h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Joys of Being 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" is when:
1. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love", and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
3. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door.
4. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
5. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
6. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
7. "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fibre
today.
8. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
9. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

It's sad how many of those ring true!