Journal Entries
Feedback loop
Posted May 18, 2008
Is it really true we want the most the things we can't have? I did think about just leaving this Journal at that really, because I think thats probably as much sense as I'm going to make of that question.
I'm not sure I'm going to say anything especially profound with this journal, but I felt I had to say something, because something is eating me and I can't quite explain it.
There are some people we connect with on a level that you can't quite explain, sometimes they're people we'll never meet like through a book, or a song, or a poem. And sometimes you're fortunate to meet these people in real life, and then you're duty bound to do something about that. But what? How do you plan to do something about something you can't explain? And its like that... a feeback loop, in my head.
And too often when I'm faced with people like this I can't do anything. Its like the part of my brain responsible for dealing with this has been ripped out and sent floating in space. Like any broken piece of machinary you repair it, you fix it up the best you can, usually involving sticky tape, string and some glue. But the other parts of my brain still struggle to juggle all this information.
See for a while I thought it was just a matter of experience, I'd figure it all out eventually, but I'm disturbingly coming to the conclusion that it might be more than that.
I'm sure this will be jibberish to most people. I'm quite obviously able to communicate, I'm extremely lucky that I have all five of my senses functioning at a fairly reasonable level (although burning my tongue earlier in the year seems to have slightly effected one of them), but its like I'm missing some sixth sense that many (if not most) other people have. Its like I have a pre-programmed set of things I can say and I can function as a normal human being with these, but beyond that, if I have to get closer to someone its like I don't have the words. They're just not there. But its like my brain is screaming out for someone to stop that torture, to plug in whatever thing that needs to be plugged in and let that part of my brain work.
I try to explain it to people and they tend not to want to know. And the annoying thing is on the inside I know there are so many fantastic things I can say to people, if I could just put a mike to my head and let my brain just send out these thoughts, people would understand.
I have met a handful of people who seem to understand me, but even then I'm not entirely sure I can express to them what they mean to me. Well if I never put it anywhere else, and even if they never see this, they mean the world to me.
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Latest reply: May 18, 2008
"Time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe... women..."
Posted Mar 5, 2008
That quote is from the second of the Back to the Future films, and roughly conveys how I feel about women at the moment. See I'm a guy who likes to think too much. Which in one sense is brilliant, great, I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't. But in one sense it is very bad. Bad bad bad bad bad.
See I appear to have a problem, and roughly speaking it is this : I don't think I'm ugly (not Charles Atlas either, but hey who is? - Charles Atlas I suppose), and have got dates on occasion. And I have friends who are women who really appreciate my depth and ability to talk about virtually any subject. Which on the surface of things would suggest that I should have no problems with women... no no no no no! no! Sadly it appears that there is another little trick up the sleeve of dating culture... and that essentially the merry little dance you have to perform if you wish to woo any women who you could see you spending your future with. Everything that your future romantic life comes down to revolves around talking crap for an hour or so...
Its funny because I meet people (specifically women) in general who I can have fantastic really close engaging conversations with, which bypass that whole crap you have to go through... but you see the universe - and that great ether that seems to enjoy messing about with us - doesn't want you to be with that person cos 9.999999 (to infinity) out 10 times that person is already in a very very very (permanantly slammed shut, with cast iron bolts on it) close relationship with some tosser. And that tosser was very good at talking crap.
And this is where I think things are going wrong people. That women keep going on that they can't meet good guys, its because they're only interested in the guys who can lie their posteriors off. The guys who have spent years lying so well, that genuine guys have to become liars themselves... which makes them liars too... and the cycle is complete... and erm.... mwahahaha (or words to that effect)
And its really annoying me. Because when you're in a relationship, you don't about any of the crap you do when you first meet - so why do you want to go through all that in the first place?
I dunno maybe I'm just looking at all this from the wrong angle. See I like to talk about the universe and think about things, about what the world is like. And I feel like I'm so unique in that, and occasionally - just occasionally - I come across a woman who actually finds just talking about Shoes and Corronation Street boring, and wants to talk about how the universe works and how to solve all the worlds problems... but then that woman has been in a very long term relationship which probably started when they first started thinking about relationships, and some tosser who'd figured out the rules early had gone in and firmly took said woman off the so called market.
See this culture we live in, I fear, destroys any motivation to want to talk about real issues - because being deep, or thinking too much isn't a good thing. See I don't even consider myself a nerd... my interests are so varied it surprises me! And I don't think you have to be a nerd or geek or which ever one it is, to appreciate the wide array of variety that is life, to want to add or improve it. I also do think its important to take care of yourself in that respect. I'm not goth or emo... or whatever, I seem to exist in this uncategorised state of people - and I guess maybe my biggest problem of all, because everyone is afraid of the unknown. Maybe I should just stop thinking... thanks for listening Big Brother...
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Latest reply: Mar 5, 2008
My Journal
Posted Feb 7, 2008
Its funny when I first started putting things in this journal, I'd never heard of blogs before. I'm not entirely sure if anyone had if I'm honest, I don't know when the term first came in to popular culture.
