h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

He hesitated in the doorway.

"Welcome to the Consortium of Magical Beings," said the Blue Fairy. I haven't seen you before...."

"I'm Alsatius Prendl," he said, "and I'd like to buy magical powers."

"You weren't born with them?" He shook his head. "You could have
bought some from us, you know," she said with a smile.

Alsatius hung his head. "I'm a lowly clerk for the Water Company. No
trust fund, just my meager wage. But I've saved for thirty years..."

"Oh, that's right!" she exclaimed. "The Mayor told me you'd be coming."

Mayor Zilla Godfrey, looking splendid in a white pantsuit, came in with a camera crew. "The last nonmagical resident of Excelsior City will soon have magical powers just likie everyone else," she purred into the microphone as her aides gently led Alsatius before the cameras. "From this day forward, magic will no longer be an advantage, since everyone has it. But Alsatius has nonmagical qualities in abundance: perseverance, honesty, loyalty, kindness,
courage. It gives me great pleasure to present Alsatius with a key to the city."

Alsatius Prendl stared glumly through the bars of his cell as the
lawyer listed the charges against him. "You used your wand to turn the Mayor into a cucumber...."

"It was an accident!" Alsatius blurted out.

The lawyer held up his hand. "People have gotten the death penalty
for less, depending on the jury. The magical powers handed out by
the Consortium are foolproof, Mr. Prendl. Did the Blue Fairy give
you Memory Module number 1, the automatic training course that
gives you an 8-year magic education in just five minutes?"

"I don't think so...." Alsatius stammered.

"Well, what *did* she give you?"

"Well, on the box, it said something about making pickles."

The lawyer grinned. "That would explain the cucumber, wouldn't it..."

Meanwhile, at Consortium headquarters, Mayor Zilla Godfrey was recovering from her ordeal. "The pickling module, Blue Fairy? How could you make such a mistake?"

The Blue Fairy blushed, which made her turn purple. The Mayor hated purple. Heads were about to roll.

It was a dark and stormy night. Voluptia and her family were
eating their supper in silence.

Finally Voluptia spoke: "It bothers me that in this story I'm the only character with a name."

"It's a short short story, Voluptia," said her brother. I'm happy to be just your brother. My girl friend is a hobbit. In the next story, we might have names. I'm cool with that."

"And I'm just your sister," said her sister. "I love a Smurf. The reader can figure out who we are. It's not a big deal!"

"What about me?" exclaimed Magneto. "I have a name."

"The author borrowed you from a comic book and some movies,"
Voluptia retorted. "You aren't going to change one bit between
the story's first and last lines. You might as well be the curtains in the den."

There was a pause in the conversation. Voluptia's mother took advantage of it to announce that, after much discussion, she and Dad had decided to join the Hare Krishnas. There was no time to discuss their reasons, though, because the story was too short for it.

Elvis Presley put down his pen and sighed.

The script was finished despite the long hours he was spending serving hot dogs and hamburgers from the catering van parked in the layby off the A40.

Did he regret, we can wonder, that his name would forever be known to history only as a mere rock and roller?

He picked up his pen again and wrote across the title page, "Anonymous' by John Orloff.

"Welcome to Newsbeat. I'm Lois Footpath, star reporter for the
Everyday Plannet. I'm here in Superduperville, which has many
famous superheroes. What they *don't* have is money for the new
high school they so desperately need. Last week, the City Manager
put an innovative fundraising plan into action: the town's superheroes agreed to give up their superpowers during a telethon which started five days ago. Once the money for the school has been raised, the superheroes get their powers back.. How are they doing so far? Not so good!"

[The camera pans in on a burly man in a hospital bed. Plaster casts
cover an arm and a leg.]

"That looks painful, Stupendousman!"

"It is, Lois."

"Has your accident led you to rethink your ideals?"

"I had an easy life. I could fly anywhere I wanted. I never realized
how hard it is to do simple things like driving a car. That's a hard Truth. Then there's Justice: I will repay the City for the street sign I knocked down."

