h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Queen Hermione Ermintrude had a life that most women would envy--a gorgeous, well-appointed castle, an unusually kind and wise man for a husband, nine healthy sons who excelled both in the classroom and on the playing fields--but as her tenth wedding anniversary drew near, she felt unfulfilled because no daughters had yet been born to her.

The stork took pity on her, or so it seemed, because soon after that a princess was born to her, a little girl of beautiful features and great intelligence, but no voice. She came out of her mother's womb clutching a diary in her hand, and the first thing she did was to grab a pen from the doctor's shirt pocket and use it to write "WAAAH!" in the diary. It was decided that she should be called "Princess Diary."

With nine older brothers, she had no hope of ever ascending to the throne as a reigning queen, but her amazing ability to write stood her in good stead later on, when she used the juicy bits in her diary to write a string of best-selling memoirs.

Fogblust Hemperman's military marches were first-rate in every way but one: set to a 3/4 tempo, they were more like waltzes than marches. When the Division Commander realized how much extra work it would take to retrain the troops for waltz-tempo marches, it was
already halfway through the alloted time, and there was no money in the budget for dumping Hemperman and hiring a composer with more conventional marches in his repertoir.

Luckily, one of the soldiers at the base was a former dancer, and he was more than happy to design Busby Berkley-style formations to accompany Hemperman's musical concoctions.

Better still, the Division was soon paired with an all-woman's division just about the time a grand gala was organised to celebrate the cessation of all ongoing wars on the planet. Complex choreography no longer being needed, the men and women of the merged forces simply waltzed with each other to Hemeperman's tunes all night.

Once I gained consciousness, I noticed a sharp pain in my temple which quickly subsided once I got up. It was not easy as my balance not good and my legs felt a bit wobbly. But I managed my holding onto the kitchen surface as I got off from the floor. I then sat on the kitchen stool to compose myself before proceding to get ready to go and get the bus.

Thank you Paul.

I shall read it on Friday. I must go to my pit, and then tomorrow I have a very difficult meeting to attend.

Gp well,

Christiane.

Ir makes me sad to learn that you can never be free of difficult meetings, no matter how long you live, Christiane.

Thank goodness I can copel

You forget that I am the principal carer for someone who suffers from a chronic mental illness. People who suffer from this illness are the bottom of the social pile, and I am grateful that the good Lord has given me the strength and the resilience to defend their rights, Some years ago I was the advocacy officer for another young man who had been sent to prison whilst I was on holiday in south africa. Acdtually it is twelve years ago.

that is the last time I performed this role. Now I must do it for my own son. There is noone to defend him or his rights.

But thank you for your concern.

Christiane
AR80
27/VIII/09

Thank you for contacting the customer-service website for Feeblitz appliances. We have been having technical difficulties for the last nine months, difficulties that have rendered our telelphone hotlines inoperable except for customers calling from Juneau, Alaska, and Heidelberg, Germany. The website that you are now looking at is grossly understaffed, and can only be expected to help you with minor concerns such as how to open the boxes that our wonderful Feeblitz appliances are packed in, or what to do if a deadly rattlesnake was inadvertently placed inside one of our deluxe ten-step microwave ovens. For all other consumer concerns, you must visit one of our convenient regional service centers within three days of incurring difficulties. These service centers are located, one to a continent, in the following cities: Vladivostok (Russia), Trondheim (Norway), Santa Cruz (Bolivia), Whitehorse (Yukon Territory, Canada), Kampala (Uganda), and Alice Springs (Australia).

Every time I leave my flat I always test the door by pushing it to see if I shut it properly but this time something very bizarre happened as I pushed my hands against the door my whole body fell through the door. What happened was my body phased through the door as if it was not there. I hit the ground and the next thing I new my body lifted up and and this time I disappeared only to find myself on the roof of the building.

Tipsy woke up in the hold of a ship, with vague memories of having fallen from the Great Red-Clad One's sleigh the night before. He tiptoed gingerly among the piles of pirate conraband, then hoisted himself up the rope ladder to the deck, where he beheld the spectacle of a port town filled with open air markets and the heady aromas of apple blossoms and fresh vegetables. The pirates had evidently gone ashore in search of more contraband or perhaps some female companionship, and this was apparently a nice Spring day in some Mediterranean port, but Tipsy distinctly remembered that the previous night had been Christmas Eve.

Turning around, he searched the shadows for the source of a rustling sound, and saw the face of his brother Gladiolus, who had fallen from the Red-Clad One's sleigh the previous year. When Tipsy mentioned his concern about time passing too quickly, Gladiolus was happy to explain that in Arctic time, one night is equal to six
months everywhere else in the world, hence the arrival of Spring after a night of sleep.

I am petrified of heights and when I found myself on the roof I had a panic attack and started to sway to and fro so badly that I fell but instead of landing on the ground I floated in the air.

As I was floating in the air, I came to realise that I could phase through solid objects, teleport and fly.

I saw the bus coming so I teleported to the bus stop as I did not want to draw to much attention as already a crowd of people were starting to congrate.

I got on the bus and the bus driver saw my weekly ticket and sat on my seat and then I decided to teleport off but as the bus was so crowded no noticed me leave.

I decided as I arrived so early that I would go to one of the cafes and have a cooked breakfast.

