h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You jammy bugger. I'm tired, but tings nearly finished. What you up to tonight. Han is coming over to chill tommorow, so we can have a cheap pissy one tonight, if you like. Now, please respond to the following request.

1)Find out the name of that lesbian russian girl band

2)Send me a joke, and I mean a good one.

3)Leave the website alone you plank! (Jus kiddin')

4)Log into our mp3.com account and see if the tunes are up


Cheers ta

It was a wet rather than white Christmas for Hertfordshire Highways staff.

Flooding caused by exceptionally heavy rainfall resulted in their being busier than usual over the festive season. Extra staff were called in, and some worked 24 hours non-stop from New Year’s Eve to New Year’s Day to deal with the most severe problems.

The southern part of the county, from the Essex border to Watford was the most affected.

Altogether 1,160 highways problems were reported between December 30 and January 3. They included 322 flooded carriageways, 35 flooded footways, 4 flooded subways, 25 properties damaged by flooding and ten fallen trees.

Yes, and don't you forget it.

Roll on lunch!

That girl from friday rang me last night and wants to meet up. Dun tink I want to.

What U up to?

The usual - not much. d'you get the text about my naughty behaviour.
Needless to say that I will enjoy my extra money this coming weekend, It'll pay for my petrol for the weekend. Nah-digga!

What a b****d of a morning

What's for lunch, old bean.

Want to pop into the library if poss, but up to you!

Tchuss!

Why can't I unsubscribe from this conversation?Surely I don't hate myself that much?

I have little or no idea who you might be, but have no doubt that you utterly despise yourself. You are, after all, a bit of a wally. ahahahahahah

Nodody asked your opinion.Believe!

Library?!?! Pah! Got to take a few bits and pieces back and then shall cruise and relaxe for lunch.

Kindly stop hi-kacking threads Lady Lowestoft. (Hahaha) Did you see what I did there?)

Lady Lowena - proto-fascist extraordinaire! Barking your orders indeed.


Great Ceaser! Relax but for a few moments from your travailles. You need to chill and stop your stresses you silly army-ant. What are you up to this evening? Also, did you hear the new song I recorded? I posted it on the wob-suit in a zipped up format as it did actually compress quite significantly. It is the first of the Double Garage variety. A bit messy in places, which is why I ask for your kindly advice and cooperation in mastering the track, perhaps with the addition of some synths or otherwise some choice samples.

I leave it in your capable hands. The file (zipped) is 2.6MB, and unzipped is about 4.2MB. Text me or post here if you have any initial ideas.

Am I to understand that you want me to collaberate on this track over the magic of the super-drainway, or that you will be driving me home and fetching my tea. I am ready to drop some excrta-heavy beats, old bean!

Fetching your tea?? You old lady can do that for you, isn't it. May as well. I can't be doing with going home and coming out again of an evening as it costs me too much in petroleum.

If you's wants to chill'um for a while, t'sounds good. Though, my bro has borrowed Amelie off a friend and I may have to pop home for my dindins and a good fil'um at a reasonable hour.

May have to glance by Teskies or some other proprietor of beverage to soothe my achey brakey throat first.

Peace and manges toutes

Fritz Guppelhenger

I saw you got a message from that hiphophomie laddie, is he still making good music or is it all boomboom rubbish. Council House indeed!

Yes, yes. I saw your old man this morning at the petrol station as I sauntered into work fashionably late (as per same old same old). Top knotch fella, yeah. Buying 4 copies of the Daily Sport though. I couldn't help wondering. Yeah.

OK chops, how's work treating you this morning? You gots to delegate the responsibilities. If you pick up the phone right (I have found) you can hang up on the caller in one fluid movement with a tiny tap of the earpiece, it is a good way off getting a breather.

Work calls though. I have been e-mailed a letter and I have to print it out. Oh well...

Canaan Banana says 'I like to bumf my way throught all these important meetings. Nine. Nein. Noon.'

Hey son,

Remember yesterday, when I was snowed under? We are another admin man down on that, so the situation is just s***e. Want a bit of a healthy lunch today ,as I'm gwine to the gym tonight wit Cream:t~

Lets go watch some scum
At half one

Roads!

