h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Home Office
Whitehall

Dear Dr Reid

I think I have the answer to your airline terrorism problem. I’ve been working for several hours now on a little idea whose time has come.

People only blow up aeroplanes if they stay awake on them. But who wants to stay awake on an aeroplane anyway? Pinniped Enterprises’ solution is too anaesthetise all the passengers for the duration of the flight.

Brilliant idea, don’t you think? Well, all you have to do to make it happen, and so make your job a whole lot easier, is to ease all the necessary changes to livestock transportation legislation, Human Rights law etc through Parliament.

Looking forward to working with you. I’ll be able to afford a healthy contribution to party coffers if this comes off, so see you in the House of Lords sometime, yeah? (Nudge, nudge)

Yours truly,

Pinniped

Amsthingy
Somewhere Darn Sarf

Dear Mr Sugar

I need your legendary business acumen. I’m trying to launch an airline with a difference. Everybody on board (‘cept the pilot, naturally!) gets anaesthetised for the whole flight, and we just bring them round at the other end as if it was two minutes later.

This is going to appeal to millions of passengers who want to escape the boredom of sitting in a funny-smelling tube for hours, but it’s even better for you and me, because the punters aren’t going to take up so much space anymore, plus we don’t need to feed them. We can cut down on hostess training too. All that the girls will have to do in future is turn the customers over once in a while, and watch out in case anyone turns blue.

In these troubled terrorist times, there’s also the huge public benefit of stopping the passengers making bombs in the toilets. As I told the Home Secretary just the other day, this is an idea whose time has come.

So - are you in? You know you wanna! Just 200 grand and there’s a place on the board for you.

Awaiting your reply with anticipation,

Pinniped

That Funny Brick Loft Place
c/o BBC

Dear Mr Bannatyne

I saw you on that ‘Dragon’s Den’ thing, and I must say that the rest of them on there look like complete pussies at the side of you. You’re clearly the one with the real hard nose for business, and the cynical-sounding Scots accent to boot.

I’ve tried to get on DD myself, but the BBC just won’t take marine mammals seriously. So instead I’d like to make a direct pitch for your money. I need 200 grand PDQ for a sure-fire business venture. It’s all detailed in the attachment.

Brilliant, innit? And yet that Alan Sugar turned me down flat, would you believe?
What’s he know, though? He’s just a Southern Jessie. I should have known to stick to Scotsmen, like me old mucker in the Home Office.

I guess it’s a deal, then. May I call you Duncan? Here, have a cigar. Sorry they’re still a bit frozen.

Yours, etc.

Pinniped

The Head Honcho
Orkney Ferries Ltd

Dear Sir

I found you on the internet, and you’re obviously a big cheese in livestock cargo. My business policy is to only deal with Scotsmen, and anyway this enterprise has distinct similarities to your proven expertise in the handling of drunken tourists.

For a negotiable equity consideration, I need your help in designing an efficient process for getting about 400 comatose passengers on and off an aeroplane. My initial idea is to get them to walk down that metal-ramp-thingy into a mock-up of the first-class cabin, sit them in a nice big comfy chair, gas them while pretending to fetch the champagne, then turf them out of a hatch before stuffing them into the hold of an air freighter alongside. What do you think?

If you have any expertise in bringing drugged animals back to consciousness, that would also be a big help. Duncan Ballatyne is right on the point of joining the business, only he’s still a bit concerned about what we plan to do with any punters who don’t wake up.

There’ll be an albatross perched on your roof Tuesday. Tell her what you think of this idea, but keep it simple. (You just can’t get the staff these days, can you?)

Yours,

Pinniped

The Patent Office
Trademarks Department

Dear Sir

Re Application 67014/06

Why can’t I call it FreezyJet? It sounds nothing like that other lot, and in any case, all their passengers are fully conscious.

Please sort it. I’m a busy mammal.

Yours, etc.

Pinniped

The Scottish Executive
Alternative Accommodation in Lieu of the New Parliament Building

Dear Jimmy

Nice to hear from you, and how interesting to be let in on your discussions about Animal Welfare. Just don’t get in the way of my plans, mind, or I’ll set John Reid on you.

Your list of consulted organisations could be useful, nonetheless. I could let you have some photos of Tommy Sheridan if you send me the addresses of the following :

Ayrshire Horse Transport
Borders Animal Welfare Association
Captive Animals Protection Society
Dalkeith Bloodstock Transport & Storage Co Ltd
Edinburgh Zoo
Forth Meat Packers Ltd
Glasgow University, Faculty of Veterinary Medicine
Humane Slaughter Association
(list continued on next page)

There’s a good chap,

Pinniped

Anyone Out There
Hootooland

Dear Everybody

As you can see, this is a well-thought-out business enterprise needing only a little purposeful investment to change the face of air travel forever.

All are welcome to join in. Just bring plenty of fish, that's all. Oh yeah, and somebody-else's several-thousand-pounds, natch.

