h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey, we 'puterly challanged people nearing our experation date(s) outta' stick together! ...*still doesn't know how to copy and/or paste...everyone thinks she's kidding so noone will help...*

'Member me? I awakened in the beer tent looking like The Queen Mum. For some reason, you found that
a tad funny. 'Course, twasn't YOU lookin' in the mirror, now, was it? People have done dreadful things to me whilst I slept.
Like yellin'. "You missed your que!! You were to have been on stage one mintue ago!!" ~~~~~~
Hey...wait a minute. I ain't on for seventeen minutes! You rascles!"
'Course, I give as good as I get. I jusss love a good gag.
Not like when Presious gags on a hairball...those are totally gross. Wha' was the question?

Welcome back. Make sure your cookies are enabled...thasss how I lost touch here, er, I mean how SOME people loose THEIR way.

HELLO-ELLO-ell-ello-o-o-o......*strikes a match to have a lookabout...*...sees and lights a ...well, that's a bit better...at least now I can see if she comes along. I'll wait right here.

Hi dear Pandora,

Yes of course I remember!! I have been on holiday and have just come back. You know I really do not mind if I cannot cut and paste.!! there are always some kind people who will help me. I am glad to find you well and in fine spirit and fettle!!. You had so many lovely stories to tell and I did not know which ones to believe!!. Like do your really live in a cabin? But it doesn't matter. You make me laugh and that is good.
Go well dear friend and let us keep in touch. a from the witless Ar1

PS Hope that you had enough paraffin in your to keep looking whilst I came back by car. It was a long drive.!!

Oh certianly!! See, I cut the bottom of the jack-o-lantern out...that way the candle lasts 'bout forever and you don't get that burnt pumpkin pie smell! That always reminds me of everytime I try to bake a pie!

Living in a cabin...funny? Actually, building it was the funny part! I made grown men cry over my planes!
'They' didn't think ANYthing was funny! ...*looks around...*Yep, it's a log cabin alright. Most people call it a 'log home'... I say la-dee-da...it's a cabin!
Everything on my page is true.
The MODERATORSor someone have taken my jokes from my Home Page...*mumbles something about why it's called 'her' home page when she can't even keep what she wants on it...*

So, where'd ya' go? What'd ya' do?...*whispers...*if ya' gotta' kill me after you tell me...jusss skip over that part!

I'm so glad I found you!! I looked all over the place!! For SOME reason, The Harvest Fest Thread was removed from my
post, place, thingie!! I finally found you in Kes' posts! ...*wonders why Kes got ta' keep you but 'I' didn't...*

Anyway, you're back now!! Care for a brandy by the hearth?
There's a chill in the air. Time to close up the pool for Winter. I jussss hate when that happens.
'Least it gives me somethin' to look forward to in the Spring...as if nice weather wern't enough.

So, what did you use to ran? Er, run? I've run a local beer and wine carry-out & head shop (smoking assocessories) & I also ran a Psychology Service for many years.I always say, "Fist I got people hooked on stuff...then I went to college to learn how to get um off the stuff!"

Glad you stopped in!Here, have a loo brush as well.

Dear sweet Pandora

Who is Kes? Incidentally I suddenly thought it was jolly rude of me to say that I laughed about your cabin. What I meant was that you have such an original style of living that it made me really happy. So I hope that you did not think that I was rude, and please forgive me.

When I went back to reading your page I realised that it HAD to be true!!.So thank you so much for sharing it with me.

This is just a short note. I shall tell you what I "ran" in another letter to you. I fear that it is not half as exciting as yours, and I certainly cannot tell it in such a wonderful way, but I shall try.

Go well, my dear friend, and I look forward to a great friendship. Your very affectionate old AR1

"Original style of living"? Ooooo, I like the sound of that.
Everyone struggles so...trying to explain what is is they like about me, without giving me a 'backhaned' complement. I.E., "I Just love the way you read! You say the oddest things." Stuff like that.
Thank you. You are very sweet. ...*carefully looks around for poison eldeberry wine and the like...*

I will look forward to reading about what you ran. I don't know why whatever you did wouldn't be as interesting as what I did...but I'm certian you can explain whatever it was with great ability.

I vow to be your friend forever and beyond!
Jussss try getytin' rid of me. No, really, go on. Try.
Sister, I'm just like a bad penny. Only different. I'm more like a good penny.Even if I do have to say so myself.
...*skips around cuz she's happy to have a new friend...*
Here......have a plunger to go with that loo brush!