No way Saan Quentin. I cannae dae it. Got's to stay here until 2.30 or maybe laters before I get my daily parole.

I am fighting not to fall asleep at the moment, though I'll get a good hour and a half's kip from 1.00. Rap.

Then again this probably won't be visible until about 3.00 in the afternoon as the pre-moderation process seems to have stalled, otherwise they are trying to smite me, H2G2's resident James Dean for my 'tremendously rebellious' behaviour.

I'm going to write the biggest post you've ever seen. I'm going to continue adding to this post for as long as I can be bothered with my thoughts on the world, life, work etc. until it forms a not-so free flowing mini-essay of my brain vomit.

Anyway, ooh, it's busy and exciting here. Some shoddy administrator has gone and told the localities young mums to come in on the wrong day. Ahahaha. They can sort out their own blinking mess, that's what I says. Naaaa!

I get's to thinking, we should start work on that film project. When I say film, I mean TV programme. I think your mother hit the nail on the head with her suggestion of 'See What The Tall Man Can Do'. I genuinely believe that there is a field of unmined potential in that title alone. It may not necessarily be the informative show as she may or may not have intended, but nevertheless there exists trmendous potential there.

See What The Tall Man Can Do - He can do things that most other people are physically capable of, but he does things that are just plain weird and stupid. Not like Jackass or Trigger Happy, but genuinely strange. The Tall Man can give firemen's lifts to a pair of nuns at the same time, hoisting them to such a height that they become utterly disorientated and admit the truth about the Catholic Church whatever that may be with hilarious consequences.

The Tall Man can create dozens and dozens of flying chrome spheres with blades and drills which fly at tremendous speed and kill people, so that they can be turned into a slave race of dwarves, transported to a different dimension through a giant set of tuning forks to commit the treacherous deeds of the Tall Man. Was this already done in the film Phantasm? What about Phantasm 2, 3 or 4 come to think of it? Back to the drawing board on that one.

Houston Saro-Wiwa Have A Problem has still got to be an option if nothing else.

Wracking my brains trying to think of more.

What about an asian political urban music programme called Jong-Ill'ist Mao'ssive? Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Ill presents a round-up of the latest Jungle and Drum and Bass that is tearing up the local scene whilst delivering subversive ragga-chats about the benefits of a planned economic system over the mixed economy, or the unregulated free market system that the Capitalist World Economy is seemingly headed for.

The programme features a small picture of the father of Chinese communism, Chairman Mao in the top lefthand corner, whom the viewer is implored to salute and call 'Comrade' if in agreement with the music and views.

'Barry White Shaved My Wife' Presented by Jeremy Beadle, made up using prosthetic equipment to look like Barry White runs amok through the streets of Dagenham with a disposable ladyshave. Barry White (Beadle) runs up to frail pensioners and shaves their heads and euyebrows whilst their astonished spouses look on.

Using hidden cameras, the viewer can then see the fallout as the pensioner enters the local police station and informs the Duty Sergeant that 'Barry White, shaved my wife...', much hilarity ensues as the policeman unleashes a string of bizzaro questions. Will the pensioner twig that PC Penk isn't in fact a member of Her Majesty's Constabulary, but in fact popular mirth-maker Steve Penk from Capital FM?

'What's Better, Knight Or Day?' Gladys Knight and Darren Day star in competitive debating programme. Each have the enenviable task of convincing Rev. Ian Paisley and his Ulster Unionists that the other one's argument is better than their own in this reconcilliatry debating chamber.

Week One - Will Gladys Knight convince the Ulster Unionists that Darren Day's claims that 'horses are better at golf than women are at driving' or will they believe her claims that 'France doesn't exist and that Africa is smaller than a barn'. Who knows? Who cares?

Right, I'm getting dead bored now. You are on your lunch break and I have been writing this for ages already. None of it probably makes sense, but I'll be amned if I'm going to read through all this bumph again. Your probably wondering where this waffle is heading, aren't you.

Could he be cutting and pasting this in from some report he is writing at the moment, or is he actually this bored an devoid of work to do that he can in fact sacrifice hours and hours of his time in to writing this long a rambling rubbish. Ahahahaha. I am that bored. I am.

