h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am bleeding. It5's not enough... not enough damage, hurt destroy puniish learn learen punish die die I hate you deserve to die hhate hate need something to burn with need control need to punish.. why am I this I hate you fat stupid unthinking, need to buurn, need some cigarettees
Can't hold it in going a way

The off-licence had shut before I got there, so no cancers.
Walking in the night did me some good as did trying to appear calm on the surface...
+ I've got a burning sensation that calming me from the salt in my cuts.
I think that works out at 1 year, one month, one week and one day between last self-harming and now. Not counting beating myself around the head when I lost a glove... Got a massive lump on my forehead from bashing against the wall tonight.
So yeah, um, that's what happens when I shrink and fade my clothes by being an idiotic f*ckwit that left them drying them at too high a temperature for too long a time in crappy washer/dryer when they were only slightly damp and could have been hung-up to air...

You have no idea how just typing that makes my blood boil.

Hope everyone was entertained.

Stop this now.

Everyone ruins clothes in the dryer, and loses gloves. I realise that it is tougher on you, being short on money, but it makes you no more stupid or f*ckwitted than any of us.

I can't count how many sweaters that are now too tight and short when they were once nicely loose fitting on me. And I haven't gained *that* much since I bought them... Not to mention how many of my wool sweaters have been ruined by my dear Husband. (And he threw his mobile in the washer last Sunday, how's that for stupid. Him being a doctor and all... should at least remember checking trouser pockets!)

So.

Take a deep breath. Forgive yourself. Again. Stop harming yourself for being human.

Would you blame me for messing my laundry up, or losing umbrellas and gloves all over? (I certainly hope not!) So why are you so unforgiving to yourself???

Sorry to hear things are tough, petal.

"I think that works out at 1 year, one month, one week and one day between last self-harming and now."

That's a good long time. And this is officially the most depressing month of the year, so I guess if you were gonna have a lapse, statistically speaking it would have been now. I'm sad to hear that you've been beating yourself up, but if the self-harm made you feel better, then it made you feel better.

"Walking in the night did me some good as did trying to appear calm on the surface..."

Walking seems to be a powerful medicine. I've got a RL friend with suicidal tendencies, who tells me that sometimes the only thing that stops him from topping himself is going for a walk. He says the very act of walking eventually seems to alter the balance of chemicals in his brain, and calms him down.

P.S. Nice new name.

They were some of my best fitting, best looking and most expensive clothes, but these are only factors...
It's the failure in personal responsibility that is the major factor, amongst others, the feeling of not being able to do even the most simple and mundane of tasks effectively. It's symptomatic of other, bigger failings...
And that's a trigger for self-harm - becoming suddenly keenly aware of all one's failings and the need to punish oneself for them.

I can't cope with new name, this confuses me; that's my particular hang up.

I have several friends who self harm & i don't know who i am dealing with here, scared to mention the old name in case it's a trigger.

But whatever; try & hang on in there & do damage limitation;scratch is better than cut & highly unlikely as it may seem right now, possibly tomorrow may be better.

We all have grossly evil times; i'm not particularly happy that my lover is rotting in a psychiatric clinic & seemingly getting NO F**king useful help whatsoever; all we can do is try & support each other. And have been told "Abandon him, he needs to feel real pain before he can recover" Like as hell will i abandon him. Creeps haven't a clue. I want to scream about this approach.

The "system" stinks at times & i am bloody furious. At the end of the day, i reckon hootoo & RL friends are far more bloody useful.

Whatever, whoever, i may not know who but i care OK? It's a tendril to cling to maybe.



zdt

Hello m'dear.
Is the name upsetting or do you just not know who I am? [Kam.]

You don't sound terribly cheerful yourself.
I wouldn't dare to opine on your relationship, I know even less about it than those French quacks.

From my own life.
Suz breaking up with me was the best possible thing she could have done for herself.
And despite the pain and stuff it was probaly the best thing she was able to do for me.

As for last night - I'm fine now.

Scratching take more control than I had at the time and wouldn't have done the damage I 'needed' at the time, I wasn't self-harming as an alternative to suicide or to make the emotional pain go away as I have in the past, I was quite pschoticaly doing it as a punitive, destructive measure against myself.

*just s everyone*

I was pretty sure it was you but wanted to be certain!

Good that you seem to have things under control more.

No, i'm not in best of spirits myself it must be said; supposed BF in psychiatric clinic & he's just informed me there's a possiblity he/me/we might have Aids. Almost certainly a cruel wind up but not nice really is it?

zdt

Aids. A frightening word. But only possibility for now. And not a death sentence today.Keep m'dear.

I've been empty and repressed and in denial of the pain, the hollow the self-loathing etc for a few weeks now. Hence the snapping into sudden bouts of self-destruction, twice.
Talking about the co-dependecy in CBT will make me feel like I'm doing something about myself, it'll give me some control.

I can relate to that very much, just realising some aspects of co-dependency that aren't very pretty; he's stuck in there & this is last ditch attempt to control via remote control; not nice.

My crime it seems was to care about him. This bit hurts, it really, really hurts.

Ho hum, deep breaths, carry on. Best way i have found of getting over this crap is to think of others & get involved in trying to support them; maybe Mother Teresa syndrome backfires at times, but often it doesn't & somebody somewhere might feel better. Which makes you feel better too.

zdt

allround. Harsh news Terri, I hope it is just a scare