"How about the American Way?"

"That's what this telethon is for. Long after my aches and pains are gone, those kids will need their school. I'm just sad about Spiderchap over there..."

[The camera pans to the next bed, where a pale man in a spider suit is lying. Bandages cover his forehead]

"....who still hasn't awakened from his coma?"

"What happened to him?"

"He jumped off a building, forgetting he couldn't shoot out those web things to break his fall."

"Well, folks, now it's up to you. Think of all the lives these superheroes have saved, and how much the kids need their school. Please open your hearts and your pocketbooks."

[The cameramen leave, but Lois lingers]

"Was there something else, Lois?"

"Yes. My colleague, Clark Gent, disappeared just before your accident. I hope he's not in trouble."

"Don't worry, Lois. Once I get my powers back, I will search for him. You'll get him back, I promise!"

"And guess who has been elected the president of the Time Lords, myself the thorn to Sheldon Cooper's side, his dreaded nemesis, and once girlfriend of Leonard Dr Leslie Winkle and the Headmistress of The Salem Witches' Institute, Sheldon's mother"; and not forgetting Howard's mother who's going to be the Leader of the Jedi Council."

"Well, Penny at least I am safe from parent's interfering with me as I'll be working on Deep Space Nine".

"That's were you are wrong Raj as they will be working not only at the Deep Space Nine space station in their science and diplomatic positions but will also be working on Bajor with the Bajoran government."

(All the time both Leonard, Sheldon and Howard are looking dumbstruck and are all lost for words.)

"We have just chosen our candidates," Atticus Finch said proudly,
emerging from the smoke-filled room. "The Literary Character Party's
candidates for President and Vice-President will be (drumroll, please!) Hamlet and Sherlock Holmes!"

"Great choices!" Pumblechook exclaimed, applauding wildly.

"Disgraceful!" Lady Bracknell disagreed. "One can't make up his mind, and the other smokes opium and lives with another man."

Billy Budd and Captain Kurtz looked glum, as if brooding over their own problems. Lily Bart and Daisy Buchanan merely looked bored.

Vladimir and Estragon, who have waited patiently to see if Godot would be nominated, are silently exiting the hall.

The Cheshire Cat grinned, but then that was what he always did.

"Penny how can you be two people at the same time, you have just introduced yourself as Dr Leslie Winkle, and I know you have your quirks but I did not know you also thought were a physicist!"

"I am so sorry Sheldon, I have not been the same since I was given back my powers from the Q Continuum as I have been so used to living without them as well as having to pretend that I am clueless about physics when my knowledge is infinitely more superior than you could ever imagine!"

"Penny so how long have you been hiding this from us and when were you going to finally reveal to us your true identity?"

"Leonard, I have tried to but I was not allowed to reveal to you that everything in Star Trek is real but that all the events that you see on the TV screen or the movie screen are happening in an alternate reality but since landing here with other fantasy and sci-fi universes universes then I was able to reveal who I really am!"

"I can't believe that the Literary Character Party would nominate such obscure candidates for President and Vice-President," said Mrs. Troglodyte.

"Well, almost no one has ever heard of Hamlet, but I think Sherlock Holmes was a second cousin of Elrond," said Mr. Troglodyte.

"Well, why didn't they nominate somebody really well-known like anybody from 'Twilight' or 'The Hunger Games'?"

"Most of the people who know those characters well don't bother to vote, or aren't old enough yet!"

Characters from the Hunger Games are not yet that well known as I believe only the first book has been filmed

"Characters from the Hunger Games are not yet that well known as I believe only the first book has been filmed" [Pebblederook]

[Good point. "Hunger Games" and the "Twilight" series have sold a lot of books. Those books are what passes for literature for many of those who have read them. ]

Welcome to the bad ideas museum. I'm Algon Amok, your tour
guide. Unfortunately, I didn't check my work schedule when I
booked that flight to Vegas. Thank Bob for teleconferencing
technology! Even as I lose my shirt at the slot machines, I can
guide you through the Museum via this video screen. Take the
screen with you, but don't drop it! Also, don't tell my boss I'm
away. I could find myself broke *and* unemployed.

