h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh nice one, nice one, you are obviously in a similar mood to me. I have a half nekkid nordic reclining on the sofa & the money has just arrived in the *ank.

I may even get him to sigh over the phone, he has sighed "hello" by MSN to Aye Bee Wench & once more declared NBY is & "zen man"

Are you up for MSN or a quickie phone call? I am totally bored rigid with frog TV in the background & have exhausted the possibilities of BBC newsGreg Dyke, sorry.

zdt

My calling card's not charged up but I'd be keen on an MSN chat! I'm logging in as we squeak.

I enjoyed our fun, albeit loopy, chat last night. Thanks!

Loopy? US? Good grief, nothing could be further from the truth. We are entirely normal & so is his nordicness. Actually, after having watched TV with him for a couple of hours i am inclined to agree with his view that "90% of people are totally mad & being exploited by 9% of the rest, who are rich & stupid & utterly corrupt. The other 1% is people like me & you & NBY & the 90% accuse us of being mad 'cos we would in general prefer to socialise with koala bears & begonias."

*sigh*

zdt

That reminds me! I saw a program on Animal Planet last weekend on koala bears. They were adorable! But losing their homes.

I'm at my grandfathers right now. S and I are talking on msn, and she's sitting right behind me!

The joys of technology!! I quite often text viking when he is inches away, partly i must say, to test if he jumps nervously & has phone on silent vibrate mode.

The latest is he seems to be trying to turn me into a troglodyte. He was Pottering About bored yesterday, this is always risky, he inevitably finds some Better System in the house & spends ages installing it with much sighing & demands for strange things. I then usually leave it in place for a couple of days till he's forgotten about it, dismantle it & go back to the original system.

"Your shutters do not work"
"They don't need to, they are allowed to be unemployed"
"This is difficult for you to close"
"Er, right, OK, what do you suggest?"
"Bring me long metal pipe"
"HUH???????"
"You are useless, i go look in atelier & grenier"
"Brill, off you trot, meanwhile i make soup"

Emerges about 20 minutes later, clutching selection of metal pipes & a very confused cat.

"I find this cat in the bathroom"
"Oh good. I will introduce you. Yoda, this is that man you sleep with most nights. Viking, this is my pussy, do feel free to stroke it"
"I want a screw, a large one. Or maybe two"
"Oh gawd, you don't half pick your moments to get horny, the soup is ready"
"where i find a screw?"
"red light district, Amsterdam; Berlin,Tokyo, take your pick"
"I no want pick, my teeth are clean"
"Please go & sort the sodding shutters & let me bash my head quietly against the wall"
"OK. Good. You realise i am a very practical person. I sort all your problems. You give me cigarette????"
"Yes; yes, yes, take 5 of them, please please go & play nicely outside with your metal things & corks"

An hour later, after much cursing, i am told to Inspect the new system. Instead of simply pushing two doors together, we now have what appears to be a medieval device for restraining imbeciles & witches, which may say something about how he regards me.He demonstrates how easy it is to operate & how secure i will feel. (Er, i often forget to lock the front door, so any passing naughty type person would probably enter that way rather than figure out Fort Knocks)

Anyway, the result of all this is, i am totally unable to open the damn things. He isn't here; i booted him out around 3am for being surly, but did take the precaution of Kidnapping His Tobacco, so he will undoubtedly be back soon, it's a public Holiday tommorow. Obviously he will have to wake up first, then have 2 hours "In the paté" but he will find a message saying:

"Come & open these bloody shutters. Yoda is very annoyed 'cos she can't look out of the window. The plants are annoyed 'cos they are getting no light. Terri is annoyed 'cos she is sitting in the dark"

The system was "supposed" to be to help me be more independent & secure when he isn't around. I suspect a hidden agenda & opposite motive myself. Silly auld sod!

zdt

I really love it when you share bits of conversation with us. I know his English isn't perfect (although I suspect it's quite possibly better than that of a majority of Americans ), so the bits where "screw" and "pick" flew over his head were funny. "I found this cat in the bathroom" had me in stitches...

Honestly, all we need to do see to it that you're supplied with plastic dishes and a lot of bubble wrap, and the two of you should be fine.

As for the shutter contraption, I'm sure he *meant* to make things easier for you... but you know what they say about good intentions!

I strongly suspect the words didn't in fact fly over his head; i am certain he has far more English than he chooses to let on.When he isn't in Grump Mode, he is actually quite a brilliant comedian & knows it & loves being the centre of attention.

The little bogger isn't answering the phone though, if he has stomped off somewhere he is going to get all hell let loose at him when he returns if this means my plants die plus i end up with a Depressed Siamese Cat; that is all i need to make my life complete.