The first thing you should know about Dad is that he was a shape-shifter. In the early years, Mom and Bunny and I were afraid to bring friends or clients home for fear that Dad would be a big scary dragon who might eat them. We finally got him to settle for a chicken or its best-known historical ancestor, the T. Rex. If he happened to be in his T. Rex mode, Mom would shout "Coq au vin!" and Dad would immediately resume his human form. Bunny had shape-shifting abilities too, but he only used them once: last New Year's Eve he changed into a sabre-toothed rabbit and ate Dad, who happened to be a chicken at the time.

After I paid for my big breakfast and put the change into my purse/wallet, I found that it was bulging with notes and coins and it was at least £400 pounds in £20 pound notes and 80 pound coins. The day was getting better as I went to my classes, thinking to myself how lucky I am that I don't have to good supply of money and that my transport problems had gone as I can teleport to my desired destinations in seconds and not be limited to where I can go.

In the evening, Edison Plifit liked to sit in his yurt and watch the stream of refugees--many of them covered with bloodstained banbages--pass along the road on their way to the border. He knew his aging parents would not be joining them, especially since flight was
futile anyway now that the borders were sealed off by the junta. In the distance, he could see what appeared to be tiny bubbles rising here and there--these were inflated yurts that were capable of riding the winds high above the ground. Soon Edison would tell his parents goodbye and take his own yurt aloft and, with the help of a global positioning satellite, steer it along the wind current toward a floating continent which had just been launched. It was said
that they were welcoming new citizens, and Edison was fairly confident that a talented inventor such as himself would surely be welcome there.

Dear Paul H,

Brilliant



AR80

With the confusing of getting so many powers in a short period of time, I thought it was lucky not have a good supply of money when I meant the opposite.

And now very morning I wake up in the morning I find money underneath my pillow, and a pile underneath my bed and when I go into the kitchen I find more in the fridge freezer and the kitchen cupboards.

This means that I spend most of my time teleporting to the bank as there is no bank where I live and deposting all my cash into my accounts.

The rest of the time is spent visiting tourist spots around the UK and going to the cinema.

The Unsinkable Cyrus Phlegginbostle

Cyrus Phlegginbostle dared to dream of greatness, but it took Kate Winslett and Leonardo Dicaprio to show him the way. His mother had thought it would be good idea to celebrate his 12th birthday with a party at the local movie theater, and since the date was April 14, 2012, what better movie was there than the 1997 classic "Titanic," to commemmorate the 100th anniversary of that tragic sinking?

To little Cyrus, sitting in that darkened theater, the movie was an epiphany, a beacon of light that illuminated the great need for someone--obviously Cyrus himself--to build another Titanic and show the world that it could safely be sailed from England to New York.

The catch in his grand plan was that Cyrus was not destined ever to have enough cash to build a full-size Titanic, but over the years he saved up enough to build a scale model which, with modifications, left room for modest quarters for the one-man crew--consisting,
naturally, of Cyrus himself--that was to pilot it across the Atlantic on the original ship's exact same route.

The big day arrived, and Cyrus successfully maneuvered his mini-Titanic out of the port, out onto the open Atlantic, and all the way to the spot where the original disaster had occurred, where he saw, to his chagrin, that Nature had designed a scale model of the original iceberg.....

Every day I have been finding money in odd places, this time in the washing machine and the microwave oven and even in the cupboards and shelves in my lounge and bedroom. Along with this I have noticed that I have had feathers growing on my back, this has been going on for the past two weeks since I started to taking the Omega capsules and supplement drinks. And I have now to white large wings which has made getting into clothes difficult so I have all my clothes altered.

ASK THE DRUIDS

The first question is, do dead tenors sing better?

While you're thinking about that one, let me ask if you think a viable Unified Field Theory will be developed in this century.

I see by your reticence that you don't think my questions are pertinent, so perhaps you would be so gracious as to explain what your reasons for building Stonehenge were.

For Pete's sake, would you *please* say something?

The bleak full moon hovers in the sky as Lucius Snotburrow gazes through his laboratory window, resentfully surveying the green turkey farms of North West Blomsted--a veritable empire, all run by his twin brother Twinkles, who is very probably sleeping peacefully now, or parading through some glitzy nightclub with a beautiful woman on each arm.

Lucius realizes that envy will not make him more rich and famous than his brother, so he wearily resumes work on his magic elixir that will render people imaginary for any length of time that they want, for purposes as diverse as lowering taxes, protecting witnesses, or hiding from ogres.

He finds, however, that his most successful batch to date has been swallowed by Ibore, his assistant, who at this very moment is probably making love to Scarlett O'Hara, or getting sloshed at one of the Great Gatsby's parties.

He pours himself a cup of calming tea and seeks consolation from the knowledge that this batch was only supposed to last for two hours, a term that is almost up.

Sure enough, Ibore materializes on the sofa, bruised from getting kicked by Don Quixote's horse after making a pass at Dulcinea.

Day by day I was realising that I had to becareful what I think about either in my day dreams or when I sleep last night as I found myself at Hogwarts with all my mutant powers plus Jedi powers. This of course much satisfication in my Gryffindor house as I am able to tell them what they need to study before they are taught it and if he who must not be named is neary by with his not so merry band of death eaters.