h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How interesting! I've a feeling that Geronimo was a N. American Indian chief. Must google it.

Wikipedia:-
Geronimo (Chiricahua: Goyaałé, "one who yawns"; often spelled Goyathlay or Goyahkla[1] in English) (June 16, 1829 – February 17, 1909) was a prominent Native American leader of the Chiricahua Apache who fought against Mexico and the United States and their expansion into Apache tribal lands for several decades.



You probably knew this subconciously.

The Wembacachi Tribe had been very poorly treated by the citizens of the United States over the centuries. The reservation that they were forcibly relocated to had very little water, poorly situated farmable land, too much quicksand, and too many mountain areas above the timber line.

Then in 2013, when the value of Spam began to skyrocket because of unique health benefits conferred by eating it, a huge deposit of Spam was discovered under the Wembacachi reservation. Not wanting to let Congress or the Executive branch displace them from this lucrative discovery, their lawyers brought in an expert rainmaker and some pineapple ranchers.

Soon they had cornered not only the world's Spam market, but also controlled the pineapple that people ate with it....

and to bed. But you'd know about Geronimo, was he the world's first Spam man?

"Today's guest is Celepha Lang, who is here with us to
tout her latest best-seller, "What the Woofers Saw."

"I'm happy to be back on your show, Retis, and I urge
everyone to read my book, which is published by Every-
where And Then Some Books. It's a starred selection by
the International Gratuitous Sex Society...."

"Celepha, I find it fascinating that the reviewer at
"Beyond all Reason" magazine said you used "Woofers"
as a euphemism for what you *really* wanted to say....."

"That is correct as far as it goes, but this is a family
show--despite the huge percentage of escorts in your demo-
graphic profile--so I cannot in all conscience divulge
what the word was; that has to be saved for the hot tub
in your hotel room tonight after the show...."

The children had just settled down in the dining room for their after-dinner chess game when they noticed that Mom was drawing all the curtains and locking the doors.

"David, Lisa, your father and I want to talk to you," she said in a stage whisper, gesturing toward Dad's study, which had always been the place where private family discussions took place.

None of them had ever moved particularly fast, but ten minutes later they were obediently seated around the reading table, listening to their mother say, "We didn't want to tell you until you were old enough to understand, but we are all snails."

"Your Uncle Fustle turned us into humans when you were very small,"
said Dad, "because he knew you would never get into good schools or
live in a nice house like this one if you were snails....."

Lisa was not taking the news very well, but David felt oddly relieved, because this explained why he craved lettuce all the time.

I travelled to a parallel universe where Wallace along with his followers immigrated to the US and became great friends with Geronimo. They learned from each other and lived side to side together in peace. They shared everything and invited each other to their great feasts. There was no greed but only peace, harmony and joy.

"I lie near death on a white marble slab ringed by bright red roses and dark green ivy that climbs the sides of my sarcphagus, while mermaids call to me from the fountain....."

"For pity's sake, Mr. Loquassitus, tell the truth!" protested Leems, the android butler, "which is, you're in the pink of health in a penthouse apartment with all the conveniences of the 21st century....."

"When I think back on my youth," he continued, ignoring the interruption, "I recall the long trip on the Mayflower, the coma I lapsed into from bumping my head on Plymouth Rock, the re-awakening just in time to write the Declaration of Independence, the second coma, my brilliant advice to Lincoln that won the Civil War for the North....."

He was interrupted again, this time by his son, Hal Jr.: "Dad, you need to get over to the door and welcome the other pathological liars; tonight's the night you're hosting the PLA meeting."

Now it is time for all great women and men to sit down and have a good think; before they set off on their mad capers. Where they will beset by problems of all magnitude, especially of those falling from the sky. As they set forth on another adventure to find the meaning of life but instead only find out when the No25 will be running next.

Today was THE day. The most wonderful day of my life, and I had been waiting for this day, all my life. IT, - THE BIG EVENT - was about to happen. But, damn, where had I put my keys, where was my purse, and where ,oh where had I left my bank card? By the time I managed to find them all it was midnight. Oh well, too late, maybe there would be more chances, and I must get organised - just in case.

