else and that was O.K. with me.
I started searching, in meditation, in studies of all kinds of ways to live and ended up in a church where I studied the Bible and where I think I found God. Prayers and believing saved my life. “Unless the Lord had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence” Psalm 94.17.
During those 20 years I must have proposed peace and better understanding, a new beginning and also sending him away, begging him to go because he was destroying me, a number of times. He always refused to go, he loved me, and we were his family and so on. Once he went away, but came back after a few days crying, begging to stay and I agreed. We had some good months, but it always ended up badly again.
Last month I felt especially alone, abandoned and in need of love. May the proximity of Mars, God knows why. I offered peace once again. We had a talk in May; he agreed to start over. We made love a few times, it was reasonable, but he did not come looking for me and I soon found out, he was still seeing the other woman. (There are ways to find out I will not state here)
I called another meeting, on the 23 last month. He said he would never call me again because he would never want to hear a no from me any more. Since I have had some "no" from him too, I said we did not have the slightest chance then, because I had frozen too after his nos. Well, talk, talk, talk, he admitted (because he was not sure if I knew, and I knew) that he’d talked to the other one on the phone the day before, but only to tell her go stop bothering him, she was nothing to him, but he was alive and he did not want to give up sex yet. A week later I found out that he’d gone to a motel with her that day, must have used some penetrating arguments, ha, ha). Once again he was beginning with lies, which hurts. And now I also know that he also phoned her on the day after our talk, though I will only know if he went to a motel that day too or not next month. But, of course, the uncertainty is killing me.
We had a second talk last Saturday (when I did not yet know he had been out with her again after our first talk, nor that he’d phoned her or I would not have had this talk). We drove out to a distant beach, walked through an open market, he bought me a string of beads to hang around my neck, we made a pact, he agreed to all I proposed, honesty, truth, loyalty, non-aggression, not feeling attacked, etc. etc. and we drove to a motel to make love. The motels here are terrific since most people do not have a flat they can take their lovers to. They are equipped with lights, mirrors, music, etc. to stimulate sex. The accessible price is for three hours and they are always packed, but private, nobody sees you ever.
We had great sex. I’ve never had sex like this with this man before. I did not know I could be so athletic still. He used foreplay that really turned me on and I even praised the women he’d had who must have taught him. We talked at ease; we touched, hugged, and loved each other. Afterwards we went to eat Chinese, still touching hands. Oh, it was wonderful. After this sex once in the morning because I caught him before he left for work
I have the first name of the last woman he had, I have her cellular phone number, he was quite surprised to hear I knew all about her, but he does not know how I did it. I’ll have to wait out the month until I know if he continued with her this month and it is making me crazy. I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what is happening to me to feel this way. I feel like going crazy, I feel like crying, I feel like attacking him. Is this senility or Stockholm syndrome or hurt pride? I was certainly better off when we hated each other than now when I at first believed he wanted the same things I do, after all he is not getting any younger either. He has had health problems, I dragged him to the doctor and he got his scare all right. Sometimes I wish I had left the situation, as it was, cold and distant. Hate did not hurt as much as I hurt now, being vulnerable and having bared my soul to him. I never needed to feel this way when younger (and stronger to deal with it), now it is ridiculous and I feel a fool.
So, what do you, experienced women, tell me? What is your opinion? Am I crazy or is he? What do I do now? And if any man reads this, can he please help in explaining the masculine side of it? Because I don’t understand anything any more. Not myself, not the man, nor the world. All I want is love and peace and harmony, probably the three most impossible things to long for. Please HELP!
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Latest reply: Oct 5, 2003
working
Posted Jun 7, 2003
Well, I do not have much time for anything else except my translation. So all I can do for now is to look in on h2g2 on the weekends when I refuse to look at the translation.
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Latest reply: Jun 7, 2003
Work, hurrah
Posted Apr 19, 2003
I teach English and German, and translate but this year none of my students has come back. Some are too busy at University, others have changed their working hours and still others don't have the money any more and translations have become very rare indeed.
We are going through yet another circle of prices going up and the money remaining the same. In all my years in this country I have gone through many such circles. Everything here is déjà vu.
Things around us change, houses get torn down, buildings grow up in their places, new slick roads appear suddenly, Shopping Centers seem to spring up like mushrooms, rivers get more polluted, what used to be water has become thick black evil smelling ooze, the ocean has filled with plastic bags but people's lives go through circles.
Circles of money a little easier, enabling us to buy just a little more on what in the 60s was called the never-never plan, of hope creeping up on us - and then money getting shorter again, not letting us buy anything new and giving up hope again. This country used to be known - until a very short time ago - as the land of the future, but the future never came.
Last week I finished my morning prayers/meditations begging for some work and hurrah, an old customer called and wanted me to translate a whole veterinary book. I hadn't done anything for him in a long time. Well, if that is not a prayer answered, I don't know what is.
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Latest reply: Apr 19, 2003
helga danielsen
Researcher U211674
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