h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.rathergood.com/ramblings.html




The Perfect Crime
I am weary of my life of drudgery, and have hence resolved to undertake a cunning and dastardly scheme in order to be extremely rich and lazy. I am, in short, going to steal the crown jewels.

How, you may ask, do I propose to half-inch these well defended national treasures?

Recently I have been spending my spare time in a secret laboratory buried under a field in Cheadle Hume. Here, I have assembled a programme of experiments in the trainage of animals which has enabled me to produce a horde of genetically modified leaf-cutter ants. These will troop undetected to the display cases in the Tower of London, where they will bite small pieces of toughened glass off and carry them away much as they would do with leaves in the wild. When a suitably large hole has been chewed in the defences, my ninjitsu-proficient spider monkey troupe will scratch a hole in the ceiling and, by linking their prehensile tails like hooks, lower one down to pilfer the goodies. While they are in this admittedly vulnerable position of mutual danglage, highly aggressive gibbons will stand guard on the roof. Once the malevolent menagerie have completed their zoological heist, the monkeys will bound back to my high-technology armoured bunker in Bishops Stortford, from whence I will cruise off into the sunset a very rich man.

All of these animals will then, or in the event of capture, eat themselves alive from the feet up leaving no evidence for the boys in blue.

*Mr Burns type*


Excellent

heres another.






Squirrel Shoot

Squirrel shooting is a very popular sport, but any prospective squirrel shooter must be aware of the dangers.

Firstly: NEVER GO OUT HUNTING SQUIRRELS ALONE. Squirrels are very aggressive beasts, and many a sportsman has been gored by a charging squirrel, so fire support from friends is a necessity. Also, remember to have some serious firepower with you- to take a squirrel down safely, you will need at least a sustained burst from a Light Machine Gun.

The picture below is from a squirrel shoot conducted in October 1989 on the plains of the Serengeti, and shows a perfect example of a properly outfitted safari group.



Remember: SAFETY FIRST.

NB- Notice that this Bull Squirrel has taken a full magazine of military grade Full Metal Jacket rounds and is still nonchalantly smoking a cigar

Damm!
I dont have full access at the moment,

Have to wait til later to explore this site

I'll wait untill I've got sound.

... more?




Wa-heey! Everybody loves games! Here are some suggestions to help you while away those boring afternoons in a constructive manner:

It's All Fun Till Someone Loses An Eye

This is a game for any number of players of any age.

You will need one kitchen blender, a number of small dense objects such as coins, some sellotape and a light switch.

The small dense objects are taped to the revolving base of the blender, with the food container removed. All the players then stand around the blender, with their eyes open, and scream "I am not afraid of you" at the appliance. Then, simultaneuosly, the light should be turned off and the blender turned on, sending the objects flying around the room at great velocity at head height.

The object of the game is to not lose an eye.

It's All Fun Till Someone Falls Off A Cliff

It's All Fun Till Someone Falls Off A Cliff is a game for any number of players of any age.

You will need two adjacent cliffs, and some stones.The players stand on the edges of their respective cliffs and throw stones at each other.

The objective of the game is to not fall off a cliff.

Some nice games for the 4 Powers!

yay!


Child's Play

Childs Play is a game for any number of players.

The participants put a large spoonful of dried chilli pepper in their mouth, and chew for 1 minute.

They then have to swallow the chilli, and say "Childs Play" loudly enough for the other players to hear.

The object of the game is to pretend it does not hurt, and to not be sick.

Good

Good is a game for 2 or more players

You will need a flat heavy metal object. A large thick pan lid is ideal.

One player throws the Good disc at another as hard as possible, while the target attempts to catch it.

The object of the game is to damage the other players' limbs as badly as possible, while not dodging the disc yourself.

For advanced play, why not try Ninja Good? In Ninja Good, players are allowed to sneak around with the object of catching the target unawares, resulting in a far higher casualty rate.






Does It Hurt Yet?

Does It Hurt Yet? is a game for 2 players of any age.

Player 1 takes any sharp object (a knife will be fine) and pushes it with increasing force into any part of Player 2, asking repeatedly "Does it hurt yet?" Player 2 must respond "no" at each question, and must not flinch or moan in agony.