Down the corridor to the left, we come to the first exhibit:
Polynesian Chief Haui Dudis wanted to fly to his sister's wedding
on another island 300 miles away. The chief weighed 350 pounds.
The frame for his glider was of heavy wood so it could support his
weight. The wings were made of banana leaves. The glider crashed
into the ocean six miles out, and the natives paddled out to retrieve the chief. No harm done -- he floated very well 'til they rescued him.

The second exhibit concerns a 15th-Century Italian family that would
have been more famous had they not excelled in the art of poisoning their enemies. No, this was not the Borgia Family! Every single family member hated every other member. They chose their annual Christmas get-together as the time for poisoning each other. There were no survivors.

Regretfully, I have to leave you now. I'm selling my equipment to cover my losses at the casino. You can find your way through the rest of the Museum without my help. You will see signs that say "This Way to the Egress." That exhibit is well worth seeing!

~~When Silly Things Happen to Serious People~~

Saul the Serious had never laughed in his entire life. As a young schoolteacher, he was quick to punish any student who dared to goof off or tell a joke or even laugh during class. One day a clown came to help kick off the Spring Carnival. Saul was rude to him. When the School Board learned of this, they had Saul fired.

Angry and unemployed, Saul dedicated his life to avenging his dismissal by making life miserable for clowns everywhere. He hated one clown above all others: Bobo, the most revered clown in the country.

One hot Summer day, Saul found himself on the road to Damascus, Virginia, home of Bobo's Clown Academy. He took a steep curve too fast and found himself off the road. As he got out of the car, he was momentarily blinded by the sunlight. He heard a loud voice in his ear, saying "Life is a joke. Laugh, man, laugh!" Then a large cream pie was thrown at his face, and seltzer was squirted down his pants.

Suddenly Saul got it. This was the epiphany he had been heading for all his life. From that moment on, he dedicated his life to bringing laughter and merriment to others. He had to change his name, of course, but Saul the Silly seemed a perfect fit.

Ralph Persimmons was a good loser.

Everyone said so.

He was, in fact famous, even revered, for being such a good loser.

But, as Ralph says, you don't get to be good at something without an awful lot of practice.

"Mrs. Toadcreel, the latest lab reports are not encouraging," Doctor
Mycoblastoma said, wear a solemn expression. "If this weren't a Friday, you'd be dead already...."

"What does Friday have to do with it?"

"The Grim Reaper plays golf on Fridays."

"What about Saturdays?

"You're off the hook there, too. He volunteers at a homeless shelter. Sundays he spends in church."

"Why church?"

"Most church congregations are elderly. He has many likely clients
in one place. So, Mrs. Toadcreel, you have three days in which to make your final arrangements."

As she left the doctor's office, she was approached by a man in a trenchcoat. "You look sad," he said. "Bad news?"

"The worst. I've got three days left."

"I could find a cure for your condition -- if you're willing to abandon this story."

"What's this? I'm a character in a story? Doctor Mycoblastoma said I was real."

"He's a character, too. I write stories, and I promise to cure you if you enter one of my stories."

"What about the obligatory suffering that writers inflict on their characters?"

"You'll be stranded on a raft in the Pacific with a Bengal Tiger, three Keebler elves, and Trini Lopez...."

I woke up in a room with neither windows nor doors. I couldn't remember who I was. Looking around, I saw some mattresses haphazardly scattered around the room. There were several sets of handcuffs in the corner, and a refrigerator filled with cream pies and seltzer bottles nearby.

This was either a torture chamber for naughty clowns, or a hideaway for those who enjoyed kinky sex. Or an unlikely combination of the two.

The phone rang. It took me a couple moments to realize that it was in the refrigerator.

"Hi, Antonio?" said the voice on the other end. "That was some stag party last night!"

