h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

::connects the jumper cables to the 1968 Mustang Convertible which has suddenly appeared in the forum and fires up the engine::

We're ready now AW!

Nice 'Stang!

Jim ... he's , he's a mechanic.

:::connects the red jumper to Lady Scott's left earlobe, and the black cable to her right thumb:::

Clear for takeoff!

::covers his eyes and ears and revs the engine up to the redline::

SOMETHING SHOULD BE HAPPENING NOW, SURELY???

I think she might blow!



:::watches as Lady Scott begins to glow in a strange twilight zone kind of way:::

:::watches as the engine block heats to a luminous orange:::

I hope we've done this correctly.

::turns the engine off::

How's the patient doing, ???

* floats above the thread*

ooooooooooooh, look! they're trying to revive me!

*looks at light*

*looks at thread*

*can't decide which way to go*

Her terminals weren't marked, . It's possible that the wires were crossed .....

:::checks the glovebox for the little owners manual:::

Ah! Here ... page 54 ... it says black on the left, red on the right. When all else fails, read the instructions! Besides, I'm an American ... we're supposed to do everything backwards with cars. It's the law.

:::switches the black jumper cable to Lady Scott's left toe, the red one to her right pinky:::

Clear! Let's rev her!!!

Oh, and the patient is still quite dead-ish,

More importantly, the Mustang is still in good shape.

::re-starts the engine and gives it a really good revving::

I'm not happy when patients under my (decidedly dodgey) care decide to remain dead-ish.

::polishes Mustang::

Not Dodgey care ... Fordey care, more like.

:::assists with the polishing:::

She isn't responding, We'll need to work on the chrome bits as well.

*rub* *rub* *rub*

:::wanders over and checks Lady Scott's pulse, or lack thereof:::

I think she's long past brain dead, Sir.

The light is so pretty!

*moves closer to the light*





*standing at the pearly gates*

St.Peter: Welcome! You need 100 points to get in!

Just 100 points? Piece of cake!

St. Peter:Very well, then.... what have you got?

well, lets see, I always went to sunday school when I was a kid! And my mom always said I was a good little girl. And I kept my room clean, and did all my homework.

St.Peter: very good! that's one point!

I also raised 2 kids, and was married to just one man for a lot of years, and did all his ironing and cooked all his favorite meals!

St. Peter: That'll give you another point. What else do you have?

um. uh. um.

*getting nervous*

*eyes trap door*

*mutters to self* The only way I'll ever get in there is by the grace of God!

St. Peter:Grace of God, 100 points, come on in!

*looks around*

*sees thread way off in the distance*

*passes through pearly gates*

:::monitors patient:::

She's dead, in spite of our 30,000 mile maintenance and tire rotation!

I can hear the gates closing. We have to get Lady Scott back NOW!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Bring me a really, really, really big needle filled with strange coloured stuff. And get me a , I can't handle all this pressure!

::polishes the chrome exhaust pipe::

Is this one big enough, ???

:::produces a hugemendrous :::

:::wipes brow:::

:::proffers a lava lamp fitted with a large knitting needle vacuum attachment:::

Hey, I just follow orders. *shrug*

:::desperately buffs the fender:::

::Archangel Dragonfly touches St. Peter's shoulder as she approaches Lady Scott::

::to Lady Scott:: They really love you down there...

::drinks hugemendrous ::

Well done, ! As Crowded House once said, "Now we're getting somewhere".

::injects lava lamp fuilds into the radiator::

There, that should keep the engine from over-heating again.

::applies armorall to the leather upholstery::

I'm going to need all of my 0 years medical training if we are to save this patient.

::gives Lady Scott some of the hugemendrous ::

Awe now there a'int no car. That can't be fixed. Just cost some it.

::enters thread::

May I suggest you send your patient.... to a handful of experts!???

l'm some what of an Expert in many different fields. Of Couse they are somewhat numerous.

Fortunately, I have 0 years of mechanical training as well. Between the two of us, we should be able to accomplish absolutely nothing.

:::cleans the windshield, taking extra care around the edges:::

Um ... Lady Scott is a tea-totaler. She should respond quickly and highly unpredictably to an alcoholic beverage. She may in fact be an underage drinker in Pennsylvania. They're very strict there. I think the legal limit is 65 ... or was that 52? Anyway ... *shudder*