h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They're dripping and dropin'... dripping and dropin'... Those endless tears.

*offers hankie*

I finally stop a short while ago. 3 hours of crying because I can feel the truth in this fact: Suz does not want a relationship with me. The only person I ever allowed myself to believe loved me, does not love me anymore. I can feel it. I want to die. I want to die. I love her. I want her. I need her. She is funny. She clever. She is my only friend.

I want to cut myself, I want to bleed. I have nothing sharp enough to cut myself the way I want to. I could use some of the dull blades to draw out the blood. But this time I don't want the pain. If I wanted the pain I would take a cigareete to my arm to drive away the hurt inside. But what I want is to bleed, through the blood comes peace.

Oh, my dear friend... I am so sorry for you. I wish I was there to hold you till the pain goes away. Please don't hurt yourself, please, please. Keep venting, we're here for you.

Milla

Hunni, she's not your only friend, well I hope not otherwise I'm confused about what I am. And trust me all that the cutting is good for is more scars, that makes for hard explaining when you do find someone else. Which you will, dagnabbit! You have one of those magnetic personalities, you attract people to you, some good some bad. offers I don't have a hankie. Sorry. Have you tried other "therapy" things, I'm sure you have, but eh. Try painting, a'la Jackson Pollack, great stress relief. Just throw paint at a canvas, or posterboard or a wall even. Clay works too, just go and buy Play D'oh. Throw it, sculpt with it, just don't try to eat it, it doesn't taste that great. *raises hand* Tried it. Trust me. Put on some good metal, or hard core rock and thrash around a bit, works for me. Go out to a club and socialize. Find something that will take your mind off of things that is constructive. Not DEstructive. Have you thought of whittling??? Oh, oh, good one. Go and find a DDR machine, play a few rounds of DDR. Good exercise and you'll want to sleep afterwords (I always do). Sorry, I'm just trying to help, I hope you know that.

When I'm like that I can try listening to music or watching a film and taking lorazepam.
I don't want anyone else. Even if I could find a way to live without her, there is no-one else that would want me, I'm ugly, I am boring and I am painfully stupid: my brain has suffered through the depression. I am a failure.
I enjoyed working with clay and was reasonably good at it, but I don't have the oppertunity to do it anymore.
I can't go to a club. You forget I am fat, ugly, have no decent clothes and am nolonger the good dancer I was 4 years ago. Nor do I have the money.

I'm right back where I was 18 months ago.

Hunni, quoting my cousin Maya (3) "I loves you so much" it hurts me to see you like this. Not the bad kind... just the kind where I wish there was something substantial I could do to make you feel better. I do love you, you are a great friend, and I would like to be able to vent to you while I'm taking my college entrance exams this time next year.

Don't worry yourself.

I tend to worry, it's the one thing that I am really good at.

I'm sure that's not true

well I am really good at it. it's one of the few things that I do well.

I feel trapped and I feel ababndoned. I feel betrayed and I feel lost. I feel so many things and none of them good.
Do not worry about me. If I do try to kill myself I'll probably fail. Have all the previous times. If I don't try and kill myself I will hurt and hurt and hurt by I will be alive.

The hurt goes away, it really does. It takes time, but it does.

Suz and I had a relationship that lasted just a few days in 2002, it took me 6 months to get over it and I don't know how many cuts and suicide attempts!!!
This time we got together for about 9 months! Both thinking we were meant to be! Now she has changed her mind as I always new she would, because I am lame!
But this time the hurt will last.

Awww, hunni...