...hope to here from you sooner than later...I will be answering all my threads ASAP...seems I stupidly took a VERYHOT lid off a pan using my bare fingers. I just hate when that happens...be bakc when I can type with all sever, er, wait...
...I mean, all 'ten' fingers again.

Hi dear "not the queen Mum".

Your lovely letter had me rolling on the ground laughing again.!! Oh my dear, you are soooo orginal and impulsive and open and just -----well very frank and nice.

I am sorry about your poor fingers. I know what you are feeling like. I have to wear gloves perpetually because I have an extraordinary sort of practically permanent sort of psoriasis on the tips of all myh fingers and my two thumbs. they get so sore, they feel just like your poor fingers are feeling now - you having burnt them.

I was a qualified radiographer and then I found HAD to work even though I had three children. So as I had done a great deal of competitive swimming in South Africa, I decided to teach swimming. which I did for twenty one years. I loved it. I taught at two schools and had very big classes. But even though I say so myself I was a good teacher and the school which I was teaching at always won the cup for the best school at the annual Inter schools Gala!!.

then I went to University when I was 44. I eventually ended up with a Masters degree and when my husband died I threw myself into the Liberation struggle in South AFrica. which was both satisfying and also quite frightening!!. I am basically a very inquisitive person which makes for a good researcher I think!!

Go well my dear sweet friend. Take care of yourself. Has Autumn started yet in your part of the world? It is getting very cold here.
With a fond AR1

May I just say, "Good for you!?" I have a few friends in S.A. and I find myself in tears often with regars to the terrible things that people endure there!!

Because of MY swim instructor...when I was six...I still have a friend (Sue) with whom I've remainded friends. We use to swim in a motel pool while her mother cleaned rooms. It was heated and we swam all Winter!

Ooooo...I must run just now...the neighbor has pulled in with a load of fire wood! WWWHOO-HOOO...yep...Fall is in FULL bloom!
When I awaken it will be the first real freeze of the Season! brrrr..

~hugs & kisses & all good wishes!!!~

I was thinking...I do that sometimes. And while my ideas are few and far between...when they happen...
So, since you have problems with your fingers...have you yet tried bag balm or some other such healing agent inside your gloves?
I go barefoot all year long. So, a few times a year I put Vicks vapo rub on my feet and put socks on!! Smooooth as a baby's butt! And the stuff makes um feel good too.
Going barefoot in the snow around the outside of my cabin seems to have scared away the crooks! Guess they think I'm crazier than they are.
I'd love to hear more about you...got anything you'd like to ask me? Cuz I'll tell you. I'm the sort of person you don't want to ask, "How do you like my hair do???" Cuz I'll tell ya'.In the kindest possible way, of course!!! I'm not a wild animal, ya' know.

Dear sweet barefoot Contessa

I am so sorry that I have been so remiss about writing. My brother and his wife were visiting the UK from Canada, and also I have had problems with social Services about my sons carer. Now that that is partially corrected I now find that the diabetes has affected my feet and I have lost all feeling in my left big toe. this morning I went to the podiatrist for a check up and she hacked, cut, and did everything she could and I felt NOTHING. So that is not good news.

I love the story of your going barefoot all the year round. I do not know about the balm you are talking about. I had my young Phillipino friend who is a trained beautician come and give my legs and feet and my arms and hands a massage this evening. It really does help the circulation. that is the problem about growing old. Everything begins to wear out, and like an old motor car it either stops working or falls off!!!. It is a real bore.

anyway, I am NOT going to be dfownhearted about it. My father died laughing and I sincerely hope that I shall have the courage to do the same. I wish I could visit your cabin. I am so glad that you ahve been brought some wood. Do you have a big fire in winter to keep you warm. But do you also have to clear it up?

I have switched on the heating in my house. that is not half as exciting or as glamorous as a lovely roaring fire, but it does keep me warm without my having to do too much about it.

I must now go to bed as I am very tired. My fond to you. Keep well AR1

Geepers creepers...company?!?! I jusss hate when that happens. I don't know about you...but visiters wear me out. My favortie part of having company is when they honk the horn as they drive away. beep-beep~~~~~~~~~

I have already outlived my experation date....*blows on the back of the finger tips & brushes them across her shirt...and admires them...in a braggart like manner...* The "experts" told me I would be dead before the end of 1998...*does the nahnah dance...* I have a rare disease named EMS...if you want more info...you can go to NEMSN.org...(I think it's org...could be net......I know it's NEMSNdot something or other) I wonder how many of those doctors are still able to sit up and suck air?

