h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was listening to Mike Shannon and John Rooney, local announcers for the St Louis Cardinals baseball team, who were on-the-air the other night for the match-up against the Red Birds’ arch rivals, the Chicago Cubs. Shannon is usually the more boisterous of the two broadcasters, but Rooney was getting worked up, as well, because the Cubs were far out-pacing the Cards by the fifth inning. Rooney matter-of-factly attributed it to the Cubs’ pitcher, Carlos Silva, who’d run a no-hitter up to that point. Shannon, on the other hand, kept going on about the Cubs’ Mike Fontenot, who’d scored with two triples early in the game, a feat not seen on any field in several decades.

Shannon: I guess Tony La Russa (the Cardinals’ manager) is getting tired of the trouncing. He's called for a change-up before the start of the sixth inning.
Rooney: Seems he's pulled out pitcher Kyle McClellan and catcher Jason LaRue and replaced them with a pair of surprise entrants.
Shannon: Stepping out to the mound now is... Who ~is~ that?
Rooney: He's dressed in a Red Chinese jacket with a white cardinal emblazoned on it. Odd little black pillbox skullcap, instead of a Cards baseball cap. I do believe it's Emperor Chien-Ming, from the first century.
Shannon: Talk about your time travel paradoxes! And look who just hunkered down behind the plate! That's Albert Einstein! I'd recognize the wiry white hair anywhere.
Rooney: He's wearing a tatty red cardigan with a more traditional Cardinals logo, as he slips on his catcher's mask. This man is renowned for his mathematical prowess, his theory of relativity, and his dissertations on wormholes in space.
Shannon: I sure hope he can put some of that knowledge into practice here at Busch Stadium tonight! What a great American player--
Rooney: Actually, he was born in Wurtemburg, Germany, Mike. He spent most of his years in Switzerland, only moving to the States in 1940.
Shannon: Doesn't matter, John; he's on home turf tonight!
Rooney: Well... Let's see if La Russa's strategy with the Emperor and Einstein as the team anchors works out...

Oh, it did. With Emperor Chien-Ming's zeal and cunning pitching, and Einstein's use of relativistic effects he signaled to the mound, they managed to run a complete shut-out game from then to the end. The Cardinals added consistently to their score, while the Cubs first faltered, then came apart at the seams. Shannon and Rooney were both jubilant as they finished off the play-by-play.

Shannon: What a great night of baseball here at Red Birds stadium! What an upset, as the Cards came from behind to send the Cubs back to the woods with there stubby little tails between their legs! Who would have guessed it! How'd they pull it off?
Rooney: Well, Mike, you've got to remember that ~every~ time the Cubs came to bat, they had to deal with a Ming and a Swiss...
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B4someonedecides2utilizeabatasacudgel

*wipes eyes* Very funny!

Thanks, B4, I needed that.

Speaking of Mike Shannon, have you ever eaten at Shannon's? They have steaks to die for. And the baseball memorabilia in the restaurant is more droolworthy than the food.

Haven't set foot in a Shannon's.
Haven't even been in a Dick's.

We don't get over to StL as often as we'd like, and when we do, we usually let our No. 1 son do the cooking, as he's got The Knack for it. Such cuisine he makes...

B4ischeduleanothervisitjustsocanenjoyhautecuisine

I don't get up there as often as I'd like, either. And when I do, there's no one to cook for me. Eating out has become a problem for me since I have developed so many food problems. I have to choose a restaurant where I can get "proper" food, which means paying a lot more.

Lots of places literally have nothing on the menu that is safe for me to eat. Everything contains wheat in one form or another. They'll even ruin something simple like french fries by dusting them with flour to keep them separated in the fryer. They ruin their salads by rinsing the greens in sulfite solutions. They use pre-packaged seasonings and have no idea what's in them. Folks who have to avoid certain foods and additives are considered a nuisance when we ask about ingredients. It's easier for me to just not go out these days.

MURDER AT WALMART


Tired of constantly
Being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided
To solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife
With himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the
Name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
Snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The
Husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any
Cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie
Insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
His wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the
Dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few
Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded
To strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
Drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
Department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
Leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to
Strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security
Cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
Called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
the store.


Under intense
Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,
Including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband
Who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the
Newspaper, the headline declared...


'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'


Oh, quit
Groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped
Friends and then send it on to you.

This from my mother-in-law, apologies if you've already seen it:

BBQ RULES
We'll be entering the BBQ season in a few months . Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed
reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!