The object of the game is to pretend it does not hurt until the other player exhausts himself.

Shit

Shit is a game for 2 or more players.

You will need some rotting citrus fruit and a heavy bat (an empty Galliano bottle is ideal).

The bowler throws the rotting fruit as hard as possible at the batter, who tries to hit the fruit back at the bowler.

The object of the game is to not get hit by rotting citrus fruit.

Can You Put This Out For Me Please?

Can You Put This Out For Me Please is a game for 2 or more players.

You will need a large supply of cigarettes.

The players smoke heavily, and attempt to get other people to put out their cigarettes.

The loser is the first person to put out their own cigarette.





The Roadkill And Kelp Spotters Association

This organisation is dedicated to the pursuage of the fine and noble hobbies of Kelp and Roadkill spotting. Truly, there can be few more relaxing and cultured ways of spending a quiet Sunday afternoon than cruising around the rugged coastal roads of your local rural area, notebook and camera in hand and with a hot thermos of sugary tea, looking for new and interesting dead wildlife and kelp.

Equipment you will need:

No dedicated roadkill enthusiast will leave home on any road journey without a few of the basic tools of the trade.

To get started, you will not have to splash out a fortune on high-tech equipment. A beginners pack will typically contain only a few simple items:

1: Camera.

You will always need to photograph any roadkill or kelp you come across before taking any other action. There is no better way of spending Saturday night than at your local association clubhouse, looking over your fellows' albums of roadkill and kelp, and proudly displaying your own trophies. I find it a wonderfully rewarding way of entertaining my young grand-children as well- the glowing smiles appearing on their angelic little faces as they flick thriough my album of flattened creatures and rotting aquatic weeds brings a warm glow to my heart almost as enjoyable as a good swig of meths.

2: Notebook

Half the fun of the game is to record the statistical details of your finds for future reference. To get the most out of this aspect of the sport, you will need....

3: Micrometer

There is always a good deal of friendly competition among enthusiasts to see who has been able to turn up the flattest creature, or the thickest piece of kelp. You should always take an accurate reading of the thickness of a corpse at the thinnest part, and kelp at the thickest. Please do not submit to the temptation to tell "fisherman's tales" of wafer-thin fox cadavers, though, as this is extremely unsportsmanlike, against the spirit of the game, and will attract an awful lot of hostility from fellow roadkill/seaweed buffs if you are caught out.

4: Wildlife guide

While it is easy to tell kelp from other plant-species, such as Oak trees, there can be certain problems identifying the corpses of wild animals, particularly if they have been repeatedly run over by heavy goods vehicles. You should always make as accurate as possible an identification, as most clubs will offer a prize for the rarest species found squashed into the tarmac every month. I can't describe in mere words the feeling of excitement and adrenaline I felt the day I found the mangled corpse of a wild panda cub splatted like a pancake near the Welsh coast. Wonderful.

5: Thermos flask of hot, sweet tea

Remember, it can get cold and windy by the coast in winter, and that is where you will want to be if you are to find any kelp. Always take a thermos flask filled with a hot sweet beverage with you to keep you warm, and decorate it, according to tradition, with the crest of your local Roadkill and Kelp Spotters Association branch.





OK- this is more advanced roadkill fun for the experienced spotter.

I must have heard the old gripe a million times from novices to the game:

"Roadkill spotting is really great fun, but I get so frustrated that I can't INTERACT with it. I would so love a chance to make my own"

Well, once you've served out a probationary period with your local Association, the old timer will let you in on a few tricks of the trade.

Every Association operates regular Roadkill Arts and Crafts evenings, where you will get a chance to have some real hands-on fun making your own road-kill! What a topping jape!

Usually held on a Saturday evening, these events are the highlight of my, and every other devoted Roadkill enthusiast's, hectic social calendar. All you will need to participate is a motor vehicle- the larger the better. Most of the members at my local Association drive Volvo Estates.

