h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I know you are wondering what it is that has come to my attention this month. What is it that has made darakat "pissed" this month? What could it be you wonder as you continue to read in faked anticipation. Come on darakat write the dam entry!
Well this month I have constructed a MANIFESTO!
Yes that right a MANIFESTO!
Ok only kidding it is April fools after all. No I am sorry peoples my manifesto has been put on continuous hiatus until such time that I find the file (Whoops!) So we go up the list to:

What would darakat do if he lead a major religion?

Well first of all there is no way I would lead a major religion, but in the off chance and for the sake of an argument the rant is rather short if i just say I wouldn't do it. Because we all know that I dam well would. I would lead a major religion and I would run it as the following:

Saints or other ordained holy dead people:
I would announce a hole new range of saints starting with patron saint of Australia (Mabo) and a patron saint of Cheese (Wallace) as well as one for Computers (Ada Byron Lovelace) and a patron saint of due drops on women's breasts (Madonna of course) (well you have to have one stupid one!). These saints would be the first sign that they really didn't elect the right guy.

Holy Books and so on:
All holy books would be announced as being corrupt adaptations of the real version and the new book should be Donald A Norman's "Design of Everyday Things" its quick, contain rules that should always be followed, has picture and even has a in the beginning and a in the end. Everything a good holy book should have. This would be the second thing that would really piss the guys who voted me in off.

Good Deeds:
I would announce that all good deeds are the work of god in human hands and therefor the most holy thing a human can do. This will subsequently reduce the amount of good deeds by people who hate me and increase the number of good deeds for people who love me. It would however be a career saving move. Various people would debate over what a "good deed" was,

Miracles:
Unlike my forbears I will purposefully perform as many tacky and stupendously big events as possible in front of as many people as possible. Entry would be free and of course no person should miss out on my esteemed act. If this makes me a nice easy target all the better because I will miraculously be waring armor plating and miraculously kill the assassin with logic alone (and a well placed hired sniper). I would place myself more as a movie star than a holy leader giving me more public support than any previous holy guy and therefore making it hard to remove me.

Giving things away:
Of course unlike the elitist life I live now in the comfort of my large house in the middle of middle class suburban city of Australia, I will live in a forrest, in a hut, and will only come out for my events. I will sell all major useless possessions of the church and donate as much of this money to people in africa, northern australia, south america and anywhere else that needs a lot of money. I will also claim that banks are the devils work in human form, that the right wing governments are lying when they say they have a economic policy (have you ever seen one? I haven't. They claim to have one but where is it?) and that society is where the problems lie in most countries, the Rich are far to rich, the poor are far to poor, and ask all people who think they are real religious types to help there gods work and donate as much as they can allow to the humanitarian cause. A large amount of this work will go ignored by the majority of the rich bastards, but thats why there rich bastards buy ignoring anything that hasn't got $$$ after it or before it.

Finally
I would retire from my post at age 42, exactly on that day and hour and minute and second. When I retire I return to my boring life of solitary hermitage and then take a quick trip to Ohio and then off to Jupiter and then to mars via Io.

And here I was hoping you were starting a cult, but I guess revamping modern religion will have to do.

I'm surprised you missed out on the $3.95/minute forgiveness telephone line though.

I would have joined if it had have been a cult. I'm doing a lot of research into them. They sound like fun.

Nah I can't make a cult its to easy.

True.

Too true...

But it's so much fun though!1!

Not to mention profitable...

And the good thing about leading a cult is that the leader always commits suicide LAST. They'd never know if you chickened out or not.

I prefer the ones who built a lovely and rather luxurious mansion in Beverly Hills, to make a home for Christ, when he was to return. The priest now lives there, taking care of the house, and awaiting him...

Yes, but that's been done already. not that it isn't a good idea, but Darakat needs to step it up a notch if he's going to revamp religions/cults as we know them

Acourse, but you don't need to be original in order to profit from them...

I think he should stick with the same principles but maybe work in yellow spaceships and magic numbers.

Wow, I think you're definitely on to something there!

yeah like makeout that white mice are intelligent and the answer to life the universe ad everything is a number like 42... hang on a second....

That sounds familiar...

But profitable...

Either someone's true motives are being revealed, or he's learned a new vocabulary word...

No, I've just had an overdose of dilbert. And I'm in a repetitive mood...

Ah, Dilbert. Catbert rocks.