h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Slides out of the shadows. Looks around, takes a sample of the water on the ground, sniffs the air, and vanishes back into the darkness.*

Orchiiiddd...

...Ahem...

I assume that I address Mystrunner.

Before you are tempted to fling anything spiky at me, please be advised that I am not your quarry. Nor am I Pinniped. If you have been diligent, you will know well enough who I am.

Finding Orchid's trail cannot have been so very difficult. Retreieving the Plasticine was far more impressive.

Having discovered these things, you now know Orchid's true nature. You know it far better than does Legion. You know that she is a tiny infant, that she is very frightened, that she is hopelessly addicted to sardine sandwiches.

Orchid will not return from hiding until it is safe for her to do so. That relies on your promise, your word as a gentleman that you will not harm her.

What about the honour of your undertaking to Legion, you may ask? Well, there is no honour in killing infants, my friend, not even cetacean ones.

In the more practical matter of your commission, you may need to resolve that with Legion also. Unless you covet Pinniped's vintage cod-liver-oil cellar, which seems unlikely, then I have nothing with which to pay you.

But you would do well to consider the worth of what you have already.

I do not know whether the holder of the Plasticine might truly rule the World. I only know that Pinniped believes that to be so, and I suspect that Legion does also.

Before you speak, know this. I can perhaps do something for you. I can make the Plasticine yours, indisputably, uncontestably, forever. Whatever power it confers, I can make that power yours to wield alone.

I do not offer this as an exchange for Orchid's life. I believe that, having seen her pathetic state, you will be decent enough to spare her anyway. But, if you promise not to harm her, I will see to it that the Plasticine is yours in perpetuity.

So...what say you, Assassin?

SYWM

*Clears throat, looks around nervously, and whispers.*

My soul depends on me not finding orchid. He must not be seen by me, for if so, I am honour bound to kill him. I do not wish this fate. I have had a revelation, and am going to do my best to set events so the plasticine will be destroyed without violating my contract. I cannot be too sure if I will survive this, but it is my duty.
I beg, do not let me be found with orchid!

...Aha...

I see. I think I understand. That you seek to avoid Orchid gives me hope. If you were instead to hunt her, she could not survive long.

First of all, let me apologise for misjudging you. You think about this more deeply than I gave you credit for. Your diligence should have been obvious to me. I am sorry.

I could make a few suggestions...

If it helps, we could dredge up some alternatives to Orchid for you to inhume. More than a few of Pinniped's creations didn't quite come off; there's a Rastafarian dolphin round here someplace, for instance...

...No...I suppose not...I didn't mean to be flippant.

Another thought relates to the early days of the Pier. I guess that you will have learned this already, but Pingu himself was an assassin. He was to be Pinniped's instrument of revenge against the BBC, but he met a violent end. Perhaps you could replace your contract with Legion by a resumption of Pingu's unfulfilled commission, to destroy the Spellchecker. But beware GoldSpeech, if you consider this course.

Finally, there is the matter of Pingu's remains, the Plasticine. You remember, of course, that I claimed the ability to confer it upon you forever? If you look at an entry entitled "Fort", you will see what I had in mind. You will find there the True Plasticine (it is NOT a Yin-Yang Smiley, whatever the Weddell thinks...)

If you ask it, I will add your U-number to that entry. Then you would be able to edit it, and to delete Pinniped's U-number. You alone would then possess the code for the reliquary, and with it the Plasticine Smiley.

But you say you would destroy the Plasticine, rather than retain it for your own ends. Difficult. Do you know where Mount Damp is? I'm buggered if I do. And it's said there's no other way...

SYWM

I have already recovered the True Plasticine, or something like it. My salvation came only just in time, as I was about to help unleash its powers upon mankind. But at that point I felt no desire for it, and according to the Rules, I must have a pure heart. I will take ultimate controll, and go alone if I must to destroy this evil. I am The White Assassin. I will succeed...

I thank you for your help...