I there life after death? Is there life before death? Can I be safe abroad when I can't be safe in my own home? Can human beings ever live in an equitable society based on love not war while we base our society on the worship of power and money? Why are there so many questions? Why so many questions?

My neighbours cannot help it but they had to have a party and it was no ordinary party as all the guests ended up fighting and frightening each other. Why do they it, no-one knows, but every time they have a get-together, they love to have all the doors and windows wide open so that they can hear them talking in the middle of the night. Then they give me very funny looks as though I am the strange one.

my mother is not pleased that my closewt is a portal into an alternative universe where I am a princess. I've taken her there a few times, and she has seen the fountains, the beautiful white horses, the royal palaces, even the royal wine cellars. "Yes, it's all very beautiful, Pat," she would say, "but you have a family that loves you, which is more priceless than all the jewels and kingdoms in the world."

She is right, of course, but I sense that her feelings are tinged with jealousy, as she had a difficult childhood, and never had much.

That, plus the fact that I'm a guy..

In his 50 years in the chicken business, Fernando Pardante had been accustomed to getting his own way, but the afterlife turned out to be very different. Three days after his demise, he found himself in Hell, condemned for his treatment of billions of innocent
chickens. Surprisingly, the Devil had welcomed him with open arms and promised him an honored place in his kitchen, where he would prepare the devil's dinner. He was happy at this news, as the Devil enjoyed chicken legs, eating 500,000 of them at a sitting. The
bad news was that the chickens in Hell were one-legged, and they were covered with porcupine quills...

They say that carrots help you see in the dark and that spinach will give you lots of energy. But I have tried all these things and I find that I do not see any better or have become very energetic. I have even found after a glass of brandy to help me go to sleep that it kept me awake and it gave me numb lips.

Sumadartson was the wisest man in all Ecalpyna. One morning,
thousands of panicked citizens came to him to ask what to do about
a 300-foot-long shoe that had suddenly begun to dangle from the sky,
and Sumadartson calmly told them to cut it from its rope and convert it to a ship.

The next morning, a lemon the size of a barn appeared and this time
the solution was to chop it up to make lemonade and lemon meringue pies.

The morning after that, an even larger tomato was in the sky, with the result that there was enough tomato sauce for pizza and spaghetti for the next three years.

The next morning, when Sumadartson looked up and saw a huge toilet in
the sky, his advice was terse and unequivocal: let's get the heck out of here!

I know a college fellow that lives in the borough of Back-of-Beyond, where the council is run by hermits that are clones of the Herman Hermits. They issue permits to people that are called Herman who want to join them and spend their days alone having meetings with themselves. Where they do meet and only in two's not and not far from the Twilight zone of the Outer Limits of Back-of-Beyond. They spend their time chanting Klingon phrases into a worm hole, where worms spend their time pole dancing.

Yugunga had never before seen such bright light, and had to blink a lot. His wife Bedunga was the good hostess, fetching dried veckle beetles for the many network camermen who were there to spotlight the first tribe who had gained endangered status under the new legislation.

The downside of the new law was slowly coming into focus as translators explained that the members of Yugunga's tribe would have to observe numerous new restrictions on their activities so that they would not get themselves killed before they could reproduce their way back to safe population levels.

Tribe members were now required to wear seatbelts in their kayacks,
use tall poles so they wouldn't have to risk their lives by climbing trees for bajunja fruit, built bridges across Ajajajabunga Abyss rather than swing on vines, build storm shelters for hurricane season, and drain the swamp where the malaria mosquitoes were breeding.

The tribe's five young children were fascinated by the packs of cigarettes that the camera crew left behind, and wasted no time showing their elders how these gifts of the white gods were supposed to be used.

My neighbours have totally flipped and they are spend their time stealing each others bins whilst riding on motorcycles through each others homes. And every night they spend hours running amok and having practise fight sessions in the pubs before the serious stuff of driving cars through the shops at Lakeside shopping centre, shouting out loadsamoney to belwidered security men. Then the very next day they have their radios blaring out music whilst they are talking to their friends boasting about their crazy nocturnal habits.