I'm awfully sorry to hear about your toe!! I'd like to say it's a good thing you didn't feel anything...however, therein lies the problem. Hopefully it will stop at your toe!!!
When I was younger...sheesh...everything was "when I was younger!" hahahaha...I had problems with my big toes & the
'doctor'/'butcher' who took "care" of me...tied me down...slid a scapled under my toenail & split it in two...then one side at a time yanked each ahlf out.What a sadistic
Nothing to numb the pain. I believe that's called torture.
As a result I had to hve some of the bone removed from my right big toe...and of course there's no nail.
It never stopped me from going barefoot...wearing sandels, etc.

One day when I was w*rking in my carry-out...a fellow saw my toe and became excited...he took off his shoes and socks and said, "Look!! My toe looks just like yours!" I could have gone my entire life w/o having seen that fella's foot...but it seemd to give him comfort in knowing he wasn't the only freaky toe person about. He even began to wear sandles after that.

I now use mental pain block when something needs be cut off.
I had several warts on my left hand. I just told myself that my hand was a block od wood...I repeatedly told myself that wood can be cut, burned, etc. and it feels no pain. I thought my poor doctor was gonna' faint or sumthin'!
I now wear headphones with my favorite muisic blasting in my head so I can block out the doctor saying things like: OH MY GOD!!!! I can't believe you're not on the ceiling!!! I've never seen anything like this...bla-bla-blaaa...that's the sort of thing a person focusing on something can do without.

I have a 'state of the art' heating system. Also the fireplace. Everyone who w*rked on my cabin were/are friends of mine! That's what makes my 'temple of zen' so very special to me. If I thought I'd live THIS long (year 13 just began) into EMS...I would never have rushed to build my dream home.

My original plan was to move to the tropics and die on a beach drunk. My doctor, however scolded me. He said that I would live for a loooong time. When I asked him what ever made him think that? (as I was really ill)He said he wasn't THAT lucky!

He thinks if I remain the way I am...stubborn an' all...that I have another 10 years left. Crap. I wanna' see my ancesters! And I miss my dogs that have gone on ahead of me. But, I'll not go 'til it's my time. Can you imagin being sent back to Earth to relive your life until you get things right?!

I use to think that when you die...that's all she wrote...worm fodder. I have experienced contact with others who have gone on before me.
All my life I've ben psychic. It's only natural. But for the past three years now, I am able to contact energies on the Other Side for people, other than just myself. It's awsome.
Being scientifically minded...when these things began...I rushed from shrink to shrink! They kept charging me a bundle to tell me I was in the 'sickeningly' normal range. The last fellow said, "Valerie, my dear woman, if you are hearing voices, than someone is indeed speaking."
Far out!!!

Hope I didn't just scare you off with that last bit.

Later!!!!

Very dear psychic

thank you for your lovely long letter. What a dreadful doctor to do that to your big toe. Hoorid horrid sadist. anway, I did not feel anything, and as I said to my friend, there is one advantage about this and that is that it not going to be painful. At least I do not think so!!.

I have had a good day casting the horrid thoughts out of my mind and buying some magnificent chrysanthemums for some instant gardening in my patio garden. I phoned my dear darling doctor this evening and he tried so hard to be comfortaing. He really is a wonderful guy and I am so lucky to have him. He still says that it would be interesting to go to the big hospital in London to talk to them about the double hip replacement. But he also told me not to let anyone bully me into having the op done. I just think it is a waste of time and money at my age. Anyway I shall go armed with all my bone scans.

what a lovely idea to go to a tropical island and lie on the beach getting tipsy!!. But one would have a monumental hangover after it.

With much affectionate AR1

Ooooo double hip replacement...my sister's having that done in Jan. We already have a hospital bed...the one I took care of my father in...so...chop-chop.
And...you make certain that you are given drugs and plenty of them! If the Good Lord had intended us to feel pain, He would have given us nerve endings!Wait...that's not right.

Ooooo I jusss love mums~! Not the Queen Mum, of course...but,
the kind you put on your patio.
I've had to take down the humming bird feeders and bring in all the plants as the frost is hitting nearly every night now. It'll soon be time to bring my hammock in from the porch as well.
I have vowed to stop thinking of this as the end of Summer...& have begun to think of it as the start of Fall.Always a silver lining!

I'm blessed with a wonderful doctor as well. Sometimes, when the weather is bad he'll phone me...after I say, "Hello?" He tells me to be quiet as he's listening to my lungs. He also makes housecalls! There's jusss no getting away from the guy.

You know...about awakening with a hang over in the tropics?? Well, all the time I spent there I never had a hangover. And trust me...I had enough rum to float the three mast clipper on which I was sailing! Something to do with being at sea level.
I was dubbed The Crazy Yankee.

