Journal Entries
Weird
Posted Apr 6, 2002
It's weird, the chemistry in my head's completely gone now. I feel so awful I feel like I'm going to die.
I guess this is what comes of not taking your medication.
But I didn't take my medication because you have to take it with food and I haven't eaten for two days...because the tablets put you off your food.
Ok anybody who's reading this: Look around. Look around enjoy every colour, sound and sensation that flies into your head. "Why" you may ask. Well, because I'm jealous that feeling of being alive that YOU have.
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Latest reply: Apr 6, 2002
Getting lazy with the journal, already
Posted Apr 3, 2002
Haven't posted for a few days because I've been living a weird twilit life for the past few days. I got really low again actually. I've got no money, in three days I will have no job and the Landlord won't accept benefits. My ex can't stand the sight of me (which is fair enough I suppose)and I'm under pressure to move. My Mum sounds more depressed than I am so I can't go to her for support...sorry if you're reading this mum but sometimes I just want to curl up like a baby and you be my mum properly again I'm so scared. I don't like being grown-up very much.
So here I am at 6:30 am because my sleep is shot to s**t but dammit I LOVE my job and I'll stay here now so I don't fall asleep and fail to go in to work. I almost wish I didn't love my job. If I hated it, it would be easier to be slack! It's only temporary, though...typical.
I've got a work trial for the 9th of April. So It's Sign on or Sell Your Body until then.
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Latest reply: Apr 3, 2002
Oh the pain and remorse...
Posted Mar 30, 2002
I got totally utterly leathered tonight. I'd better do an entry as I might want to remember this later...
no, I've completely forgotten what I was going to write now. But I don't think I did anything bad...I might've played a bit too much drunk guitar at strangers, but that's all.
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Latest reply: Mar 30, 2002
Uh Oh
Posted Mar 28, 2002
...I recognise this hopeless, heavy feeling. Great. Just what I need.
They phoned me back today but I was asleep, catching up on what I lost the night before. Apparently, I was given the message, and I reacted, but I don't remember it. It's kind of frightening because I feel I have no control over my sleep patterns whatsoever. And if I talk to anybody about it they just look at me like I'm in denial of laziness...responses like: "I wish I could sleep all day" or, "we all feel like that occasionally." yeah. Right. OCCASIONALLY. I get this all the time.
I just want to know what it is that triggers this off...maybe the stress of the interview. I've managed to convince myself that if I do get this job I'll screw up on the first day. I said I could use QuarkXpress so i'm expecting to have to do something really complicated that'll expose me for the imposter I am.
Of course people SAY I'd be good at it, and that's very kind, but I don't feel it. And if you don't feel it, the energy that you carry with you changes...and so do people's responses to you. Sometimes I hate having this kind of knowledge.
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Latest reply: Mar 28, 2002
Interview over, let's Chill
Posted Mar 27, 2002
Phew.
And actually, apart from nearly getting run over at the pelican crossing, quite a good day.
The place seemed very informal. Nobody there over the age of 35, which I found a little weird. Strange pictures on the wall: good sign, as far as I'm concerned.
I was interviewed by two people. The one guy seemed a bit off with me, the other lady had a real sparkle in her eye and seemed to like me.
I was so nervous. They'd ask me a question, I'd start to answer it and then forget what the question was and my words would trickle to a halt.
Was ok when I got my portfolio out though. Then I could talk, and I think I repaired some of the damage.They seemed quite stunned that I was authoring a training guide though.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^GLORY CONVERSATION!!!~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
Him:"did you do the layout for this...how were you involved?"
Me:"I wrote it"
Him:"...proofreading? I don't quite understand..."
Me:"I wrote it and laid it out using the styles from MS Word. It's all my own work."
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~END OF GLORY CONVERSATION~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
And the sun was out too!!!
(what are the chances of my potential employers reading this entry and recognising me, I wonder?)
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Latest reply: Mar 27, 2002
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