If he isn't careful i will get Revenge big style. I am seriously contemplating buying him a ham(p)ster. In a nice bamboo cage of course.This will also amuse Yoda when he visits complete with attaché case containing shampoo, TV guide, spare knickers & whatever other secrets lurk within, plus travel cage with ham(p)ster. No doubt i will supply the sunflower seeds. I do feel a ham(p)ster is the answer to his woes; he complains that he needs company, but not that of the rest of the human race, who are widely dismissed as *profanity filter prevents me*....er...females are all ladies of easy virtue (except for me, his mother & his daughter) & males are all predatory animals (except for Idy, patrick N & NBY)

He's accidentally (?) got my spare key too, so he has to come back to give me that. By the time he gets here though, it will be time to close the shutters again of course!!!!!

zdt

Te he, found this quite funny, the French obsession with acronyms:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/4977546.stm

I have a RIP. Useful when dealing with EDF/GDF, no use at all with CCAS, can come in handy with CAF or CMU or occasionally even CPAM. I am not RMI'ste, i am COTOREP, ie i get AAH.

TTFN

zdt

>females are all ladies of easy virtue (except for me, his mother & his daughter) & males are all predatory animals (except for Idy, patrick N & NBY)<

It's a shame he feels that way. It's been my experience that it's quite the contrary, and most people, given the chance, are quite nice. Myself included!

His loss, really, though it must drive you nuts being the only suitable company, if it means you wind up lacking in the variety of company you seem to enjoy.

I find that there's also an obsession with acronyms here- in the military and business sector especially. I sometimes slip into using them, but in general, they drive me nuts.

Must have K share some of his mnemonic acronyms. Some of them are appallingly rude.

That sounds like fun but probably best done off this site!

Just sent you an email with photos NBY took on his visit here; you will probably be cursing me by now for taking up megabytes or whatever.

The Shutter Stop has deigned to answer the phone & is now in high pitched squealing mode
"Waaaah, leave me alone, i need be zen"
"The poor bloody plants & poor bloody cat & poor bloody me need be zen also"
"I come tomorrow."
"Oh, jolly good, i will get the Kleenex ready. What time you come?"
"I don't know"
"Well that is as helpful as ever"
"You are bad, you make me stressed"
"And you are good & make me zen"
"You laugh at me"
"Damn right i do, the alternative approach involves a prison sentence"

*sigh*

zdt*eating carrots in attempt to improve low-light vision

I'll have to lend you my bunny. He's been considering guide-bunny work.

Only if he squeaks frog.

zdt

He can learn. He is balding though, and very sensitive so you're better off not mentioning it. I will teach him psuedo-french for you.

Oh gawd, "balding & very sensitive", this sounds familiar, as does "pseudo French". I am wondering who is going to be leading who around here.

I had a friend who had a grey cat, name of which was "White rabbit" & a white rabbit, predictably named "Grey cat"; both co-habited seemingly happily in his little room & pood in the sink.

I have just had some bread & cheese. This may not sound like a risky experience for the USAnians amongst you; indeed NBY bought some Provolone, which viking has declared to be yellow rubber. Compared to Real French Cheese i am inclined to agree. RFC could be used as chemical warfare, i have a Brie that seems to be crawling towards me even as we squeak & as for the Blue things...The French apparently have low incidence of heart attacks, despite spending most of their time eating fatty food, drinking like fish & crying. I reckon it's because they have developed a natural resistance due to being exposed to Roquefort at an early age.

zdt

Just trying to get through the week here.

I have finally managed to get the wretched shutters open!

I think they swelled up in the continuous rain we have had over the last couple of days, which seems to have stopped, how long for is anybody's guess.

Today is a Holiday, Victory in 1945 apparently. Not sure if that's referring to Victory in europe generally or just French Victory, i was under the impression they got liberated rather than fought their way out of the situation? Not implying criticism; simply that my history knowledge is not brilliant. Is it a holiday elsewhere? Nothing on BBC News.

I have texted the nordic one to say shutters are open, he may interpret this either as:

*Jolly good, so i don't need to go & open the damn things & can safely sit here sulking

or

*Jolly good, maybe she will be in a better mood now & i can go there & watch her (bigger, better, brighter) TV & retrieve my kidnapped tobacco

So; bets are on. I reckon the sulks will continue until tonight; then nicotine deprivation will take over. My bet is 7pm today (Monday)

zdt

Bets off. I lost. he arrived 12 seconds after i posted. But seems in vile mood so we may end up re-betting later.

zdt

Just had a brief chat with Lil on MSN, she is up but not quite fully running yet. We will have to get her on the wheel with elton i reckon.

She's very tired & in some nasty pain stuff, including her fingers, so don't expect long posts, but she has lurked Prof & ST journals, no doubt she will here fairly soon!

The grate dane is seemingly applying for surliest cur of the year award. It seems we have to hit rock bottom before we can start coming back up again. All My Fault of course.

zdt

YAY!

I now have to ask. What exactly was this operation for??? I nevr asked Lil as was too afraid to...