h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[..when Raymond met Paul....]

He was running scared, like a spider in a student's bath tub 30 minutes before the parents arrive.

You try and talk sense to these bozos but when panic kicks in with John Citizen it's headless chicken time, and all a guy can do is try not to choke on the feathers.

He must have heard it coming before he saw it, a low twanging sound that made the last dregs of colour seep from his face like a pavement painting in a rainstorm.

The piano hit him dead centre, naturally, with a huge chord crescendo.

E flat, I guessed.

fortunately, a few friends from the orchestra just happened to be busking on the Mall steps, nearby, so they were able to accompany him to the hospital

Old friends are the best friends, like jokes

ah - that would explain Quote of the Day**, then, too!


(** who wants to live to 90?...etc...etc)

[That reminds me of the classic Laurel and Hardy film in which the two are trying to bring a piano to the top floor of a house.]

~~If life gives You Fruitcake, Build a Fortress~~

Dulcinia was fair of face and sweet of disposition. Many men found her good-looking, but they lost interest once they tasted her cooking, which usually sent them to bed with indigestion. Her singing was no better; more than once it had been mistaken for an
invasion of frogs.

"Your cooking will improve with practice," said her cousin the Queen one day at tea.

"I'm sure that's true, but I will soon be too old to get a husband," Dulcinia said.

"You need a man with a tin ear, no taste buds, and a stomach that can digest anything," the Queen replied, "someone like General Taysliss."

"He's good-looking," Dulcinia admitted," but how can I meet him?"

"That's easily arranged," the Queen said with a wink."He saw you at the Jubilee, and liked what he saw. I'll handle the introductions."

The match was ideal. They settled happily into married life, raising strong young children and giving aid to all those who needed help. Dulcinia's favorite charity work was baking fruitcakes and giving them away.

One day the King sent out an urgent appeal for help in building fortress walls around the city. The barbarians were getting ready to attack. Bricks were in short supply, as the King's men discovered when they scoured the city. However, Dulcinia's fruitcakes seemed every bit as formidable as bricks. Everyone had them, for they were too hard to eat and impossible to give away. Dulcinia baked fruitcakes around the clock. Soon the fortress was built, and the barbarians found it impossible to penetrate.

Dulcinia's fruitcakes had saved the day. Women from all over the kingdom brought her food, so she would never have to cook again.

[...the classic Laurel and Hardy film where the two are attempting to bring a piano to the top floor of a house.]

...then, after many mishaps, the two get the piano to the top of an outside course of steps from the street address, only to find that there was a driveway they might have driven it most of the way up, if only they'd scouted first, and found it.




...reminds me of my aunt's Laurel Canyon days, complete with 'dopy moveovers', borrowed from Heinlein (Between Planets, Tunnel in the Sky, picking the latches on screen doors and raiding refrigerators...

...pardon the missing end parenthesis after "Tunnel in the Sky"...

Is Laurel Canyon near Hardy Mountain?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurel_Canyon,_Los_Angeles

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hardy_Mountain_Doukhobor_Village

Hmm... ...apparently there is no relationship bewteen the two places.




I got a tremendous kick out of Peter Fonda's portrayal of a dopy-moveover from his LSD movie, "The Trip".

Really first rate acting.

[My next story -- when I get it finished -- will probably be kind of a downer. I will give a warning when it arrives.]

(Thanks Jabs that has given me an idea for another story Lord Sugar and the Ferengi Alliance.)

"Well, I don't why a Slytherin would want to work in the Muggle world, after all couldn't you work for the Ministry of Magic or even St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies?"

"Yes, you're right Sheldon, but that is my cover story that I tell everyone as it would be very difficult explaining to them that I have re-written the past million years and now 80% the world's population all have magical powers which include people having a higher midi-chlorian count than Anakin Skywalker and are 5+ mutant omega level; and they also include members of the Middle Earth universe."

"Raj I have put a potion in your drink which has now made it possible for you to talk to women and oh before I forget it also has endowed you all with the above superhuman powers plus it now has given you a Gallilfreyan DNA that literally has turned you into Time Lords and all your relatives, colleagues, friends and acquaintances have now all been endowed with the same attributes."

"Chaos in Time and Space"

[... a strange tale about Toby, or maybe not Toby?...]

It had been a really bad month for the dude, what with his father dying suddenly and his mother upping and marrying her husband's brother.

Incest, a game the whole family can play; tell me about it.

Then he started these weird hallucinations, seeing things, like his father coming on with some crazy conspiracy theory, and to top the whole cheeseburger off, his chick had fallen out of her tree, hardly surprising the way things were.

And now here he was, not feeling terribly bright after what was supposed to be a bit of a friendly punch up with his dead bird's brother, surrounded by the corpses of his ma, stepdad, and afore mentioned almost brother in law.

What was he supposed to do now; he couldn't even think straight with these flights of angels caterwauling in his ears.

[Sorry, but this next story may be a bit of a downer. It gives a darker meaning of the idea of a day at the beach. Still, you may find it worthwhile to read....]

~~Life is a day at the seashore, if you can find it~~

"I've come to see my inner tide."

"This is your second visit so far this year, sir," the Tidewatcher said, concern etched across his brow. When I made no reply he added, "naturally, the Senior discount applies, plus you get two complimentary cups of Happy Tea."

"Happy Tea? Is that a new thing?"

"No. I only offer it to senior citizens."

"Why is that?"

"Because, frankly, the tide goes farther and farther out from shore with every passing year after fifty. There are many who can't face this without the tea"

"There is never an occasional high tide?"

"Rarely. In fact, I don't allow more than one visit every three years once you hit eighty. Too much risk of suicide"

I gasped when I saw my tide. The Tidewatcher was right after all. I had to walk a long way before I could even see the retreating ocean. My toes were freezing within minutes. I felt clammy and cold, my sides heaving with exertion. Until now I'd had no idea how bad
things were. The Tidewatcher suddenly loomed before me with a pot of freshly brewed Happy Tea. My session was over. I found myself sobbing as he gently raised the cup to my lips.

"You may sit in the Shipwreck Room if you wish, until your sorrow passes," he said kindly, taking me by the arm.

Beautiful.

Thanks!

I like that story very much, it's the frisson of the wet seaweed down the back moment that is so delicious.

Maybe it's my unjustifiably optimistic approach to life but I am still holding out for a tsunami. I just have to be in the right place at the right time....i.e. when the earth moves.

[I never expected this positive reaction to my inner tide story. I got the idea for it while sitting with my mother so my father [who is the primary caregiver] could go to the Senior center, play cards, and get some rest and fun]. I thought about how low my mother's blood pressure got [60 over 30 sometimes] when she stood up. That seemed like a low tide of a sort, if the heart produces tides in the body by pumping. It seemed more fun to make it more like a real tide, albeit one that was at extreme ebb. In any event, writing things based on real life has been a good way to go. ]

it is a very good analogy, paul

i spent one Fall on the northern, bay side of Cape Cod... it is a shallow bay and when the tide goes out it goes waaaaaaaaay out... a veritable hike !

also interesting is that the other, southern, side of the Cape is very steep... you can actually fall off the beach into the ocean... i don't even know if you can see a difference in tides there...