h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A Glossary of Red Carpet Terms

Prosthetic Beak – Term used to describe hideously swollen collagened lips – also known as a “Melanie”.

Pamelas – Term inspired by Pamela Lee, used to comment on someone’s large breasts (i.e. “Nice Pamelas” or “She made her Pamelas way too big”.)

Britney-itis – Medical term used to describe menopausal stars who dress like teenagers.

Wedding Cake – Term used to describe a star wearing caked-on makeup ( ie.”Look at that Wedding Cake with Britney-itis”).

I’ve just returned from vacation - Celeb speak for “I had head-to-toe liposuction and was recovering in Palm Springs.”

“He/She is the love of my life” - Translates to “Call People magazine and tell them we’re going to be next week’s big breakup cover story”.

Oh, those are great!

Yah, I did a double take when Agent Smith showed up in Rings. You did expect him to say "Mister Anderson" at any minute!

Did you know that Britney Spears is actually Liz Taylor in disguise?
This is why Liz does very little press these days! All it took was some extensive liposuction and three large bulldog clips(For the face lift.) I was the surgeon that did the liposuction. I offered to do the face permanently, but she needed it to be reversable, so I suggested three well placed 'bulldog' clips at the back of the head, to gather up the excess flesh. the rest is purely make-up and the voice is a fat 12 year old boy from Detroit! So there's always truth in jokes somewhere!

MadHamish

Say nothing to Woodbine!

Good! I was hoping to get a chuckle out of you

Eeeeeeww. Liposuction.

I'm happy that I could perform like a trained seal for the masses, but what is sad is that it's a true story. If you can, test me ask me about any big international celebrity or socialite, and I will be able to tell you when I met them.
For example, did you know that the scar on Harrison Ford's chin is from a broken beer stein that I hit him with in a beer hall in Munich, Germany. He tried to cut in on a pretty young lass I was getting to know. Needless to say, I don't like being interrupted in those circumstances. I politely told him to piss off, but he kept coming back, so I clocked him one with a broken stein from the table.
Since then he has harboured a huge grudge against me! So much so, that many years later he saw that same young lass again and left his wife in an attempt to woo her! If I remember correctly her name was a bit odd (In a USA kind of way)ummmmm.. oh yeah Kalista something or other. Still no matter, I spent the next two weeks after the beer festival in Germany in her hotel room. When I first saw "Ally McBeal" I would have fallen off my chair if I hadn't already been on the bar floor!
Anyhoo, Mad Hamish

That's funny, I coulda sworn he got that scar in a car wreck.

Did you notice in the third Raiders film, Last Crusade, River Phoenix as the young Indie gets a cut on his chin, right where Harrison's scar is. I thought that was a nice touch.

Strangely enough, my old mate Harrison has used the 'chin scar' in a few of his cinematic adventures: The Indiana Jones series (as you mentioned) also "Working Girl" with Plastic Griffiths(she IS as stupid as she looks), that awful "seven days, seven nights" thing and one or two of the political thrillers he did so many of in the 90's. So there you go.

MadHamish

Oscars are on tonight!

Ah! Yes! The Oscars! What an over-blown, painfully politically correct, stuffy, pile of garbage that would bore the knobs off a gargoyle! Whew! I feel much better now! The sad thing was that I was there. I showed up on camera twice apparently. You may have seen me! I was the one in the purple sequined tuxedo wearing a traditional viking helmet! Still I got a huge laugh from Michael Moore getting stuck into "Ol' Dubbya". But I wasn't suprised by the complete lack of vision the Academy showed in both it's nomination and selections.
How can you take an award system seriously when producers can influence the outcome with nationwide billboard, newspaper and TV advertising?
Hey,I saw "Daredevil-the movie" staring Ben 'the bumchin' Affleck.
How suprised was I to discover that it was a very good movie!!!

Mad Hamish
(Hiking through the deepest darkest of my shagpile carpeting)

As opposed to an untraditional Viking helmet? Gotta love those purple sequins.

Yes, Daredevil was rather fun. I liked Jennifer Garner in it. It was a bit violent for my friend S, she had to leave midway through and walk over to the bookstore.

Yeah, Daredevil was good fun. I didn't think it was really that violent, but then again I am a fella. I did like Bullseye, I am not sure why, but he made me laugh! On the matter of Ben "The Bum-chin" Affleck, I have a grudge against him, that won't go away until I have wreaked my revenge. I was out on the town with one of my 'then' girlfriends Jennifer Lopez (small time singer/actor), and bloody Affleck came over blind drunk and began talking to me about how good I was too him, and how he owed me his career and his life. Well I decided that it would be a good idea to take him back to his hotel. It panned out that he was staying in the same hotel as Jennifer, so I dropped them both off and headed for the airport. (I had an Austrian Cheese Festival I was competing in the next day.)So, when I returned a week later, with Cheese trophy in hand, bloody 'Bum-chin' had stolen Jennifer! MadHamish
(Base jumping from a tall bar stool)

So just how do you plan to get your revenge against Affleck?

Oh, how do you like the banner I've added to posts to my journal? The one that says "May the force be with you"? Pretty cool, eh?

Well, I could tell you what I plan for the accursed 'Affleck' but in all honesty that would make you an accessory. I will say that it does involve some rope and half a dozen 'well shaken' bottles of ginger beer(nice 'n fizzy).
I do like the banner on your page, although I must admit that it is way to technical for a wasted socialite such as myself. Everyone needs a little extra 'force' these days.


MadHamish
(Travelling on Donkey through the mean streets of New York)

*trying to remember where she heard the ginger beer thing..........must be Terry Pratchett*

Indeed you are correct Trillian's child! It is the method used by the steadfast Commander Samuel Vimes (Of the Watch) to scare a confession from one of the "Unmentionables" in "Nightwatch".

Nothing is truly original eh? (sheepish smile).
Or all the good stuff is already taken! (still with the sheepish smile).

MadHamish
(Trying really hard to scratch behind my ears with my left foot)

>>(Trying really hard to scratch behind my ears with my left foot)<<

That reminds me of an odd fact I heard not long ago. Did you know that it is impossible for a person to lick their own elbow? It's true!

Yeah, I'd heard that, & it is .

I am now writing (or typing) this from my local private hospital. After successfully scratching behind my ears with my left and right feet, with great difficulty may I add, I tried to lick my elbows.
Well, the ensuing one man argy-bargy caused me to seperate three vertibrae in my back, a dislocated shoulder, a twisted left knee, a sprained neck and a horrible bruise where my forhead hit the floor at an alarming speed. You were indeed correct, it is impossible to lick one's own elbows. As a matter of fact the doctor that saw me in the ER looked me up and down and said to his intern," We've got another elbow licking accident here!" with a sufficient amount of smugness. Still, I wouldn't listen.

MadHamish
(Trying to chase the nurses from my hospital bed)