Next on the agenda? Why do vegetarians do the most noxious 'trumps'. Am I allowed to say fart or will I get slapped across the wrists? Oh well. My evidence is based on the 4 or 5 vegetarians I know. I say 4 or 5 because one of them eats poultry, he doesn't class them as animals because he claims that they are too silly and are better off eaten than allowed to suffer for another day in squalid conditions, festering in their own poo-juices in battery farms. He won't eat free range, because they have had happy lives and wouldn't appreciate being eaten in their prime.

Personally, I will only eat animals that have died of natural causes, such as old age, strokes, heart attacks or cancer. I will not eat any mange-riddled meat, dead of BSE, foot and mouth or chargrilled on a Devon pyre. No Siree, I will not do that. I also have adopted some of the ethics of Judaism in to my diet. I don't eat Kosher food, but I will not eat pigs. When I say pigs, I more specifically mean pork chops. Absolutely revolting, or at least the way I always seem to get them. Bacon's fantastic though. A nice big old bagel smothered with marmite and filled with great greasy wodges of bacon. Oh yes.

Where was I? Vegetarians, they can really let rip can't they! Fit a turbine to their backsides, a pilot light and a cage for a canary and we have a solution to this whole fossil-fuel quandry. The idea has been around for donkey's years, but has no doubt been surpressed by the multi-national companies getting rich off old dead bones and leaves and twigs and things which burn and release air-borne poisons and toxins.

I personally have always thought that it makes no sense to kill your own customers. Take my local bakers, for example. When I buy a french stick off them, they don't lace it with arsenic or stab me in the head with a knife. Why then do cigarette manufacturers and all manner of factories pour crap into the atmosphere, it makes no sense. Take their moeny and kill them, or take their money, bid them a good day and let them go out and earn more money to consume still further. This capitalism malarkey has got it well and truly wrong, I tell's you.

So, the vegetarians are carrying the fate of our delicate eco-systems and the quality of life of our childrens, all they have to do is blow into the bag. Is it too much to ask? The non-veggies are making sure that the global menace that is 'animals' don't get any big ideas about starting any uprising and taking control of our planes, houses and cities, what are the veggies doing to help? Laying waste to our pretty pretty trees and fields, that is what. Eating the food that helps our meat to grow big and strong and fight off fever, BSE and foot and mouth.

You want someone to blame? Blame the vegetarians, that's who.

And so endeth todays sermon, because I can't be bothered to carry on another second. I am that disgusted with the world we live in.

You are an absolute idiot.

How can you possibly justify spending so long on a non-work related task.

I would have a longer go at you, but I have to get back to work

(Slurp......ssssssssluuuuuurpppp........lick.......sluuuuurrp

You dunderhead, that's nothing, I'm going to write 10000 words next time. Just you wait...

That was only about 1400, there. It was all true though, every last word of it. The truth, that's all I say.

What d'you think of the TV programmes though, I am so keen to get the ball rolling on the 'Jong-ill'ist Mao-ssive' and 'Barry White Shaved My Wife' projects. We just need to get the boy Penk on board.

Shhhh, i'm trying to work!

I went on mp3.com at lunch and we are still not approved!

I think we may have to face the fact that we are, indeed, to crap even for MP3.com

Ratzenburger!

You went home for lunch? You big floppy fringe of a man. What were you thinking? Stop slacking, you workloving sone of a singers?

I think maybe, the account hasn't been set up properly, when I did my old one there was alot of stuff to input to create the page so that songs could be put up. Failing that we need to contact them. There is no such thing as 'too crap' for MP3.com by all accounts, they'll put anything up!

Windsor!!!

I visit http://www.bbc.co.uk/ and he's there. Staring back at me. You know who. The one who has been stalking me. It's enough to make one paranoid. Jeez. If you don't see what I mean, you are either

a) well stupid, incredibly so, you know what I mean??
or b) not being shown this picture http://www.bbc.co.uk/home/images/main_promo/radio1/timo_maas_e5d3ce_r_1.jpg