Enough interest, and I might even get Speak to design a share certificate (which'll probably come out looking like at T-shirt)

Yours, informally even

Pin

Dear Mr Pinniped

I'd like you to thank you for bringing this business opportunity to my attention. Having read the credible list of candidates you have on board with this venture, I can guarantee my interest and would request further information and details regarding the board of Pinniped Enterprises.

I can see that this has been a profitable venture for you and I would like to be involved with the revenue gathering opportunities that will, I'm sure, be of benefit to both parties.

In the meantime, I'm awaiting your tax return for 2005-2006, which I trust you will return, forthwith.

A Barsteward
HMRC

Not a half-bad idea...people lose consciousness rapidly at an altitude of 30,000 feet, which is very easy to do in a modern jet...now, if only we could find an answer for the dead brain cell problem...

Dear Pinniped,

In outline a neat idea. But not developed to its full potential, I feel. The cost efficiencies and increased security need to start much further back in the passenger-pathway. At their local Travel Agents, I'd suggest.

And you need something unique to patent - airlines have been reducing the oxygen content and playing mind-numbing entertainment in the cabin for decades. Your current outline is merely an extension of this.

If you can build a prototype passenger-case, into which the Travel Agent could pack each comatose customer, together with their belongings, for transport straight to their destination hotel room to be unpacked by their Tour Operator, without having had the opportunity to cause trouble of any sort at any stage of the journey, I'd be interested in investing a few fish.

Yours,
Waz

...Ahem

Dear Mr Doo-Doo

Mr Pinniped claims to be exempt from taxes since :
1. He isn't a citizen of anywhere. In fact his place of residence melts periodically.
2. He's a seal.
3. His income in the period I've known him (almost 5 years, I'm ashamed to say) has consisted entirely of fish, and not even very much of that.

If he does earn anything from the current enterprise, then I expect you'll get to hear about it, ad nauseum.

Dear Mr Firecloud

As far as I know, Pinniped was not intending to deprive the passengers of oxygen. He is an enlightened individual who realises that brain-injuries to customers might adversely affect his business. For the same reason, Pinniped will adopt further customer-friendly policies including :
- not robbing or molesting them while they're asleep
- strapping them to something substantial during take-off and landing
- maintaining temperatures at levels capable of sustaining life

There...that should do wonders for our PR...

Dear Ms Waz

Ahem...how refreshing to meet a discerning investor for a change. It must be the Caledonian proclivities.

Might you be interested to know that we have extensive open-air freezer storage facilities? These could allow us to hold customers indefinitely until the hotel is built.

Dear Pinniped,
Hold customers indefinitely? Now you're getting interesting. That opens up whole new markets. A much wider customer base. Have you written to the Home Office?

I am willing to offer 200 fish in return for 75%
Waz

Dear Ms Waz

Speak here, ma'am. Pinniped has had to go lie down.

We have indeed written to the Home Office. They sent us a little slip of paper saying that seal applicants are referred to DEFRA.

200 fish sounds very acceptable. Please give us a little time to consider the 75%.

Dear Everyone

Great Offer! Pinniped is pleased to offer a 25% share of the new company in return for a cursory amount of fish.

SYWM

Dear Mr Pinniped

Your claim of exemption for taxes has been considered by HMRC. I am pleased to advise that it has been rejected on the following grounds:

Melting of residences are not in themsleves a sufficient excuse for tax avoidance. During the recent period of above average temperatures, many residences could have suffered potential heat damage but have been successfully protected by the owners by application of 'cool bags' available from local supermarkets. Their purchase, is of course, rated for VAT purposes, but allowable as a business expense.

I need sight of form SEA1 for consideration of your claim for amphibious status.

Fish income is required to be declared unless a previous exemption has been granted or you can show status for valid exemption. For this you need to be of Spanish origin and able to show proof of operation in waters specifically excluded by EU fishing quotas.

A N Ignoramus
HMRC

Re-reading your investment offer with renewed interest, you have of course written to the Home Office, my apologies.

But your letter will have been delivered to the Security Office of the Home Office and I think there is potential in freezing facilities that might interest the Justice and Prisons Office of the Home Office and the Passports and Immigration Office of the Home Office.

Dear Mr Doo-Doo

Please find enclosed a small slip of paper from a HM Govt department (Department of Environmental, Food and Rural Affairs) acknowledging Mr Pinniped's seal status.

However, to keep this simple, Mr Pinniped is prepared to offer HMRC a 25% stake in the new business in full settlement of all the current tax liabilities that he doesn't thereby admit to having.

Dear Mr Pinniped

I am unable to validate your Defra certificate due to inadequacies with the governments integrated IT project. Despite 15 billions of investment, your slip of paper has appeared to have fallen behind the filing cabinet and is awaiting retrieval by our specialised SWAG recovery team (Slips What 'Ave Gone.)

I am pleased to accept your generous 25% equity offer, though. Could you meet me in the park at 1.00am tonight to discuss the final details?

A Prevert
HMRC