But anyway what I've been posting here since I started basically constitutes as a blog - and I didn't even know it. And thats essentially how I've finally come to look at this space. I mean H2G2 is an interesting kind of hark back to the old days of the Internet when there were precious few people on the Internet (I found the Internet in 1998, incendently, and it does feel quite different now - probably because it was all new back then).
But its a strange feeling putting your thoughts on the Internet. Its like sticking a large bit of paper on notice boards that everybody is going to read... although a more appropriate analogy would probably be the feeling of getting e-mails and only reading the bits that interest you.
I mean I do it, I get too many e-mails a day in work. And on certain days I don't get time to read them all. So I prioritise. And I suppose I, like many others, do the same with h2g2. Nothing personal, more self protection from going mad through reading everything 
.
Which leads me to another subject... my brain. I've always thought there was something wrong with me. I always felt a little bit out of phase with the universe. Like my clock ticks to a different rhythm to everyone else. But apparently everyone feels like that. Its weird thinking about that, because everyone feels like they want to fit in, yet no one quite does. The western world - and thats increasingly probably including the rest of the world - does feel a little odd. That people aren't quite looking at the world right. Like we're not capable of thinking for ourselves... maybe most of us never have been.
But thats where I think I am actually different. Because I do think about things. Things that most people probably don't want to think about. Not sick things, or disturbing things, because my mind doesn't work like that. But uncomfortable thoughts about how the world works, stuff that most people don't like to think about. Stuff that blows most peoples minds, I find fascinating. And I don't know why. Because most people are quite happy going on with their lives until they snuff it. But I want to know why we can't go on forever. I think maybe we can... but requires people to look at the world differently. Not as a world just from an observational point of view, but a world which we experience. And that sounds like a sound bite, which I don't want. Its like you learn how to walk by experiencing it. You want to do it because you see other people doing it, but you actually can't just walk. You have to experience it. And I think thats the same with life. And no I'm not talking about taking drugs or smoking, because maybe thats part of some peoples experience, but its not integral to the experience of life - or at least I don't think it should be. Not if you want to really make a difference.
The human body is an amazing thing, and we interact with the world and the great ether in such a fascinating way, and I think all the tools we need to do literally ANYTHING is already there, without help, we just need to learn how to use them. I mean if people from anywhere in the world can read this, when only a couple hundred years ago it would have been nigh impossible for me to get a message much further than my street (without causing a riot ), then maybe anythings possible. Thanks for reading.
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Latest reply: Feb 7, 2008
A call to arms of sorts - save the Guide!
Posted Nov 19, 2007
Inspired by Jodans remarks here : F113808?thread=4797077 , I am making my own Journal entry. I'll let you read that if you're so moved to do so, but I would like to lift one quote from that :
"This journal is not an effort to convince people in my vision, which has been fairly well belabored and unsubscribed from elsewhere. It is a call to action. If you have an inkling that the direction of the Edited Guide is wrong, if you've ever felt excluded by a certain set of standards in the Edited Guide, if you've ever been too intimidated to confront the less logical aspects of Peer Review and its process, if you feel that h2g2 has to be its own site, then I am calling for you to take arms and make a difference."
And with that I am making a stand to try and change the way things work around here. I don't know what kind of crowd I'm pulling to this gig these days, but I feel it is at least my duty to pass on my own thoughts.
H2G2 is in trouble and I think in order to get it out we all need to make a stand and make the Guide what we want it to be. As a community we need to change the way Peer Review works, and in my book that partly means getting more unconventional Scouts, opening up the Guidelines to allow more stylised entries.
I have already entered something to Peer Review which I consider to be a bit more "out-there" in an effort to stretch the Guide, and hope to add more. But I'm now writing this in a hope that others will take Jodan's and others lead (I've seen at least two other similar Journals to this other than mine and Jodans), and we see a general kind of spread of these grow like rabbits across the whole of H2G2.
But as Jodan has said I would recommend you do whatever you feel your strengths give best. Whether that be writing something about this for the Post, The UnderGuide, in your conversations, and just generally get it about. Because as much as we may have had issues with the Edited Guide before, this is our opportunity to say we truely own our own Edited Guide, and that it represents us as a community.
Thanks for reading. 
Discuss this Journal entry [9]
Latest reply: Nov 19, 2007
Terry Horowitz - The last episode of the 168 Saga
Posted Jun 13, 2007
Well thats it folks. I've finally done it. I have actually finished the story I started writing over 5 years ago. Part 13 of the second half of the 168 Greatest Story saga will finish on Thursday.
I don't normally announce anything these days about stuff that I'm putting in the post, but this is kind of an end of an era. I originally did 21 parts to the first part of the saga, and there are 13 parts in the latest saga, leaving me with 34 parts - almost a book! I have no idea what the word count is, but its must be fairly big!
The last part is a little bit of an adventure in its own right, and I don't want to tell you anything about it, because its better if you read it. But it contains the words, "Fire", "42" (well the numbers) and "universe".
So thats it... I don't know how many still read my journal, its been such a long time since I've done anything on it! But its kind of a relief to get to the end of the story - and it ends on Thursday! I never could get the hang of Thursdays...
Discuss this Journal entry [17]
Latest reply: Jun 13, 2007
Terran
Researcher U201249
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