h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Listed below are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest, aka the "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a novel:

10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

The last is best by far!

First one made me chuckle.

I liked the one about the penguin.

Right that Was the winner! I also liked that first one(#10), along with #s 7, 5 & 2..."a moron with suicidal tendencies."

Yes - there's a fine line between a brilliant opening line and an risable one.

One of my all-time favourites is from Earthly Powers by Anthony Burgess:
"I had been celebrating my eightieth birthday and was in bed with my catamite when Ali entered to announce that the Archbishop was downstairs waiting to see me"

What's especially good is that the novel is written as the memoir of a fictional author. A couple of pages in he refers to the brilliant opening line he's just written.

In also love the opening to Burgess' 'A Clockwork Orange':
"What's it going to be then, eh?"

Another one is from 'I Capture The Castle' by Dodie Smith. I 100% guarantee that if you like this, you will love the rest of the book. Read it! It's wonderful!:
"I write this sitting in the kitchen sink."

Too many other favourites to list. Lolita! Catch 22! Catcher in the Rye!

Some beauties listed here: http://www.book-club.co.nz/books/openers.htm

Iain Banks, 'The Crow Road'
"It was the day my Gran exploded."

I'm quite sure I've seen some of these before... are you sure this is a genuine contest?

Anyway, they're good. My favourite has to be #2 - looks like it could open a good comedy.

"Prudence watched, giddy with repulsion, as Purvis -- her husband of seventeen hours and eleven minutes -- labored over his obscene repast, ladling spoonfuls of glutinous marmalade over the kippered herrings that lay singed and melancholy on their bed of soggy rice, oblivious to the fact that she was still in possession of her prized yet burden-some maidenhead -- and knew that at the preordained moment she must, out of duty, stab him with the butter knife." Son of a "It was a Dark and Stormy Night"": More of the Best (?) from the Bulwer-Lytton Contest" (pg. 29 Penguin Books).

re: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'

I missing something here? Is there a pun or 'sounds like' or something?

Let me introduce you to a

Bad

Bold

Pair

They live in Heather Cottage and you'll

Find

Them

There

They're Flip and Binkle Bunny, and I

Think

You'll

Decide,

They're the biggest rascals ever met, since

Brer

Rabbit

Died!

*Enid Blyton, "The Adventures of Binkle and Flip"*

No Hellbound, it's not a pun, you aren't missing anything. It is just meant to be silly, that while the guy is creeping along, along he is thinging is to creep.

Me be creeply thinging also.

How are things in JEllenland?

zdt

Been better, Terri, been better. I am tired and kind of out of it tonight.