All the stories I have to tell...that's what made my friends nag me into writting a book about my adventures...I really don't think I've had such a fantastic life...however, compared to some of these locals...well...I rather feel like Dr. Livingston!

Keep well!! I excitedly await your next post.

"Dr. Livingstone I presume"

Dr. Stanley is supposed to have said when he met him in the middle of the African jungle.

Sorry I have not written. If you have read my journal you will see that I have had a very bad go of my psoriatic arthritis, and my poor fingers and hands have swelled up like s and sausages and have been peeling like a crazy silver birch who thinks that what s/he has to do in order to offset the winter!!.

I am much better but my finger tips are still very sore when I type so forgive me if I end.

With fond AR1

Hi dear friend

I hope you have not got lost in the snow!!. Hope you are keeping well.
a big Ar1

I have been repeatedly bitten by honey bees!One tried to bite it's way to China on my right palm!Even the dog has been stung several times!!
Today as we were all cuddled up by the hearth keeping warm...
a bee landed on Prescious (the dog's cat)...Belle leaped over a table and snatched the bee from the cat...I said, "stomp it like you're a doberman!" (which she is)...& she DID! HA!
Then she ate it.
...hmmmmI don't think I'll ever look a a birch quiet the same way in the future.

I wish stuff didn't have to fall off and go rotton as we age.
I've only jusss gotten use to things moving South.

I was hoping for the Dr Stanly...although I have always doubted that's how it went...more likely..."mate...where ARE we and...got any cold beer?"

I'm hoping () this will be my last Winter in this vessel I laughingly call my body.
I, for one, will be VERY happy to wake up dead. off to that big h2g2 in the sky...
here's a deal...if I never get a chance to meet you IRL here...I'll meet you on the Other Side! Deal?

Hope your pain lessens!!! My Dear, Dear friend.

The snow hasn't been sticking...yet...but the wind has been gusting to about 20mph each day.

Oh my dear friend

You always make me feel better!!

that is a deal. I shall rush up to you and say

"even if your are NOT the Queen Mum I shall curtsey". You deserve it so much for making me feel better and making me laught out loud."

I love the story of the bees. Bees do not sting me for mysterious reason.!!. Only wasps. Actually neither do mosquitoes sting me!!. that must mean something!!

How is your log fire? Crackling and roaring and hissing I hope.

With much affection from the antiquarian AR1 slowing disintegrating - but still cheerful!

...*makes a note in her note pad to come up with a whitty retort to
Ar1 upon their meeting...*
Well...if I get there first...I'll do my Patty Duke impression and you'll have to try to figure out if you're insane or if you died and went to Charades.

I always say, "May as well laugh...sure as hell can't dance."

Hmmm...don't get stung huh? I have a theroy about people like 'you'. 'Course I can't remember what it is as I had it before I started writting things donw in my note pad.
...*taps her note pad with her pen...whispers...*this'll be my 'sign'
to let you know who I am, on the Other Side, incase you can't get the Patty Duke thing and you're starting to look foolish infront of everyone.

(good for what ails ya'...I don't care what ANYone says!
what's that?..."they" say it's good for you?!well, then,
never mind.)
<--- see...gets the blood flowing! as long as it's still IN your veins...that's a good thing. Right? Right!

Oh you dear person

The blood should be flowing in my veins otherwise sure as eggs I would be on the other side. anyway, here's hoping that I keep it coursing regularly with lots of glasses of and Chartreuse!!.

Sadly I have been and my fingertips are really very sore. I shall have to ration the time I spend on my computer until my hands and fingers are better.

Sleep tight and well my dear Pandro

Ar1

I would gladly take your pain from you, if only I could.
I don't know what your budget is like but there's a thing called a 'voice pilot' that you can plug into your 'puter. Then all you need do is talk & your computer types what you say. Just like having an assistant, only different. Cuz voice pilots don't drink coffee, goe outside to smoke nordo they need pee breaks.(you can go to google dot com & download google for free...it's what I got my imac for......you can ask google ANYthing and it will find the answer!!)
Have I told you that my computer can talk? Sing too.And 'he' has filty language! Why, the way 'mac' talks...he'd make a sailor on leave blush!I have absolutely no idea who could have programed him to speak in such a way!
I sure am glad I make you laugh "out loud". Jusss think what might happen if I said sumthin' really funny or sumthin'. And you tried to hold it IN!You could hurt yourself! I say...let'er rip! (just try not to spit your tea on your computer screen.Mac has let me know, by a very loud DING-DING-DING-DING noise when I spat my Sprite on him, that it was not as good thing)
...here ya' go......nearly EVERYone can use a nice back scratcher.