Every member of the club goes out with a certified umpire for a period of one hour, during which time they will be marked on all roadkill they manage to make, according to the marking scheme first devised by Mr Seth Tranny, of London:

One point for a left hand wheel splat

Two points for a four-wheel skull crunch

Five points for a passenger "Slam Open" door kill

Six points for a reverse and grind wheel spin

Bonus points will be awarded for artistic impression, at the discretion of the umpire.

More advanced leagues include in their marking system points for thinness of corpse, and size of animal, ranging from 1 point for a small mammal, through five points for a wallaby, to 10 points for dangerous big game.

Any kelp spotted on route will attract additional points.

You will usually find the league tables in any given season (which runs January-December) published in your local Badger Baiter Bi-Weekly, Mammal Maiming Monthly, or Otter Twotter. Prizes are awarded to the winning club and individual at season's end- usually a medal fashioned from a flat roadkill shrew on a ribbon. These will take pride of place in the trophy cabinet of any self-respecting roadkill buff.

Clothing Breakthrough!!

I have been considering the problem of eco-friendly transport.

It strikes me that the world around us is too polluted by cars and ting, and so I have applied my evil lab's capabilities to personal travelling solutions.

I have invented the larvae-cardigan!!

The larvae-cardigan is a normal cardigan onto which are glued a myriad of small moth-larvae. These have been genetically engineered to be attracted to parma ham, which they can detect from several miles distance with special receptors on their heads. The user simply dons the larvae-cardigan and a similarly constructed pair of larvae-slacks and lies down, having previously arranged for some parma ham to be left at their destination. The clothes will then wriggle to the end location. This is eco-friendly to the extreme, as the larvae will eventually eat the cardigan and slacks, pupate and fly off leaving no waste. My only current problem is that of obese users crushing their wriggly biological engines.

Possible spin-offs: Using an inedible form of cardigan I will soon have perfected the "flying moth-suit" which will enable users to fly once their larvae have matured. Currently, though, test-pilots have tended to fly in circles around torches and street lights.

For the more fashion conscious, younger market, I will eventually develop an iridescent butterfly version. Bravo!

Road Rage No More!!

I have noticed that the bain of modern-day society is the prodigious increase in road-rage incidents.

NO MORE!!I have developed a system to ensure that no-one will ever be angry on crashing their car again.

I am replacing the standard air-bag with a novelty beach-ball variant. On crashing the car this will inflate as with a standard airbag, but will subsequently detach from the structure of the car. The activation of the airbag will trigger a loud stereo to play Surf Safari at high volume on an endless loop. Those unfortunates involved in the crash will, rather than launching atone another in a fit of fury, immediately relax and engage in friendly beach games by the scene of the crash until emergency services arrive. Bravissimo!

Dead / Wash Breakthrough!

I have achieved a breakthrough in car window cleaning / contacting the dead technology.

I have devised a board which will allow users to contact deceased friends and relatives in the afterlife, based on an old Voodoo design. It has an absorbent, spongy rim which can be used to effectively wash windows etc. No more misery buying separate sets of equipment for seances and window washing!

This product will be marketed as the Squeegee Board.

Security Issues Addressed

Recently I have been applying my time to the question of home security.

It strikes me that intruders have an easy time breaking into gardens due to the inadequate lethality of suburban defences (usually some shrubs).With this in mind, I have developed a cybernetic defensive system, with the ability to identify unwanted intruders, track them using their body heat and kill soft targets using miniature harpoons. This defensive droid is disguised to blend seamlessly into the average herbaceous border.

I will market it as the Robodendron.

Don't you get bored posting things like this?

Brilliant!

I'll remember the sight and look at it when I'm not in a grumpy mood.

You hhave far too much too much time on your hhands Kitty, but it did make me

bored?

I'm hardcore me. I watch things till I memorise them, .
I can unerringly say every Monty Python line one second before the actors do. Hence no-one managing to watch holy grail with me for more than five minutes without making use of a gag or a shotgun.

OMG just what have I got into!

i'll take one of the robodendron please!

*hands Jack a robodendron*

Careful. It's a bit trigger happy.

Werekitty, we really really have to meet sometime! I spend most of my free time re-enacting Lord of the Rings with my friends!