The Joys Of Natch (And Why You Should NEVER Take Someone Else's Natch)

A Natch is a memetically modified symbiotic creature which aids in expressing feelings of superiority, knowledge and similar concepts. This creature was initially a derivative of the meme "Naturally", but it has diverged.

It is strange in that it inhabits two to three seperate parts of the human body simultaneously; the brain, your fingertips and (in some cases) your vocal chords. It sustains itself through the expression of joy, but is easily taken (or worse) by fiendish people who sully your triumph with low one-upmanship. When properly cared for, this shy and timid creature will grow strong and bring much glee. If ignored, it will whither and die.

Another key factor in natch deveopment is host brain chemistry. If most synaptic activity occurs in the left hemisphere, the natch will generally not thrive (though some hardier breeds survive in even the most calculating hosts). They generally prefer more "Right-side heavy" hosts, wallowing in the creative urges. I am attempting to better understand the natch, and so I conducted many experiments. Some of the results are startling.

For example, this creature is becoming extinct! The proportion who respect the natch have slowly been weened off by the awesome power of Cultural Pressure. New and annoying buzzwords (Such as "like, yeah?" and "You moron!") have decimated this gentle "happivore". Under the imaginoscope, they are beautiful and graceful, floating like multi-hued fluff in the psyche. They are in no way harmful, but it could be that this is their flaw; with no obvious defence mechanisms, I thought there was no hope.

But I was surprsed yet again! A few natch variants had evolved capital letters and exclamation marks. These new sub-species (Especially the NATCH!!!!!) proved nigh-impossible to defeat. Most other expressions had developed in a natch-free environment, so their decimation of the natch lead them to ignore their competitor. The NATCH!!!!! therefore came as a shock, allowing the gentler natch variants to flourish once again.

Thankfully, this allowed further study into the birth, life and death of the Natch. The Natch shares an unique quality with many other memetic creatures, in that it reproduces audially. When the Natch is spoken by a host organism, it may create cerebral vibrations, which may spawn a new Natch. This infant may get "washed around in the mouth" of this new host. It is a critical time; if the host is pleased, the Natch will start to intergrate itself, eventually becoming an intergrated part to a superior whole.

Society's Renewal

Have you ever considered that without the great bands of yesteryear (The Beatles, Queen, etc.), modern performers wouldn't have any songs to sing? But seriously, society is turning to the past for every cultural aspect. If this continues, our leaders may revert to a previous mindset and either turn into the next Adolf Hitler or change our country back into a feudal society with us as the peasants. Clearly, we must stop this alarming trend. Suggestions?

Advance Wars I and II

The Advance Wars games are turn-based strategy titles which I find fun.

Hiding In The Opensmiley - huh

One of the most important skills in this hectic life is how to hide. Unfortunately, there is often nothing to hide behind. I offer to teach what I invented, over the course of about, oh, half a minute, on hiding in the open (Incidentally, if you find something doesn't work, or something else that does work, tell me. Actually, don't bother. I don't really care, to be honest!).

Step One- Acting Inconspicuously

This important skill may be the most important, which is why I've called it Step One. Mastery of Step One is not important for learning the other Steps.1

Step One A)- Blend In With The Sheep

Seriously, if you need to hide in a hurry, and it seems like there is nowhere to hide; look for a crowd. If you resemble a normal person, then you have little to worry about. If you don't, then this becomes a lot harder for you. However, I may still be able to help you...

Step One B)- Dress Sense (Look, Use The Farce...)

Basically, you must blend into crowds. It is much harder to be seen if you blend in, as all your pursuers have to go on is your face, which will probably be obscured. As a former school-goer, I find school uniform suffices in school2. In the middle of town, non-descript, non-designer clothes work wellFor example: If you are look between 17-25 years old: jeans, a T-shirt, a lightweight jacket and trainers- spring/summer; a warm coat/jumper, thick trousers and trainers- autumn/winter. If you look between 30-50 years old: The above list plus a suit, suitcase, black shoes, umbrella (If raining)- all year round. If you're in a nudist colony... Well, guess..

Step One C)- Knowing How To Move

Here's some pointers:
  • Do not hide behind every little scrap of cover. You might look like a stalker, and trying to hide from the police too doesn't help. Try to use cover only when you need to change between crowds.
  • Do not run like a bat out of hell. Move with a crowd wearing similar attire at a similar speed. Also, don't walk the other way in a crowd of people- against the flow is a certified no-no.

Step Two- Utilising What Little Cover You Have

This directly contradicts one of the points I just mentioned, doesn't it? Well, actually, what I mean by Utilising What Little Cover You Have is that if it's there, and it's not totally obvious3 that you want to use it as cover, then use it.

Step Two A)- Finding Cover

It's pretty obvious what constitutes cover normally4, but you aren't usually near a bunker in the open 5. Now, the key skill is saying to yourself 6: "What is there?" For example, you're in the middle of a shopping centre. What do you see? Lots of people. What do you do? Find any that are taller than you, and use them as cover.7

1But it is important for Hiding In The Open2That is only if you are under the age of 16. I'm not, I now go to college, and apparently anything goes!3Or up to 25% obvious, if you're really good.4Don't listen, it's not. Not at all.5If you are, then you're in a warzone, and you're going to need to read faster (in the bunker, preferably)6Not out loud, obviously7If you're a tall person, try not needing to hide in the open, OK?


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