"I'll say. I don't remember it at all."

"Felicia was going hot and heavy with you."

"Felicia?"

"Your bride to be.....Actually, you're going to be executed in an hour. The party was your last request."

I gasped, almost dropping the phone.

"You still there, Antonio? I was messing with you. By 'execution,' I mean 'wedding.' I'll be there in ten minutes with your tux."

She wept as she watched the cruise ship sink into the ocean’s giant maw.

"Don’t cry, Mrs. Toadcreel," said the Head Elf as he leaned out the window of his hollow tree. “Try one of my ‘Cheer me up’ cookies, and you’ll soon feel better.”

"Just call me Felicia," she said. "My husband’s on that distant lifeboat. This was our honeymoon cruise….”

“How romantic!”

“I met him a month ago when I desperately needed a cure for my terminal illness. A friend referred me to Doctor Antonio Toadcreel. Tony cured me, I fell in love with him, we married, and we boarded the ship for our honeymoon yesterday. Now the ship is at the bottom of the ocean, and my Tony is on that distant lifeboat.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll be reunited soon.”

“Well, enough about me. Are you really a Keebler elf?"

"No. We work for a competitor. My helpers and I bake cookies in this tree, though."

"It's great how you got the tree into the exact center of the raft."

"Thanks. A lot of work, but the raft is quite stable now."

"The tiger seems to enjoy the top branches...."

"His name is Richard Parker. We give him fish cakes so he'll stay there. His trainer is on another lifeboat, but as long as he has his fishcakes he’ll be all right."

"At least we have music," one of the smaller elves observed as Trini Lopez crooned "Lemon Tree" to a school of appreciative dolphins. Trini’s band was on another lifeboat, but he was making do with a guitar for accompaniment.

Doctor Mycoblastoma emerged from his hiding place deep within the tree. He was about to ask how Felicia could have been Mrs. Toadcreel *before* she met Mr. Toadcreel, but the story abruptly ended.

THE EAGERLY AWAITED END

"It's been a long time, Mr. Sarnoff!" the grocer exclaimed.

"That it has. But please call me Sarnoff."

"What can I get for you, Sarnoff?"

"I need a pound of powdered swill."

"We have six new flavors."

"Who cares about the flavor? Swill isn't supposed to taste good!"

"So you'll be wanting the original version, then."

"Please!"

"Salted or unsalted?"

"Again, who cares?"

"Some people have health concerns..."

"Swill's not supposed to be good for the health."

"Then salted will do. I suppose you don't want decaffeinated?"

"What do I look like, a barista at Starbucks?"

"I don't even want to know who will be eating it."

"It's not a state secret. My mother in law is coming to visit tomorrow."

[My previous story contained an error. The main character's name
was supposed to be Sarnoff Kilter. here's the sequel.]

"Such a lovely bisque, Sarnoff!" Elvira exclaimed, beaming at her
son-in-law. "I had no idea you cooked so well."

Sarnoff blushed. "Thanks, but it's the only thing I *can* cook. It was handed down to me by my mother."

"Could you let me have the recipe?" she said with a wink.

"Sorry, it's a family secret. My mother cooked it all the time when she worked for the Penns. She never let *them* see the recipe either."

"I see."

Sarnoff's wife rolled her eyes. Penns, indeed. More like Penitentiary. Would her mother like it as well if she knew what it really was? Well, no need to spoil the family dinner!

"But she said it had been served for the crowned heads of Europe. They called it 'Souille.'"

"What a lovely name!" Elvira said. "I think I'll get some more ice for my drink."

"I can get it,"Sarnoff offered.

"No need! I know where it is."

She found the ice bucket on the kitchen counter. Next to it was a canister with the word 'Swill' on it."

Sarnoff and his wife heard a blood-curdling scream from the kitchen.

"She knows!" Sarnoff's wife said, glaring at her husband.

"We may need to borrow the neighbor's pig," Sarnoff said uneasily.